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Issue 90

Jun 7, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Ask Handsome
How To Get an Urbanville Lady

Yo Handsome!

You're the number one playa around here, so I figured you'd know what I'm talkin about. I got plenty of fine ladies at home, but both you and I know that more is better. I haven't been able to use my good looks or charming personality here in Urbanville with much success yet. How do you make the ladies "Whantyou"?

The Thingaman

Yo Thingaman,

Now this is a question that Handsome likes. First, let me greet you the true player way, "Player, PLAYER!" Second, let Handsome school you in the way of the Ladies.

1. A Player is aware of and adapts to his environment.

Before Handsome approaches a Lady he takes a moment to scan his playing field. Is it too loud? Is it too quiet? Are there too many people around? Is she alone? Are her girls there and if they are, do they look happy? The Lady may be willing to talk to you but her friends can easily player block with one frown.

Once Handsome answers a few questions then he moves in for the “kill,” which will have the Lady swooning for days.

2. A Player is aware of who he deals with and how to approach them.

My handsome eyes have grazed the forums. Handsome knows who the Players are and their marks. It stings my handsome heart to admit this, but most of the Ladies have their Player cards. Look at the Flirty Mafia. All this comes from their ability to adapt to the Urbanville environment. They let their words speak volumes for them. The flirtiest Ladies on this site tend to be the best writers and they know how to make their men swoon with 1 sentence. Follow them around, learn from them. If you read their posts, Player, you will see that they don’t flirt the same way with the guys that they approach. There’s a reason for that and Handsome knows it well. What works for one Lady isn’t going to work for the next one. Besides, the one thing that keeps Handsome swimming in the Ladies is the fact that he doesn’t do the same thing twice, so when they compare and contrast all of my Ladies know that ol’ Handsome loves them in a special way.

Sometimes Handsome comes off as sweet because he’s dealing with a shy Lady. I listen to them. That’s right, I let them talk because that’s what they need and that’s what they want. I write them poetry to make them giggle. That way they can trust Handsome and let go.

If I’m dealing with a wild Lady, Handsome is freer with what he does because shock and awe is my plan of action. I might drop them some poetry but they tend to like brass displays of affection, you followin’ me Player?

3. All it takes is one Lady/Social Circle.

Handsome’s true secret is, I just romanced 1 woman in each social circle. From there, that woman bragged to her friends, then I had their friends jocking me. Sometimes these Ladies would knock on Handsome’s door begging me for my time and I would look at them, touch their chin lightly and say, “Leave me your number sweet thang and Handsome will call you soon!” They always left their number and Handsome always called them.

Sometimes Handsome meets a Lady who doesn’t feel him but that’s okay because Handsome always shows her a good time. This way, she tells her friends that she wasn’t interested in me but “That Handsome was a gentleman!” And her friends think, “I needs me a piece of that Handsome!”

4. It’s in the way you talk to your Ladies.

Pick one Lady and give her a sweet nickname, like baby, sugar, and sweetheart. Find out a characteristic of hers and come up with a name after that. If she smiles a lot call her sunshine or if she has dark eyes call her mysterious. It’s all about making those Ladies swoon and trust Handsome, once they swoon they are yours!

Much luck in your quest for Urbaniac Ladies, Player, but be careful of two things. One, some of these Ladies will see through your game so if you can’t be genuine, then don’t even try Handsome’s suggestions. Two, stay away from Handsome’s Ladies. I’m overprotective and I don’t like strange hands touching my Ladies. I will break my handsome foot off in your derriere.

Whose your daddy? That's right, I am!

Handsome U. Whantme

Disclaimer: Handsome U. Whantme is NOT a licensed psychologist! He's just a man who has too much time on his hands, advice to hand out, and love for the Ladies. If you want to write him, send all questions to [email protected]. Make sure that you put "Ask Handsome" in the subject field.

>> Comics
Gossip Column

What funky junk is happening in Urbanville?? Juicyfruit or "Mama Love" is
here to tell you!! Perspiring minds want to know!!

(Please note…these are rumors NOT fact...but they could be dissing me because of my creative genius :P I am not here to protect the innocent hehe... Just telling it from my lil Juicy perspective.


Okay awhile back around Mother's Day, I came stumbling into the forums and I think Tiger_Eyes started a thread called "Are you a Mother?"

And some how between all the dialoging, Thanatos5150, Zeebert, Sacred_Apollyon and Bi_Guy01 changed the entire topic about what is a mother to...who has to wear clothes and they don't feel they had to and they are gonna revolt! lol WOW...

