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Issue 93

Jun 27, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Top Stories
The good, the bad and...Everything in between

Good news: 3 out of 13 Urbaniacs are following a villain leader which goes by the name of GoatFist.

Bad news: If YOU are one of those 3 you are considered to be a FOOL! (GoatFist himself calls you that).
Interview with a Wereboy

Hi urbaniacs – it’s me, Honnah Lee, the only chick on the Chronicles. I’m back and I’m interviewing one of the most prominent sidekicks in Urbanville – Preston the Wereboy. You rookies might know him as “The little dude who hangs out with Afro Chic a lot”. Honestly, Preston’s got more on the ball than most other sidekicks, so this should be an interesting interview.

Honnah: Welcome Preston!’d you get shackled with a name like “Preston”? It sounds like a stuck-up little preppy boy instead of a scrappy little wereboy who’s stronger than most newbies...

Preston: Eh yo...seriously? That name came from my Chica. She wanted to give me something that made me special, y’know? Yeah, yeah, it’s a little prissy... but prissy is the last thing people be think’n when I’m all up in their grill, y’hear me?

Honnah: Speaking of your Chica – let me ask the question that’s on most people’s minds – what’s it like living with the biggest celebrity of Urbanville since Mayor DaMan?

Preston: I dunno yo...It’s not like she acts like she’s a celebrity. I don’t really feel the celebrity, y’know what I’m saying? She’s just my Chica...I got the stupid men knock’n at her door and all and that ticks me off...but other than that, she’s just a regular chick you know...except with claws...

Honnah: Speaking of regular – are all wereboys children, or are some of them midgets like some people like to think? And if they’re children – how do you feel about Urbanville’s child labour laws?

Preston: Yo! We’re not midgets, aight? And also, I’m not a child. I dunno how those other wereboys are living, but yo – P is a teenager.

Honnah: So I take it puberty has not quite kicked in yet? I mean, even I’m taller than you.

Preston: Yo, I’ll drop my pants right here and show you puberty has hit. It’s just that, in my line of work, we only grow to a certain height. ‘Cause our bodies need to be able to switch into the werewolf form.

Honnah: Dropping your pants wouldn’t prove anything considering we’re pretty much well expecting you to be hairy. So what you’re saying is – yes. You are all midgets. Midget werewolves. Pigmy werewolves, if you will.

Preston: You know what? That would be a diss coming from someone who was actually taller, but coming from you? That’s like the midget calling the munchkin short, know what I mean?

Honnah: Well, so far you’re faring better that DaMan’s Kid Covert or Goatfist’s Flango. So, what’s your thoughts on some of the other more prominent sidekicks out there in Urbanville?

Preston: Well, first we’ll start with my boy, the B.S.P. AKA Bacon Bits, AKA Bebop. At first, we didn’t really get along, y’know? He’s forever trying to push Iron and Affy together, and I’m forever trying to keep my Chica single.

Honnah: Considering Urbanville’s selection... I can’t say I blame you.

Preston: Ha! Can you tell my Chica that for me? Aight, so...once I got past that Canadian accent and I could actually understand him...yo man, he became my best friend, y’know what I’m saying? And then there’s Paolo – that’s Love’s sidekick. I gots no problems with him, as long as he treats Penelope right. There’s Mikey, MrA’s wereboy who thinks he’s cool because he speaks Italian and stuff. And then you got Bane...who I ain’t gonna front, he’s the strongest wereboy out there. I gots to give props when they’re due, but he still ain’t got nothing on me.

Honnah: Like for example, a personality?

Preston: Exactly!!

Honnah: Think he’s gonna come after me for saying that?

Preston: I dunno, prolly not – that requires thinking and you know how those muscle-heads are. By the time the thought gets to their brain, they’re like “Duuuuhh… I need to go work out.” Finally, you got those beautiful ladies, Buffy, Irene, Lois, Sally, and let’s not forget, my princess, Princess. Who belongs to Slimthugga, or my Chica’s Chulo.

Honnah: You think Slimthugga and Afro Chic should get together, eh?

Preston: Nah, I’m not trying to say that, I mean they’re good friends...I mean, Lord knows she needs some male friends, someone who’s not trying to get down with her...

