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23K props, 279 posts

 
Let's get some good jokes on the table... I'll start off with a bad one ;^)

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. He goes over to the bar and says, "Arrrrgghhh, bartender, bring me a rum."

The bartender gets the rum and the pirate slugs it down. The pirate says, "Arrrrgghhhh, bartender, bring me another rum!"

The bartender brings another rum and says, "Excuse me, but I just can't help but notice that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants..."

The pirate says, "Arrrggggghhhhh, it's drivin' me nuts!"
 

18K props, 4K posts

 
bad one coming through(and i mean horrible):
why does a doctor get mad


cuz hes out of patients!!!

18K props, 1K posts

 
ok here is one
a Pirate walks into a movie and he goes to this one movie and the usher says how old are u he says 15 and he says u cant see this and the pirates says why and the usher ssay because its rated ARRRRRRRR

23K props, 279 posts

 
I love the pirate jokes! :^D

A drunk walks into a bar, stumbles up to the bar and says "Bartender, hic, gimme a beer."

The bartender says, "Billy, I can't serve you. You're drunk." Billy looks at the bartender, shrugs, and leaves.

Two minutes later, he comes back in through the side door, stumbles to the bar and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer."

The bartender says, "Billy, I told you before. I can't give you a beer. You're drunk." Billy glances up, confused and stumbles back out the side door.

Two minutes later, he comes in through the back door. The bartender looks up and yells across the room, "Billy, I told you that I can't serve you! Now get outta here!"

Billy, turns around to leave, frustrated and confused and yells back over his shoulder, "How many bars do you work in anyway?!?"

23K props, 279 posts

 
Two muffins sitting in the oven.
The first muffin says to the second muffin, "Is it hot in here or is it just me?"
The second muffin says, "HOLY CRAP! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

6K props, 1K posts

 
HaHa my cuz was talkin in his sleep and thats exactly what he said

6K props, 1K posts

 
Ok theres three guys working on a building.Ones mexican.Ones Italian.And ones has blond hair.The Mexican guy gets tacos from his wife. The Italian guy gets pizza. The Blond guy get baloney.They all say they'll jump off the building if they get the same lunches. The next day they all get the same lunches. So they jump off the building and die. At the funeral the Italian guys wife says if he didnt want pizza he could have said so. The Mexicans wife says the same thing as the Italian guys. The blond guys wife says its not my fault he packed his own lunch

19K props, 2K posts

 
Hey Elephante.

Baloney is spelled Bologna

6K props, 1K posts

 
oh sorry i see it spelled both ways

2K props, 2K posts

 
a guy walks in to a bar and he asks for a grasshopper when he leaves he notices a grasshopper and the guy sayd to the grasshopper do you know theres a drink named after you and the grasshopper says you mean theres a drink named hermet

23K props, 279 posts

 
Nice one M-O-D! Here's an oldie...

A giraffe walks into a bar and says "High balls on me!"

39K props, 8K posts

 
haha great jokes :D
The only 'bar jokes' i know is
A guy walks into a bar -- ouch.

Never gets old :D

2K props, 2K posts

 
HA HA HA HA

49K props, 1K posts

 
a dyslexic man walks into a bra.

39K props, 8K posts

 
Haha neck i like that one major props :]

2K props, 2K posts

 
LOL

23K props, 279 posts

 
A drunk is sitting at the bar talking to the bartender. He says, "I really need some money. Do you have anything I can do around here to make a lot of money quick?"
The bartender thinks for a minute and says,"I'll tell you what. See that guy at the end of the bar? He owes me a big tab. Get him to pay or get him out of here. Then, down in the basement, I have a pit bull with a bad tooth. He's miserable. Pull the tooth on the pit bull and make him feel better. And upstairs is my 90 year old mother who's on her last leg. I want her to have one more good time before she dies. Go upstairs and show her a good time. You do these things and I'll give you 10,000 dollars."
The guys thinks for a minute, chugs his beer, throws the mug across the bar hitting the drunk in the head-knocking him out. He drags him outside and says, "That's one."
....

23K props, 279 posts

 
He heads for the basement and goes down the steps. There is a loud bang and a big ruckus coming from the basement. There's barking and growling. Things are crashing and breaking for about 20 minutes, then it gets quiet.

The guy comes upstairs, panting and out of breath. He gasps for air and says to the bartender, "OK, so where is the old lady with the bad tooth?!?"

Badumdum.

6K props, 1K posts

 
lol

23K props, 279 posts

 
Three 4th graders are on the playground and Bobby says, "My willie is really big." Billy says, "Really? I think mine is pretty big too. Hey, how 'bout we go behind the bushes and we compare to see whose is bigger." The other two boys agree, and they all go into the bushes.

Billy pulls his pants down, and shows his weenie. "Wow, that's pretty big", says Bobby, "But look at this." He pulls his pants down, and the other two say, "Hey, yours is alot bigger than Billy's!" "Joey, show us yours."

