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Issue 95

Jul 10, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Editorials
You call THAT journalism?

It has come to my attention that lately the Chronicles, which I used to thoroughly enjoy reading, have been corrupted by a pessimistic "journalist" who seems to have nothing better to do than find the worst in Urbanville and exploit it! Are we really to stand for that? Are we supposed to let the Masked_Editor continue to insult the WHOLE community of Urbaniacs?

This has gone on for simply too long, and now we must rid ourselves of it. M_E has degraded all factions, speaking against Villains, Heroes, and even Vigilantes! When you look at the M_E's words, can you truthfully say that you agree? Any sane Urbaniac could never agree! According to the M_E, all of Urbaniacs is pathetic.

But, Masked_Editor, do you even REALLY believe everything you write? To have such a negative view on such great things, I would hate to see what you think about the truly bad things in this world. If you actually speak your own mind, then that mind should be locked up in the nearest insane asylum. Did you have such a bad childhood that you simply live to find the worst in everything? Or are you a fake?

Your writings are so entirely infused with insults that it ceases to really be literature at all, much less literature. It is just the ramblings of some lonely pessimist.

But with the help of Urbanville, we can change this! We can replace the M_E's articles with someone worthy of writing real journalism! I won't stop until M_E has changed ways or is gone!!!
I call that a CHALLENGE.


Welcome back from your vacation. Feh, I’ve been writing articles since I joined. How much intelligence does it really take to point out the 4000 pound pink elephant in the room? Of course I’m pessimistic! From the marrow of my bones to my face under my mask. Bah, it doesn’t take a Mensa member to figure that out.

You whine that I'm pessimistic. Well here are some facts that have been slightly over exaggerated.

For every optimistic thread there are 3-6 pessimistic threads.

For every 1 accolade, 10 critiques from fellow Urbaniacs follow.

For every post designed to prop members, 5 more filled with squabbling and growling appear.

Meh, I am pessimistic, yet instead of changing the site, you choose me. Heh. The question isn’t whether I believe what I write. I'm not important. The question is will you follow through on your challenge.

“I won’t stop until M_E has changed ways or is gone!!!”

You will see neither happening. That means I expect to see your articles in my inbox every week. The Chronicles come out every Sunday. I work on them every Saturday. Try to get your ingenious articles on my desk by Friday (Make sure you highlight the sun shiny crap on the site). Welcome to the staff. I’m not leaving nor will I change.

After I took over the Chronicles people started reading this paper, the Heroes, Villains, and Vigilantes were riled up and made some changes, and I have become a source of entertainment.

All of this from a lonely pessimistic editor. Let’s see what you bring to the journalistic table.

Consider yourself challenged Shadow King. You have 5 days until your next article is due.

The Masked Editor

P.S. Make sure your article has substance. I spend too much time editing Scoops' articles of useless drivel. I don't need another.
>> Comics
The good, the bad and...Everything in between

Good news: 9 out of 10 Urbaniacs know that Mayor_DaMan is always right and that he has the POWER.

Bad news: If you are that 10th Urbaniac, you smell like a goat.
>> Top Stories
Another Puncher? Part 2

Moe always has a crew. Sometimes he'll stick with the same people, and there are other times where he'll have a whole new crew entirely. Though these are the people who I've seen more than twice with Moe, and what better way to profile ‘em than with a modified Puncher file?

Afro Siren
Real Name: Maxine
Age: 24
Height: 5'3"
Gender: Female
Powers: Sonic Scream, Three Ninja Henchmen
Short History: Ms. Rogers was an Ex-cop and born into a long line of Heroes. She was one of my oldest friends, but Moe got to her. Somehow he brainwashed her into believing she was his girl. After that I've seen her only with Moe. Though recently I heard she broke free of his control and beat him badly, but he got away.

Prometheus X-5
Real Name: Unknown
Age: Unknown
Height: 7'2"
Gender: Male
Powers: Control over Fire and Ice.
Short History: I really don't know anything about this “thing.” I know he used to work in the army. He wears this suit that gives him his powers. I don't know what happened to him to make him wear the suit but it can be good.

Real Name: Bio-0
Age: 4...Long story
Height: 5'6"
Gender: Unknown
Powers: Can Generate Force fields of any size or shape...anywhere
Short History: You know the story, created in a lab to be the perfect soldier. Well Moe heard about this "Super weapon," went to the military base to take Bio. Now he’s the property of Moe. He communicates threw text on "his" mask. He's not a bad person; he just doesn't know what he's doing.

Mike Rock
Real Name: Mike
Age: 31
Height: 6'6"
Powers: None
Short History: This guy is Moe's only real friend. They grew up together and Mike babysat me a few times. He and Moe used to do petty jobs before Moe got his powers. Now, Mike is still friends with Moe, but now he's the Brains. Which is funny if you see how big his brains are.

