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Issue 96

Jul 22, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Ask Handsome

Dear Handsome,

You’re so smooth with the average Lady, I must give that to you, but could you work your magic on a Player of a feminine nature? Me thinks you would be so tongue tied, you just might fall in love, which is against the Player code. Then again, I think you’re too scared to try your luck with a Player like me. You can only be the best if you go against the best and win. I’m afraid that you’re not the best Handsome. Hand in your Player card and exit the Player’s Ball, please.

Play on? No Handsome, Play off.



You are correct. Handsome has never tried to step to a Playerette. Not because Handsome can’t handle her. She is a Lady after all and Ladies love Handsome. Handsome doesn’t step to a Playerette because our Player powers will repel causing collateral damage.

A true Player cannot adorn his Player robes until he has passed the tests laid out in the Player’s handbook, but then again, Handsome knows that you know that. I have said robes and neither you nor any other Playerette will be able to strip Handsome of his Player gear.

Are you feeling me? Handsome knows that you are!

Playerette if you wish to challenge Handsome to a play off, name the time and the place. I guarantee that Handsome will have you staring at the stars in awe. Then Handsome will extract your Player gear and make you one of his Ladies. Enjoy that Player card while you can.

Whose your daddy, Playerette? That's right, I am!

Handsome U. Whantme

Disclaimer: Handsome U. Whantme is NOT a licensed psychologist! He's just a man who has too much time on his hands, advice to hand out, and love for the Ladies. If you want to write him, send all questions to [email protected]. Make sure that you put "Ask Handsome" in the subject field.

>> Comics
The good, the bad and...Everything in between

Good news: 1 out of 10 Urbaniacs get to win something at the daily lottery.

Bad news: Too bad LUCK skipped the other 9 Urbaniacs who are still dreaming of winning it one day.
A Poll

If Urbaniacs decided to create a quest filled with mystery, urbos, and training passes, would you participate?



Check out my crib and leave your answer!
Gossip Column

What funky junk is happening in Urbanville?? Juicyfruit or "Mama Love" is here to tell you!! Perspiring minds want to know!!

(Please note...these are rumors NOT fact...but they could be dissing me because of my creative genius :P I am not here to protect the innocent hehe... Just telling it from my lil Juicy perspective.

The Juice is No Longer on the Loose!:

There is this terrible gossip going on out there that Afro_Chic threw me a wild and crazy Bachelorette party... Au contraire!! Not so... what seemed or sounded like a night of debauchery was actually a tasteful and discrete night of female social bonding and friendship!! lol... It is true there were some men that showed up for cultural Urbaniacs dancing (you know something that one would see on National Geographic and such) but it was all for the sake of art and culture. :D *Shows her sketch book* See I was able to use my gesture drawings skills to the nth degree (LOL). I would like to thank all those who participated... Afro_Chic, Dark_Ang3L and summers whose hard work made this female soirée a most pleasant evening. Barkeep was going to bartender but wire got crossed and Affy took over, but not before barkeep made everyone delicious mango martinis!!

I would like to now thank all the cultural dancing Urbobs, who, if they had not the courage to perform for such fine ladies, would have made our evening get together such a YAWN and not very educational!! The dancers: diddoe!! no wonder you are our fearless leader (your were first first!!), Dark_Ranger (It is my advice to you ladies to yield to the darkness if you ever have the chance hehe) and Thanatos5150 (never seen an ice cream used that way before! lol) whose ability to do a pelvic tilt was most amazing and deeply appreciated lol... yes, there were times when I was blushing as deeply as the color of Crimson King when he did his fabulous dancing steps and ability to move out of clothing (and of course, we all need to able to quickly change to less in public battles lol, cheers to you my king for you quick clothing maneuvering abilities). Eye354 also joined the dance troop as he evaded any poisoning attempts on his life by summers lol... mad_coco did his famous chicken dance...which was so fabu, that many of the females and male join in the line up. Rackman made several appearances and wowed us with his ability to be so "natural and native" giving all the female a much deeper insight into the Urbaniac Urbob LOL... I even got to ride the rackman down the bar (just a cultural game!!!) hehe... Sir_Rabbit showed us the meaning of why Rabbits have so many bunnies... and why he must be given the title Sir O_O!! lol Darkest Hour came on as well and gave a dance on a table that was so good, many of the girls cant remember what the hour was ...PRESTON - man for such a little guy…SHOCKINGLY GOOD and well... just SHOCKING O_O lol... and finally OGRE... or as well call him now EL HOMBRE gave his dance, with a rose, cape and speaking to the girls in Spanish...yes we all swooned (Love_Child fainted!! Affy good only say...OMG O_O) ...many times... but it was all for art and culture and I am willing to take that kind of punishment LOL It seemed that all the men in Urbob knows how to put a fire on and out! lol I think they must all volunteer for the local Urbaniac fireman crew hehe... oh yes finder threw a knife with 10000 urboz as a wedding gift into the wall O_O lol... seems the pirate is not into cultural dancing (shy!!) hehe... but still wanted to do SOMETHING lol thanks finder!! :D hehe

