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Issue 99

Aug 12, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Editorials
Love Hurts. The Truth Stings.
I took a break. My last article made me sick. I needed to gather myself, to flush out the congeniality it required to show the softer side of the Masked_Editor.

I’m done with being nice. I’m back.

I want to discuss an epiphany I had the other day. I was doing my favorite thing, sitting alone in my house; staring at a wall. That is when I realized why twits in Urbanville hated me:

Because they know that there is an iota of truth in what I write.

This might be too much for some of you to handle. Reread that line until you understand. I don’t have time to wait; I have better things to do with 5 hours. If after 5 hours you still don’t follow, paint an ‘F’ on your forehead. You have just flunked reading comprehension. (Before the parents start to yowl (yes I meant yowl), I am not referring to your off-spring so don’t get your panties in a bunch)

What I wrote wouldn’t matter so much if people didn’t recognize a pattern. If anyone noticed, the Villains and Vigilantes got upset the most. They flooded my inbox with letters. They dissed me. They even voted me junky. For what? If I were lying, why would they care?

Let me repeat that again:


Perhaps if I were Ira and I said this, then I could understand the letters, the disses, the hate mail, but I’m not. If I were using the information about your uselessness to spread rumors that would cast your organizations in a bad light, then I could understand. But I’m not. I’m just an Editor of a newspaper with a huge ego and opinion to match that ego yet I am a threat.

I must admit, no matter how many times I tried baiting those wussy Heroes and those worthless Beatniks, they never took the time to write me 1 letter. They never put a diss hit out on me. They never tried to figure out my identity. If I wasn’t already a loner, my feelings would be hurt, but they are as cold as an ice box. Impervious to emotions.

Next week is the Chronicle’s 100th issue. There will be a celebration. There will be an editorial. You twits are stuck with me until I get tired or get fired. Here’s some more truth for you, for some anomalous reason Ira likes me.

Since the truth stings the majority of the Chronicle readers, I will make sure to print more articles for the mentally squeamish.

How do you like that truth?

The Masked Editor
Basic Internet Etiquette: Social Sites: Comings and Goings.

As the Military conspires to pull me away from Urbaniacs for a while, and I post my usually thread in the H.A. H.Q., I get to thinking about all the threads in the lounge.

"I'm Leaving"
"I'm Leaving Urbanville"
"I'm Back!"
" Has Returned!"
"Woo! Back now! PAR-TAY!"

Seriously, I think we've had more than enough. I post it to let people know that I'm not disappearing, and plan to be back as often as possible. Everybody else posts it to gain attention. You'll also notice that I post my triumphant return in the same thread where I announced my Temporary Leave of Absence. On a massive social site, the coming and going of people is expected, and there is really no need to announce it to the world in the Lounge Forum. However, some people, such as myself and the late Elite_Dude (R.I.P.), and possibly others I don't know of, are pulled away for our jobs, and as we all know, Real Life trumps any game.

Well, all of us besides a few WoW/SecondLife addicts, that is.

And so, Real Life wins out over UrbanVille every time. This is the reason the Mayor doesn't have updates coming out of his ears.

So people are aware, the accepted way of leaving or returning to a social site is quietly, the same way most people come in. It is; however, appropriate to inform your group members that you'll be gone for a while. It happens.

This has been a course in basic internet etiquette that some people are sorely in need of.

As I'll be gone by the time this issue hits the streets, and will not be around the week after, I just want to congratulate The Urbanville Chronicles on its 100th issue, next week!
Somebody get TME drunk for me.

Live On, Fight on, Rock on, Urb On.
>> Top Stories
The Urbanville 12
It’s your boy Scoop again! Let the games begin, aight?

Our first member of the Urbanville 12 is always last on da list! One of the youngest members of the group, this dude has some pretty big Timberlands to fill. No wonder the brotha never wears shades he is constantly livin’ in a shadow of someone. He can often be spotted ramblin’ about the positive sides to cursin’ and droppin’ quotes like, “I didn't arrive at my understanding of the fundamental laws of the universe through my rational mind” by Albert Einstein.