So I was cruising down their street one say and passed by their cribs and sure enough... all of them bare as when their mama's first saw them. You know I should take advantage of this situation and see if they would be will to sit for artists as a live models!! O_O lol

I was thinking the classical styles after Michaelangurbo or Leonardo de Urb but knowing these four, I think they would like the classical look of...hmmm...:

Zeebert - the classic Burt Reynold's pose lol
Sacred_Apollyon - the classic thinker look but sitting on the ceramic lung (the toilet) with a magazine or something hehe
Thanatos5150 - the classic D&D fire elf look O_O...ummm...we could have some chars standing behind him to give him the...fiery glow lol; and
Bi_Guy01? - oh yeah the classic polar bear skin - baby pose...your basic shiny bare booty pose with one leg bent, hands under chin and a big grin on one's face lol

lol I can just imagine hustling them all into my studio for the their sittings...from the backside it will probably look like a honeydew melon rack!!! lol

Better give Love_Child, OGRE, JackMove_Sucka, Iron_Pants, Dark_Ang3L and other artists a call to help me with this sitting! lol


Was in an assault the other day with manutd (my betrothed lol), OGRE and kissthis...and I find out that manutd has been talking to 10 other girls on Yahoo!! Then we find out the the number was closer to 30?!?!? Kissthis call manutd something that I cannot repeat on this site (LOL) but OGRE said, "you are MACHO EL HOMBRE!" lol Then OGRE said, "See I am not Casanova,
manutd is Casanova!!!" Then manutd said, "I like that name Casanova!!" I’m betrothed to a Casanova... man can I pick 'em manutd's new name is Mucho Macho EL HOMBRE Casanova! I think the girlfriend numbers are now somewhere between 45-60!! Manutd vehemently denies this but...manutd will say anything. lol


Last but not least, I was with some of my most favorite peeps from Down Under (Australia)...mad_coco, cangurina and Richmax. So I asked madness..."How's it going down under?" He said nothing so I looked under his cape, Cang's and Rich's and said, "Looks good down under!! Nice stats!! LOL" Mad and Cang were like LOL but Rich... (He is sooo pious and proper) starts yelling, "I'm being harrassed!" Pooey... :P Everyone knows that all peep's stats are written on their booties in Urbaniacs, along with serial no. and trademark name...Urbaniacs TM lol...

We also discussed and figured out why Jenny and Johnny Law are so angry all the time. Well, they had 3 children at one time. But being the legalistic, super uptight peeps they are (...just look at Jenny...she's so stiff, she looks like she has a permanent thong wedgie!! hehe), their kids rebelled against them and joined Goatfist!!!! O_O YES...The weird thing is this...after they joined them...He turned the girls into sludges and the boy into...yes...A Char!! Cangurina told me that one of the Sludges was Sophia... Sophia Sludge Law!...mad_coco said the other was Sally Sludge Law and the boy is...Charlie Char Law (of course Jenny blames
it on Johnny and visa versa)!! You can't even tell the difference from Charlie Char Law from a regular char anymore...which creates another problems cause recently because...well...ummm...

Minute Maid:

Well OGRE, Tankgirl, morpheus69 and I had an assault on the rooftop...involving some chars and a henchie...and we won, of course and decided we were hungry and that we should have a BBQ on the rooftop!!! I was gonna use a char as charcoal but Tankgirl says that Chars are delicious!! O_O lol They are spicy like a Habanero chili and OGRE mentioned that Henchies make delicious burritos soooo...ummm...We had Spicey Habanero Carne Asada de Char and Burritos de Henchies for a BBQ dinner!!! lol...Good grief I hope we didn’t eat Charlie Char Law!!! O_O
>> Top Stories
The good, the bad and...Everything in between

Good news: 10 out of 10 Urbaniacs get addicted after they start playing on this site.

Bad news: You're one of them!
Sidekicks of the Rich and Infamous

Hi folks! This is Honnah Lee, and I’m giving the Chronicles a long-overdue female presence. It’s time to shake up that ol’ boys club! Handsome – by the time you read this, that stink bomb I planted in your office should have gone off. Playas gotta be put in their place, and I’m just the little punk chick for the job.

Today, I’m interviewing two celebrity sidekicks – none other than Mayor DaMan’s Kid Covert, and Goatfists’ Flango.

Honnah: Flango, Kid – welcome. Umm... so do you guys have names, or do you just go by the generic label?

Flango: ...

Kid: Like the mayor, I have an embarrassing first name, so “Kid” is preferable.

Honnah: Sorry to hear that. Annnnnd WHY am I interviewing a flying rat that obviously can’t talk? Listen Flango, I don’t care whose butt you kiss… but do you have any way of communicating at... ah... I see. You’ve only got four fingers but I think I get the gist of it. Very good. Now my first question is for Kid. Kid, what’s with the glasses and cape? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of being invisible?