I also wanted to thank all the ladies that showed up to the soiree to partake in the evening's pleasantries: balla_babes, HappyMeal, Kali_Maa (who I heard did a fabulous belly dancing performance at diddoe's crib!!) lol, Jewel, tankgirl, Blooddrop, Diablos_Secret, and goddess_de_noctorine...there could have been more stopping by later ... but I had to leave to get ready for the...WEDDING!! Yes today we had the wedding at manutd's crib... I moved from mine to his. He bought 4 rooms for me!! awww lol

Diddoe was the masters of ceremonies... but was so nervous that he seemed to be in a little stupor for most the wedding LOL, T_Feary was manutd's best man, as simbob was no where to be seen!! (Sounds like another gossip story lol)... OGRE and MAGGOT (wires crossed again)...walked me down the aisle...there was not a dry eye in the place!! LOL... Dark_Ang3L and summers "dolled" me all up... (did you see my new threads!! *wink* and *grinz*) and Dark_Ang3L gave me the best wax job of my life... I think my 5 oclock shadow won't be back for a month!!! lol... there was tense moment when diddoe asked if there was anyone who objected to the union but after summers threatened peeps with a riptide out of room and Lilly Larva was giving everyone the evil eye... that ceremony continued lol more tears and congrats
from Blondiexpress (very generous gift!! thanks!!!), wolfgal43, Tefex, Gizmo_Tracer, yung_rasta (thanks for helping out with all the pizza from the party before rastaman!! LOL), morpheus69, Bi-Guy01 who held my train as I walked down the aisle and then who wrestled with Dark_Ang3L for the bouquet (Darkness got it LOL but Bi did get a few flowers), balla_babes, HappyMeal, rackman (I'm surprised he was able to get there after all the cultural dancing he did... that man's got stamina!! hehe), jrs112478 and her butterflies, DudeMan, Supersyco1, goddess_de_nocturne... so many people... well it all ended with a big SMOOCH,, the fight over the bouquet and the fight for the garter at the reception... T_Feary put up a huge fight... BUT EL HOMBRE or OGRE... got it!! LOL (which is only fair because I have so much of his stuff lol)... I dont know how many people showed up afterwards and grammies with congrats like Sir_Rabbit (bunny!!!), aboujamradanny and WASHER_WOMAN, who had a hard time finding diddoe's crib lol... Lilly thanks for all the marriage advice... summers with the magic elixir to calm my nerves... diddoe... who tried to get everyone there and not pass out at the wedding lol... everyone did so much... THANK YOU ALL... I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A GOOD TIME AND YOU ALL HAD SOME GREAT LAUGHS!! BEST TIME I EVER HAD ON THE FORUMS!!


(ps ...if there are any typos and grammatical errors... I'M POOOOOPED!! lol)

>> Editorials
The Honest Side of Urbanville

Oh, Masked_Editor, surely you have seen for yourself that even some of the brightest people do not perceive the most obvious things. Everyone uses obvious facts because they are easy, and impossible to argue against.

"*Meh, I am pessimistic, yet instead of changing the site, you choose me.**"*

*Oh yes, I chose you alright, but most certainly not "instead of changing the site". You /are/ part of this site, M_E, and that simply can't be argued against. Call it "obvious" if you must.*

*By the way, I am simply flattered by your article. Instead of just dismissing me as some idiotic rambling lunatic, you actually defended yourself and then challenged me in return. A /much/ more honorable action if you ask my opinion.*

*But no matter how flattering, you seem to have missed a little bit of the point. I don't care how many critiques there are. I don't care how many negative things are going on. As long as they are honest. *

*So the question really is: Do you believe what you write? Because I would rather the Chronicles be about shedding some light on Urbanville's situation, rather than just make the situation look worse and worse. *

*True, you have probably stirred up some good actions in this town, and I respect that. But I think... strike that, I KNOW that there is a much more effective and less bitter way of going about this. Oh, and it would still be a source of equal entertainment, if not more.*

*So let's make the Chronicles a more honest and light-hearted view of Urbanville! We don't have to keep insulting and complaining. Let us see what is /really /going on. *

*No more throwing the issues of Urbanville into the blender of pessimism. What we see is nothing like what is there.*

*Let's look at the honest side of Urbanville for once.*
>> Politics
Reactionary Styles: Villains v. Heroes

Too often recently in this esteemed newspaper, there have been few articles of substance. The Masked Editor's Editorials, Handsome's weekly column, Juicy's Gossip, and DarkAng3L's "facts" are the few things which draw readers. TME's editorials started with scathing reviews of many of the dispositions here in Urbanville, and most were met with returning fire, most notably from the Villains, who put a "bounty" on the Editor, and fired back a bulk of poorly-thought letters which TME decided to publish.