Can you help Ira catch this criminal?

Each of the Urbanville 12 will have 4 victims. Help us catch them before they get to number 4. If ya win, they get caught. If ya don’t win, they go free, unpunished.

Remember to win the tp you have to be the first person to drop the name of the Urbanville 12 AND their theme killings. First place winners and the 3 runners up will be posted in da Chronicles. That means don’t be literin’ my inbox with, “Yo Scoop, did I win” cause I will straight up ignore ya! If you’re caught cheatin’ you’re OUT!
*A colorful flier catches your eye, on the flier it says....*

Hey You! Yeah You! Do you know T_Feary or crazy_azn_bd_lover? If you do, get your butt down to AQ's Mansion on Role-playing lane! I'm hostin' a 1st Urboversary party for them both!!!

The party will be going until about next week! So make sure to be there or be SQUARE!

Looking forward to seeing you there....
Dude Like Me
Since the Villains are on another hiatus, I got bored! I needed something fun to do and to express my artistic side. That’s the Beatnik in me! Because of this and the fact that Scoop is now busy with his game, I’ve decided to go undercover. I call these series the “Like Me Series.” The first of these series is called “Dude Like Me.”

What happens when guys congregate in a setting where there are no women? I’ve decided to find out by braiding my hair in cornrows and dressing up like a dude. I must say, I make a handsome man! Once I looked myself over I made my way over to the boys locker room located in the Training Room. Here is what I found:

First, when I stepped in I had to hold my breath. The room smelled like corn chips and rotting meat, but then Maggot excused himself and fanned his backside. I hid the feminine need to react to the putrid smell behind a large burp that got their attention. CrimsonKing took one look at me and said, “Oh look and newbie!”

“Sup,” I said in a manly voice and nodded my head once and stared him down.

“The newbie has cojones,” he said and walked away.

I walked over to a corner and pretended to get undressed.

“I’m serious,” Iron_Pants said as he and Dark_Ranger entered the room naked! Don’t worry fellas, I kept looking at the ceiling. No, I’m lying! I looked, can you blame me!

“Nah man, you can’t substitute Splenda for sugar in cookies! That’s just unheard of!” Dark said and snapped Crimson’s naked backside with a towel. Yea, he really did.

Just when Crimson was about to retaliate, Slimthugga came in the room with a smile on his face. I swear that boy is a hottie! I had to hold myself up because my knees buckled. What? I’m human aren’t I?

“What’s the deal with the smile,” Dark asked him.

“Another day, another number,” Slim said and winked at the fellas as Preston entered into the room. I knew I was in trouble as soon as he sniffed the air! I watched in fear as he looked around the room. I looked away but I felt his eyes settle on me. He then walked over to me and pointed.

“No,” I mouthed and shooed him away. He rolled his eyes at me and walked over to join the conversation.

“Yo, who am I,” Preston asked and cocked his right eyebrow at me. He picked up a basketball, cut a hole in it and put it on his head.

“I’m funky. So funky! I like to flirt! I’m cute! I’m funky 24 hours a day and 7 days a week,” he said while prancing around the room, snapping his fingers, and speaking in a high pitched voice.

“AFFY,” they all screamed and started laughing.

“The afro is cute and all, until it clogs your sink,” Crimson said, “When she comes home for the holidays, I have to pull clumps of hair out of my drain pipes. These suckers are so big; they look like a miniature Cousin It!”

Preston smiled at me and continued mocking me. Soon everyone in there began to mock me. I got upset!

“HEY, I DON’T SOUND LIKE THAT” I said in my normal voice before changing it again, “I mean, she doesn’t sound like that!” The guys looked at me weird so I did what any girl who was pretending to be a guy would do in that situation. I grabbed my crotch, spat on the floor, and smacked Iron on his backside. Iron didn’t appreciate it and he almost cracked me across the face but Preston stopped him.

“Chill son,” Preston said and lowered Iron’s hands. Mental note, kill Preston for making fun of me!

“So,” Slim said slowly and gave me a weird look before turning his attention to the fellas, “If you could have any girl in Urbanville, who would you choose?”

