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Issue 94

Jul 8, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Editorials
My Identity.

Ever since I placed my first footprint in Urbanville, I’ve been riddled with people wondering about my identity. I’ve been linked to more people than Paris Hilton. That disgusts me, immensely. I am who I say I am. There’s nothing special to me. Why the masses choose to revere and talk to the one person who prefers to be hated and left alone is beyond me. I have disrespected many people in Urbanville and all I receive are accolades.

What’s wrong with you twits? Are you the types to hug the mass murderer in your neighborhoods?

I think I know what it is. I say what you think. That’s why you like me. I verbalize the thoughts that your feeble passive aggressive behaviors block. That’s pathetic. There are some in Urbanville who, like me, aren’t afraid to say what’s on their mind but they grow tired of this site and eventually fade away. The more they leave, the more weak minded people look to me as a hero. This irks me because I am neither a hero nor a villain. I’m an anomaly and a loner. That’s why I don’t post a lot, play games, or do battles/assaults. I have one purpose on this site, the Chronicles . I take care of it and mind my own business, you all should try that.

What would happen if you got to know me? Huh? Will you aggravate me with your friendship? Send me urbograms after urbograms telling me I’m special. I know that already. I don’t need confirmation. What do you fools want from me? My name, where I’m from, if I have a myspace account so you can gaze upon my good looks, well I’m not that kind of player. What you see is what you get. That’s right. You have a grumpy editor who wears a mask and keeps to himself. I answer to no one, I don’t make friends, and I don’t play nice.

I am who I say I am. Stop trying to ruin the magic or you will lose me too. Then who would you love to hate?

I’m not broken, try to fix me, feel my wrath.

The Masked Editor
>> Top Stories
Another Puncher? Part 1

As you may, or may not, know, I have a "brother" named Punchermoe. At least that's what he calls himself. Moe is my oldest brother & the reason I came to Urbanville. Moe is a behemoth, bigger than big, taller than tall. Oh, & he has powers, yeah...I forgot those. At first, Moe had super strength & invulnerability. Then after he threatens a scientist, he could control Rocks, his strength was increased, he could shoot stun gun things from his hands...& he can fly. Now, from what I've heard, he wears this armor that amps his powers even more. Moe usually never works alone, he's always seen with another super powered crazy person. Usually someone weaker than him, but not by much. When Moe does work alone, it will take seven or eight people to take him down. Out of the five times I fought him, 4 of those times I was smart enough to bring back up. The one time I didn't, Moe was robbing a bank vault, and...He beat me to a pulp. I was in intensive care for a month. After a while, I put Moe in jail, with a lot of help, too many names to name. After his trial, I left for Urbanville & decided to start new. Moe broke out of jail & instead of looking for me; he made a name for himself. If Moe ever came here, if he ever found me, I don't know if He'd kill me, or finally call me his brother for becoming a villain.
Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge

The story is coming to a theatrical end but we aren’t there yet! Until then, it’s that time again! That’s right, it’s time for some more updates on...

"Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge!!!!"

Love Child, Thanatos, and Flaming Char Bob plan to divert the attention of the Laws by putting on a musical, with out Affy!

Iron Pants: Yes. That will do nicely. Affy, stop pouting.

Oh poor Affy! Anywhoo...Preston and some of the sidekicks are breaking off to rummage for more information in PC’s office.

Preston: I'm like the ringmaster at a circus.

Yea you are Preston! Moving on! Interesting things happened at the “Dreamgirls” contest...That is before the Laws broke up the party!

Thanatos: You expected me to wear an orange saber with a strapless green gown?! Never mind the high heel shoes! I wouldn't be able to walk across that stage, let alone stand! Besides, it didn't match.

Ehhh, maybe it’s a good thing that the Laws broke up that party! Luckily everyone succeeded in their missions!

The three groups succeeding in their missions.

The only things that were harmed were PC, her building, and her Laws! Everyone else was safe!

Crimson: Hippie... hippie... midget... midget... cranky... cranky... piggie... froggie... elfie... um... Bob...

How will the gang take PC down?

Love Child: Love. Many women have fallen because of male influences.

True dat! This will probably be the last update to this story! It looks like things are coming to an end! It also looks like Iron’s going to be sweet talking PC into forgetting her evil plans! Is he capable of doing that?!

Afro Chic: But, if there was a way for us to set up a microphone so I could feed him lines.

Good idea! Okay, I now return you to your regular dosage of:

“Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge!!!!"

Art work was created by Iron_Pants.

>> Comics
Gossip Column

What funky junk is happening in Urbanville?? Juicyfruit or "Mama Love" is here to tell you!! Perspiring minds want to know!!

(Please note...these are rumors NOT fact...but they could be dissing me because of my creative genius :P I am not here to protect the innocent hehe... Just telling it from my lil Juicy perspective.

Juicy Flirts:

Guess what? If you don't know what flirt means, you need to read this article. Believe it or not OGRE did not know what flirting was all about O_O... okay so I said I believe him lol...anyways I was trying to explain flirting to OGRE when all of sudden T_Feary pops into the battle and says, "You dont know what flirt means!? lol" and OGRE said, "no." Then T_Feary says... I believe it means...kinda like a girl or a boy... (I sit down to listen to this explanation hehe)... doin something way different then they usually do in front of someone kinda, heres a example.." O_O well OGRE and I really leaned in closer for this explanation lol! T_Feary continues..."women in dress, bends down, BIG FLIRT RIGHT THERE!! My dad told me that one! LOL!" So there you have it... if there is a woman in the room and she is wearing a dress and she bends down... she is flirting with you!!! ROFL... man that is funny. So if you are woman, wearing a dress... do not bend down, especially not near T_Feary's dad or he will think you are flirting with him! LOL If you have any other questions regarding what flirting might can contact T_Feary's dad via.. T_Feary!! Hehe --