The Heroes never responded.

These actions mean one of two things:

1. The Heroes are a bunch of pansies.
2. The Heroes don't really care about somebody bashing their disposition.

The main villainous group here in Urbanville - that is - the Family, spewed the first responses for a while, during which I took a hiatus from the forums, not wanting to wade through regurgitated idiocy. After a while, the fires cooled to semi-intelligent topics and actual fun, so I returned. During this time, I privately spoke to a number of the Hustle Alliance's leader-types about my thought throughout the situation, and I have since been urged to communicate them to Urbanville.

And so, here you go, Urbanville. The real reason we didn't respond with inarticulate fire is that the second fact is true:

Heroes don't care about somebody bashing our disposition.

That’s right, we aren't attention-hogging, water-polluting, drivel-spewing, helmet-wearing imbeciles who take every generalization as a great personal affront. Heroes are, and forever will be, a reactionary force.

I'll be the first to admit (maybe the Second, Iron_Pants is a lot more vocal than I) that Heroes are a reactionary force, we wouldn't exist without Villains. Our job is to thwart the Villains from doing Evil deeds. And, like any group aligned towards good, we'll give anybody a shot at striking our foes. So when The Masked Editor came around and began hurling insults at us, we let them blow by. Weak Heroes mean weak Villains and in the battle between good and evil that means that times are easy for the civilians on the sidelines.

Villains, however, understand little about the world, other than they're in it, and they want to own it - little surprise, as evil is a path for the small-minded. So, when someone insults them (or rather, points out how ludicrous their constant "restructuring" is), they fly into a rage without examining the problem at hand.

No one sticks their hand in a fire, and the Villains just aren't setting enough fires. As for me, I'll stick my hand wherever I please around Urbanville, just because of the lack of Villainous strength around.

There are a few things I, personally, consider a matter of honor. I don't say anything in the Villain's forum, I rarely look at the Big Dog's forum, and I can't even ACCESS the Beta Tester realm, not that I would if I could (I don't qualify). Most Heroes share my view - save for a few misguided new bloods quickly herded back into the flock by some higher-ups.

Villains however are marked by their prolific and mind-numbing spam campaigns everywhere.

Now, I'm not saying Heroes will win the day - I'm not saying anyone will win they day, at all. I'm just saying that if the Family and Villains in general lose they will rage about fairness, and if they win, they will rage about how the Heroes didn't do their jobs (and really, sometimes, they just defeat themselves and claim they win).

Who is the better side, now?

This has been a question posed to you by your friendly neighborhood fire elf, Thanatos5150

Live on, Fight on, Rock on, Urb on.

>> Top Stories
Another Puncher? Part 3

I know I led you to believe, That Moe and me were the only Punchers around. Well, we’re not. My nephew...his son...Is the other Puncher.

Punchermoe Jr, I owe him a Puncher file.

PuncherMoe Jr.
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Disposition: Hero
Known Identities: Junior, Lil' Hero. Mr. Future.
Powers: Can Shoot electric Blast from his hands, Super speed, Self-cloning.
Weaknesses: Magic

Short History: Junior's history is funny. His Parents are two villains. His Father always pushed him to be better. On his Fifth birthday, a "hero from the future" came and kidnapped Junior. This led to me and Moe's only team-up, to find Junior. After about a week or so or looking, we decided to find a magician who would send us to the future. At first he refused, but Moe "Changed" his mind. He tells us "The One you are searching for...can be found in the ring of white" and sends us the future! Moe, for some Dues ex reason, has a psychic link to Junior. He uses that to find him in the middle of a ring of white flowers. My first thought is that he became a gardener and I start yelling "NOOOO, you're a (My last name), you can do better! NO!” The man who took him rushes out, asks what’s happening, I ask him who he is, he tell us." The man....who took your son," I point to Moe, He says "Oh...Your son." And for some reason Moe is calm. He just looks at Junior, and I even, see a tear shed. Then he looks at the man he took junior and starts to beat the ever loving snot out of him. At this point, Junior Blasts Moe with enough electricity to power a small city. For Some reason, I go to check on Moe, and Junior puts me inside some electric bubble. At this point I'm impressed. I tell Junior who we are, he knows. He says he remembers everything about his past; Junior gets that guy to the hospital and rushes back, all in about 10 seconds. Moe gets up, he and Junior fight, Junior wins. And during all this, I’m still bubble. We convince him to come back with us, he does. Moe fly off when we get back and for awhile Junior and I are a crime fighting Duo. Junior's a good kid, but he's stronger than me. I really don't like that.
Wedding Announcement

The Chronicles would like to congratulate JuicyFruit and manutd on their marriage. May your daughters look as handsome as their mother and have an affection for pink like their father. May your sons do the exact opposite.