Honnah: Well said. Well, we’re just about out of time – they don’t give me too much space, being the new girl and all. So I’d like to just thank-you for coming down – and I hope my Canadian accent didn’t make me too hard to understand.

Preston: Ha. You’re funny.

Honnah: One last question – if you were to sum up Afro Chic in one word, what word would you choose?

Preston: The only word you can choose – Sassy!

And there you have it, Urbanville. Preston didn’t disappoint and his bark is as bad as his bite – and for anyone who’s been in a scrap with Afro Chic, you know his bite is pretty fierce. Hope you tune in with me again soon – if I play my cards right, I actually might have a staff photo next time. Oh, the joys of being a minority. Till then, URB ON!
Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge

Will this story ever end?! It should, but until that happens here is an update on...

"Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge!!!!"

It looks like our little gang is preparing for their final battles with PC!

Iron Pants: We gotta make our entrance loud, 'cause it's going to take time and teamwork for RoboMutt and Filthy Squirrel to break in and drop a ladder for the others. After we break in, we'll split into two teams with Love, Thanny and Bob providing distraction while Affy, Crimson and I hit the basement.

And...Let’s just say that things will end with a BANG!

Crimson King: I just have one last question, am I expected to blow up inside this building too? I figured it would save the confusion if I just knew ahead of time.

I hope so Crimson, I hope so, but anyways! Thanatos decided to have a heart to heart with his sidekick!

Clee-SHREK: Ribbit Croak Ribbit Ribbers?

Can a sistah get a translator?! Never mind, moving on. Meanwhile on the other side of town, PC is becoming impatient!

PC: This place is disgusting! I swear if I see one more burrito, I'm going to lose my lady-like demeanor and kill you all!

Scary!!! At least they have a picture of their adventures!

The Gang looking at PEC Chemicals.

What will our protagonists with next?!

Afro Chic: Well, given our situation and the way the van is running, I think we're due for an inconvenient situation.

And she was correct! How will this soap opera end?!

We won't find out until next week on:

“Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge!!!!"

Art work was created by Iron_Pants.

>> Business
Pirates of Urbanville
Hello this is the Captain of the pirates writing. The reason why I am writing to you is because the pirate crew has agreed to help put together chapters about us. All that we are doing is putting together information gathered by pirates, then we will put what we have done for the past chapter. Finally we will put it together to show what we do.

So you might see this once in a while, it will not be every week or anything like that. But there will be other chapters, as long as we stand.

This will be big for my men, because I will be holding "PIRATE OF THE CHAPTER" awards! What this is, will be rewards that I think a pirate should get for doing all his work. I have not even told my men this so your not the only ones finding out about this.
>> Comics
Tank Girl

I have got a thing for Tank Girl, but I just don't know what to tell her, and how to approach her even when her friends aren't around. I really like her, but I think I'm just too old. Please Handsome! Help me!!!!!!

Tank Obsession

Dear Tank Obsession,

You know that Handsome is all about love. You also know that Handsome is all about the Ladies. Yes the Ladies and Tank Girl is the cream of the crop! Anyone who ends up having her for a Lady is one lucky man, but I won't hit on her. Handsome knows that against me, you wouldn't stand a chance, so I will let you have her.

So what do you know about Tank Girl? Handsome suggests that you find out about her. Be a friend first, then you can move in and become her man. Check out Handsome's article to Thingaman in Issue 90. Though I must admit Player or should I call you O.G. (Original Gansta) that if you're too old, then she might not want you. Why would a young and sexy thang want an old man? She needs to be cuddled up next to Handsome as he looks into her eyes. Tankgirl, how about you do some of your "art" on Handsome's strong back? I'll let you take all the pictures you want.

Oh wait. I'm supposed to be helping you O.G. Check out the article that I told you about, homey. If that helps and you earn the privilege to be in the presence of such a P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thang), make sure you drop me a line, so I can remove her off of my "to-do" list.

Whose your daddy? (Tank Girl, I can be your daddy!)That's right, I am!

Handsome U. Whantme

Disclaimer: Handsome U. Whantme is NOT a licensed psychologist! He's just a man who has too much time on his hands, advice to hand out, and love for the Ladies. If you want to write him, send all questions to [email protected] Make sure that you put "Ask Handsome" in the subject field.