Kid: It’s so I don’t get run over or stepped on. Trust me, being completely invisible has a lot of drawbacks. Especially when you’re waiting in line for coffee.

Honnah: I imagine “Photo ID” is a pain.

Kid: Yes.

Honnah: And that people ask you to eat elsewhere, as watching the digestion process isn’t exactly stimulating to the appetite.

Kid: Yes.

Honnah: Ever sneak into the girl’s bathroom?

Kid: Uhh...

Honnah: Does Sassy Jungle Kitty know what you do?

Kid: WHAT? I didn’t do anything!! I swear!!

Honnah: Methinks the Kid doth protest too much. Peek on Lunar Moonbeam Princess?

Kid: NO!!

Honnah: How about Tricky? She’s sort of tomboyish, but she looks pretty good on a T-shirt...

Kid: STOP!!

Honnah: And my next question is for Flango.

Flango: ?

Honnah: You’ve been dyed a darker color and had a mustache grafted to your muzzle. That constitutes evil?

Flango: ...

Honnah: Do you ever poop on people as you fly by?

Flango: ... (cackles)

Kid: Nice going. NOW you’re giving him ideas.

Honnah: Ever go to the bathroom in public Kid? I’m sure you’ve thought about it.

Kid: NO!! NEVER!!

Honnah (to Flango): Is it annoying hanging around someone who’s always shouting?

Flango: (nods)

Honnah: Have you ever wanted to tell Goatfist where to PUT that fist of his?

Flango: (looks away)

Honnah: Ooooh, I bet you have.

Flango: (continues to look away)

Honnah: Do you at least get some sort of benefit plan? Do you work for peanuts? Have you ever considered demanding almonds at the very least?

Flango: (ponders that suggestion)

Honnah: We’re running out of time, mostly ‘cause the Chronicles is too cheap to pay me to do a real interview. So to close it off, I’m going to ask you both to sum up working with your respective bosses in one word.

Flango: (Makes a rude gesture)

Kid: Pimp’n!!

Honnah: There you have it folks. I’m Honnah Lee, Flango does unspeakable things with Goatfist, and the mayor apparently has Kid Covert turn tricks. Thank you and URB ON!
Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge

Well you’re here so that means you’re looking for ANOTHER update on:

Another Day in Urbanville: PC’s Revenge!

Oh so, Crimson and PC finally had a little talk! I think they are going to be friends!

Crimson: Oh yes, you would end up all alone because once your kids hit 18, they would leave their crazy, Prozac poppin' parent. Then the only thing that would keep you company would be the echoes of your voice as you cry yourself to sleep.

Or...Not. Also, Flaming Char Bob’s new power is helping the gang win over the Charlie and Constance Laws!

Charlie Law: Oh Bob, where have you been all my life you fabulous thing you!

Just not in a way that everyone expected. Oh! Affy FINALLY got a chance to see PC face to face!

PC: So what are you going to do Affy? Sit there spitting whimsical puns and 1 liners? Or are we going to do this?

And did it they did!

Affy, PC, Iron, and CrimsonKing.

Flaming Char Bob’s power also worked on a Constance Law causing her to hit on…Love Child?!

Thanatos: Ew, scary much?

Totally! What’s better than watching Affy and PC fight? Watching Love beat the stuffing out of Afro Law!

Iron Pants: Well look at this, we have dual fights! Two sexy ladies! Two ugly criminals! Oh my goodness, I can't take anymore! I'm going to have a heart attack!

Luckily for PC, she got to escape but she didn’t escape the bruisin’ that Affy gave her!

Affy: It's obvious that I can't kill you, but I can hurt you and I'm okay with that!

You go girl! Does anyone have anything left to say?!

Love Child: Can't you ever keep it in your pants, Panties?

Maybe not...Uhhh, TMI!!! Update over! Take those eyes back to:

“Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge!!!!"

Art work done by Iron_Pants.

>> Business
Game On!

Are you good at the games of Urbaniacs?

Are you looking for a good opportunity to prove you worth?

Or, do you just like to be challenged?

Well Listen Up Fools.

The Family is now hosting a gaming contest to find out who the best of the best Urbaniacs gamers are. It will be a tournament for the ages. Do you have what it takes to be crowned King or Queen of the games?

Sign ups are now being held in the Villains forum under GAME ON and will be going until June 20th. At that point in time Double Elimination brackets will be formed and groups of 3 or 4 will compete in hopes of making it to the finals.

Featured games will include Rooftop Ruckus, Boombox, Let It Ride, Flingo Flango, and many more.

Any questions or comments can be urbogrammed to Sacred_Apollyon.

So, do you have what it takes to be the best gamer on Urbaniacs?

Now is your time to prove yourself. Good Luck.