Okay... got this straight out of the mouth of rockin_richard! In his own words!! (Bracketed words...are my comments lol)

Goat hairs in my cup:

"Just coming back on urbaniacs. look and saw Goatfist's name in the lounge. I go look to see what he was crying about and I saw that he had wrote in the 4 on 4 old school battle. So I looked just in case Goafist was at least in battle...And only Afro_Chic was there! I immediately went on her team, and not long after that RUSHBOY and diddoe came. Goatfist, thinking he was strong, started the battle. RUSHBOY and diddoe still in there street clothes knew Goatfist will be getting them dirty [I guess goats are kind of dirty lol]. So it's us 4 vs. him. Goatfist goes and attacks RUSHBOY!! [Goats aren't very smart lol] RUSHBOY frosts him with is superpower! Afro_Chic then scares him for life with her jungle rave! diddoe goes for his turn and gets him. Now it's my turn, since my ice is my strongest thing I try it, but nothing. Then Goatfist starts making fun of me!!?!?! He makes his attack but we are all still alive! Then RUSHBOY attacks him, Afro_Chic does the same, and also diddoe. My turn again, I am pumped because of him making fun of me. So I go and swing my urbo-saber at him.....BOOOM!!!!! I do the unthinkable [and Rock can think a lot! lol] I make an attack over 1,000 points!!! I've never see anything like it in my life... over 1,000 [YIKES O_O]. Goatfist then goes after RUSHBOY still talking his junk [hmm..Goatfist going after RUSH's junk... lol] RUSHBOY attacks. Afro_Chic goes and attacks with her claws of dooooomah!! Which caused diddoe to say, "holy **** (sorry censors! lol) when he saw that, and attacks. My turn, feeling good about myself I try again, nothing. Goatfist gets tired of me and beat me in one hit! I immediately tune back in and watch RUSHBOY ice him. Afro_Chic scares him again. diddoe wails on him after Afro_Chic. Throughout the whole battle, Goatfist never does his fist of furry [well how much can you expect a goat to remember...even if does have a first? lol]. Then RUSHBOY, Afro_Chic, and diddoe beat him down to the floor. RUSHBOY named Goatfist "road kill". Later diddoe throws a party for the battle that was too easy to be true. Afro_Chic starts clowning on The Family because how much of a "____ [just put anything in the blank that goes along with "LAME!!!" lol] leader Goatfist is. She also puts the big hits ... she did on him in the lounge of "hits around the world"

If you look at my hideout you'll get proof of my hit. [I believe you Rock!]

That’s the story. there it is folks.. .just to make sure that rock's story was true...when I was in an assault with rockin_richard and Supersyco1 (or..I like to call him Stinkyhead because he has the head to give him the powerful cloud of stinky death! lol) today, I lifted up rockin's cape and looked at his booty! O_O... yep .. sure enough there was the hoof print that knocked rockin_richard into his next life! lol Thanks for the story Rock!!
The good, the bad and...Everything in between

Good news: 9 out of 10 Urbaniacs (one Urbaniac is still daydreaming and doesn't know his way around) are aware of the existence of the Super Power +50 Training Pass.

Bad news: Nobody has ever gotten the chance to use it because a +50 TP is just a myth (all 9 Urbaniacs hate it when myth busters are right).
>> Ask Handsome
My Lady

Dear Handsome,

I so want you! How does a woman like me become one of your Ladies?

Waiting to be forever yours,

Lady Frizz

Dear Lady Frizz,

Looks like another fine Lady has succumbed to Handsome’s powers. Don’t worry, Handsome always takes good care of his Ladies. It’s easy to become one of my Ladies. All you have to do is ask. Handsome never turns down a Lady, it’s not the way of the true Player. You can give Handsome a sweet holler using the telephone. Drop by Handsome’s lair where I’ll have flowers and bling waiting for you. My Ladies always look good and they are always adorned with the latest and biggest bling! Finally, you can catch Handsome in the streets and give him a sexy whistle or growl. My Player ears will perk up and you will have Handsome’s attention.

You made a good choice my sweet Lady Frizz. Handsome will take the time to make you feel special. Now give Big Daddy Handsome a sexy call and I’ll be there faster than those sexy eyes can blink!

Whose your daddy? (Say it loud and proud Frizz!)That's right, I am!

Handsome U. Whantme

Disclaimer: Handsome U. Whantme is NOT a licensed psychologist! He's just a man who has too much time on his hands, advice to hand out, and love for the Ladies. If you want to write him, send all questions to [email protected]. Make sure that you put "Ask Handsome" in the subject field.
>> Politics
News in the Hood...

It's your boy Scoop and my head is swimmin' from the tennis action I've been peepin' between the Villains and the Heroes.

Oh the carnage!

I'm seeing LoS members attackin' high ranking Hustle Alliance members. But yo, don't count out the Leaders of the Family! You know those homeys are planning something BIG to smack the Heroes in their grills! Oh! Smacks to the grill! Now that's straight up raw! Though, I wouldn't expect the Hustle Alliance to turn the other cheek unless they are bringin' their pimp hands to clock that Villain back in their dome!

Yo, if you ain't in either groups, I suggest you grab and seat and feast your eyes on the drrrrrraaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaa! Be careful though! You might get pulled in and SERVED!

I don't know when this fightin' will end but your boy is lovin' it! Every time a LoS member gets dropped, your boy starts to sing, "Another Bites the Dust!" Maybe one day the Leaders will put their LoS members to bed so the adults can have a spin!

This is the first story I got without havin' to disguise myself! HOLLA!

It's your boy Scoop_McFanny sayin':

If it's news and it's hot you can expect me to beat the others to the punch...AIGHT?!