Just when things were going to get interesting! Just when I was going to have some juicy dirt to bring back to you guys...

MrAnderson and Maggot walked in eating burritos.

“You fella wanna hear a song,” Maggot asked the guys, “MrAnderson and I wanna sing a new song for you!”

“Hehehe,” MrAnderson said after the guys said yes. Let’s just say, MrAnderson has a wonderful voice, but he wasn’t using that to sing. Let’s just say that I got to see two of the whitest backsides known to mankind! I think even an albino would point to their backsides and say, “Man that’s WHITE!” Then Iron pulled out a lighter and I couldn’t stand to see what would happen next so I grabbed my crap, pushed Preston into a wall, and ran out.

“What’s that guy’s problem,” I heard MrAnderson ask while I ran for my life.

That was the grossest experience ever but I can’t wait to for my next assignment! Watch your mouths! You never know when you’re being infiltrated!

Funky 24 hours a day and 7 days a week!

The Urbanville 12: Clue #1

What's crackalackin' homeys and shawties!

It's your boy Scoop here with your first clue! But before I get to that, let me restate a few things.

1. You must give the name of the serial killer AND his theme to win.

2. If you discover you're the serial killer, don't write me and ask me for you theme. This way I can keep the game fair, aight?

First Victim: DarkestHour


"You shall all fear me! This is just 1 of the 4 I am targeting. It's not like anyone will miss him! If you understand this message, excellent, if you find yourself offended, feel free and encouraged to scream into the nearest brick wall! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hmmm...I'm wonderin' who can it be?! What is the theme?! Do YOU know? There's a +50 training pass on the line!

The Urbanville 12: Clue #2

It's Scoop time and I'm your what? Your BOY! That's right. It's time for clue #2. Thanks to those who are already guessing but so far you all are wrong! Keep tryin' though! I guess folks don't need a +50 training pass because there are only 5 people tryin'!

Second Victim: Steff_x


"MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! I took her down right before her prime! My big brother feels the same way about these cretins! Maybe if she were allowed to live, she would have been okay but we'll never know, will we?!"

Da plot thickens...Will you guess the right person/theme or will 2 more people fall victim to this serial killer?

The Urbanville 12: Results


It looks like zeebert was stopped before victim #3 met their demise! Congrats to DarkestHour he was the first place winner, yo! Imma put in a call to Ira so you can get your +50 tp, aight?

It's still Scoop and I'm still your boy! Keep your eyes opened for next Sunday, not only will we start the second game, but it's also the 100th episode for the Chronicles! The staff is planning some fun times!


>> Comics
Community Happenings

Because the forums can be quite overwhelming, check out what's Happening in your Community!

The Lounge:

Crazy's Urboversary

Looks like another Urbaniac is celebrating her first year on the site! Stop by to wish her a Happy Urboversary but be careful, she bites!

Urbanville Streets:

Ambassadors of Urbanville

The Mayor is looking for peeps and homeys to give guidance to the new members of the site. If you are interested in helping out, click the link and sign your name at the dotted line!

Ladies Room:

Crazy’s Beauty Salon

Ladies are your dawgs barking? Is your face feeling a little dry? Do you spend too much time hiding your nails? Well crazy_anz_bd_lover says, “You can come in for facials, mani/pedis, get your hair done, lots. Come and chat and all you have to do is charge your Urbaniacs Bank card. Whatever you like, I do for you. Come, get your beauty on!!”

The Art District:


Interested in chronicling your existence in Urbanville? Make your way to the Art District and get your blog on! Whether your life is interesting or dull, Funk-Ahhh-Delic ALT seems to be interested.

That's it for now! We can't read everything for you. The forums are filled with interesting threads, we're just here to wet your whistles!

Maybe next week we'll showcase your thread, maybe not. If you feel that you have something worth showcasing send an urbogram to the Masked_Editor.

The Chronicles Staff
The good, the bad and...Everything in between

Good news: 0.5 out of 10 Urbaniacs have the WORM as a sidekick.

Bad news: All the others have no idea that you can grab him by the tail and use him as a whip.
>> Sports