Joey is shy and he doesn't want to, but eventually, they convince him, and his willie is huge. The other two boys are impressed.

Joey goes home that night and tells his mom, "Me and Billy and Bobby compared our willies on the playground today, and mine is alot bigger than theirs. Let me show you! Why is mine so much bigger then theirs?"

Joey's mom says, "Pull your pants up you idiot! Yours is so much bigger because you're 16 and you're still in the 4th grade!"

23K props, 279 posts

 
Doesn't anybody else know any jokes :^D

Here are some high school jokes...

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes having sex?
No *bleepin* idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes having sex that is flattened in the middle of the road?
Still no *bleepin* idea.

23K props, 279 posts

 
Oscar finds a new bar that is on top of the highest skyscraper in town. He sits at the bar and gets a whiskey and water. Another guy comes in and sits next to him. The guy chugs down 6 rum and cokes and runs over and jumps out the window.

Oscar is horrified, but the man floats back up to the level of the window, crawls back in, stumbles over and takes his seat at the bar. Oscar is mesmerized, and he says, "I thought you were dead! How did you do that?"

"Oh, that? *HIC* This building is so high that there are strong *HIC* updrafts of wind. I just floated back up on the wind *HIC* and came back in through the window. *HIC*"

Oscar is facinated, so he chugs down his drink, runs over and jumps out the window and falls 68 stories to his death.

The bartender comes over and says, "You know Superman, you can be a real jerk when you're drunk!"

38K props, 6K posts

 
How does Helen Keller drive? One hand on the wheel and one hand one the road!

How do you Punish Helen Keller? 1- Rearrange the Furniture 2- Give her a basketball and tell her to read it. 3- Tell her to find the corners in a round room 4- Stuck doorknobs to the walls.

Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face? She tried eating with a fork.

What is Helen Keller's favorite Convenience Store? WAAAWAAA

Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a cliff and kill itself? You would too if your name was GwarHLarblOeg

what do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie wonder? Endless love

whatâs Helen Kellerâs favorite movie? Around the Block in 80 days

if Helen Keller were psychic, would she call it a fourth sense?

What did Helen Keller get for Christmas? Polio! She had everything else.

Helen Keller went to town riding on a pony she stuck a feather in her hat and called it......... uuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

23K props, 279 posts

 
Endless love! HA!

OK, another one...
An old man walks into a confessional at a church. The priest says, "How may I help you son."

The old man says, "Last night I met a 19 year old woman. She took me home to her place and made mad love to me. Then her roommate came home and came to bed with us and the two of them made passionate love. Then I made love to both of them and we kept going all night. In the morning, they made me breakfast in the nude and brought it to me in bed. The three of us made love again. We just finished 20 minutes ago."

The priest was appalled. "Son," he said, "that is not a very Christian thing for a man your age to do!"

The man said, "Christian, I'm not a Christian. I'm Jewish!"

The priest asked, "If you're not Christian, why are you telling me?"

The man said, "I'M TELLING EVERYONE!"

7K props, 3K posts

 
ok!
THERES 3 GUYS ON AN AIRPLANE! A MARINE, A CONSTRUCTION WORKER, AND A LIBRIRAN!

THERE FLYING OVER A TOWN WHEN THE MARINE RUNS UP TO THE CAPTAIN AND SAYS "CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! I DROPPED MY FULLY DUNCTIONAL BOMB OUT THE WINDOWN!"
THE CAPTAIN SAYS "OH, WELL IT PROBABLY LANDED BY NOW."

THEN THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER RUNS TO THE CAPTAIN AND SAYS, "CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! I DROPPED MY BRICK OUT THE WINDOW!!"
THE CAPTAIN SAYS, "IT PROBABLY LANDED BY NOW."
THEN THE LIBRARIAN RUNS UP TO THE CAPTAIN AND SAYS, "CAPTAIN CAPTAIN!! I JUST DROPPED MY 150 POUND BOOK OUT THE WINDOW!!"
THE CAPTAIN SAYS, "IT PROBABLY LANDED BY NOW."

THEN THEY LAND.

THE CAPTAIN WALKS DOWN A STREET AND SEES A KID CRYING. "WHY ARE YOU CRYING LITTLE BOY?" SYAS THAT CAPTAIN.

"A 150 POUNSD BOOK FELL ON MY HEAD!"

THE CAPTAIN KEEPS WALKING AND SEES ANOTHER LITTLE BOY CRYING!!
"WHY ARE YOU CRYING?" SAYS THE CAPTAIN.

"A BRICK JUST LANDED ON MY HEAD!"

THE CAPTAIN KEEPS WALKING AND SEES A LITTLE BOY LAUGHING REALLY HARD

7K props, 3K posts

 
"WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING SO HARD?" SAYS THE CAPTAIN TO THE LITTLE BOY.

"I JUST FARTED AND THE SCHOOL BEHIND ME BLEW UP!!!!!!!" SAYS THE LITTLE BOY!
 
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