This is Puncherjoe saying...I'll beat you Moe!
Evil Super Power Crack down Squad

A new Police Squad has hit the streets of Urbanville. The new squad is the E.S.P.C.D.S. and uses the funkiest of police equipment to stop evil Urbaniacs using the dark side of the funk (evil super powers for evil uses).

The Squad is headed by law enforcement minister Senator_Urbaniac. E.S.P.C.D.S is currently undercover in the family H.Q trying to discover who the main culprit is (you have 3 guesses). The Squad has all ready made 13 arrests and currently has 17 arrest warrants and over 40 people on the run.

If you know of anyone trying to dominate the planet, contact the mayor or any other H.A members or post it in the Chronicles.

Please if you see or hear or know of anything that is evil please stay home and call either a hero or the police or ring: 1321 ESPCDS and ask for Senator_Urbaniac.

And remember a safe city is a good city because I don’t have to do much work!!!!!
>> Business
pirates of urbanville chapter 1
This is the 1st chapter of the PIRATES OF URBANVILLE:

From the start of the chapter the moods were more of confused. Getting started was hard, from having to get people to join, starting things, and much more. No one knew what to really do. In the middle it was starting to flow. We were getting to know how things work. It wasn't till the end when true_snit_69 started things with the Vikings. It was good, but it didn't last long. I wanted to stop it so that we wouldn't get our funk kicked out of us.

Supersyco1 (a fellow pirate) got a job interviewing me (captain):

Supersyco1: So how does it feel to be the captain of the pirates?

Rockin_Richard: Being captain is great! I can do whatever I want. If I wanted to be mean and tough with my men I could, but I chose to be nice and helpful. I think I am a great captain for the pirates. Best there is.

Supersyco1: Interesting. How many people have you rounded up to join your pirate crew?

Rockin_Richard: I have 8 great full-blooded pirates! I also have 6 greenhorns, but once the new chapter comes I will make a new rank.

Supersyco1: How many ranks are there and are they hard or easy to achieve?

Rockin_Richard: Well there are 6 ranks (not including captain), and for the top 2 top ranks it will be the hardest to get to, because you need to have great things for the pirates. Not just like the other, other then that though, it’s the easy to rank.

Supersyco1: What was the best fight that you did and was it for the Pirates?

Rockin_Richard: Well it was RUSHBOY, Afro_Chic, diddoe, and I versus Goatfist alone. I hit the biggest hit that I have ever seen. It was over 1,000. But sadly I didn't do this for the pirates.

Supersyco1: Over 1,000 that’s amazing! How did it feel to hit that much?

Rockin_Richard: Great! Goatfist didn't think I could hit him and I got the highest score on him!!

Supersyco1: Do you think this will make your pirate crew look up to you more?

Rockin_Richard: Well if I were them then, maybe, but not if it come down to it, it was a lucky shot like what Goatfist said.

Supersyco1: Well thank you for your time! It’s been great talking to you!

Rockin_Richard: Great speaking with you!


This person started out not knowing what to do, but at the end he made sure to keep in touch with us. He stayed with us the whole time, never did anything wrong, worked hard, did what was asked, plus more. The pirate that I have to give it to is none other then our 1st person to join.........................................SUPERSYCO1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

True_snit_69 also made a slogan for the pirates. I thought this slogan was great and I used it a few times.


Thanks for the slogan true_snit_69! Props coming at you!

Quick_feet went around Urbanville asking people if they knew about "pirates". Five out of 15 people knew, so the next plain I am going to try to do is to spread the news about the pirates.

That’s the end of "PIRATES OF URBANVILLE" chapter 1.
>> Ask Handsome
Wanting Powers


I saw what Miss Frizz wrote to you last week, and I was impressed. Whatever you're doing, I want it. Sure, I can be irresistible to any lady I meet, but the way you are working it, it looks like you have Player powers. You didn't even say a word to her, and she wants you. Can you explain to me how you do this? I want to become an elite Player like you.

Handsome Guy Wanting Powers

Dear Handsome Guy Wanting Powers,

Now if Handsome gives you his blueprints then you will get Handsome’s treasures. Handsome can’t have your hands on his treasures. Though, I feel bad for you, so I’ll bestow some of my wisdom wrapped up in one sentence. A Player is 90% confidence and 10% charm. The Ladies want Handsome because Handsome screams I am sexy, I am the man, you want me, stop fighting your feelings without saying a word.

I call it "Non-verbal Pimpin’" and once you get it down, the Ladies will be down with you.

Play on Player.

Whose your non-verbal daddy? That's right, I am!

Handsome U. Whantme

Disclaimer: Handsome U. Whantme is NOT a licensed psychologist! He's just a man who has too much time on his hands, advice to hand out, and love for the Ladies. If you want to write him, send all questions to [email protected]. Make sure that you put "Ask Handsome" in the subject field.