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Issue 89

Jun 3, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Editorials
Top 10 Stupid Comments

I receive various letters, most of them are mindless. I also read the forums; I see what you say about me. I enjoy the fact that some think they can hurt my feelings. Feh. I took the most moronic comments, complied them in this article. I also decided not to edit them so pardon their grammatical errors. Here:

The 10 Stupidest Comments I’ve Received So Far

10. I am currently a student at little villian school for excessively annoying!
Why don't you write a crappy article about the villain school for the annoying?

You guys are losers. Feel better now? The graduates from your school go on to become loud-mouth drones who act like they are the result of inbreeding.

9. I think we should all diss that jerk, then he might shut up about us being push-overs, vigis being stupid and just generaly being a dip stick.

I never used the term dip stick that is until I read this comment. Dissing hurts those who battle and do assaults. I do neither. Use the thing between your ears before you post. It might help you look smart in the forums. Trust me, you need it.

8. The HA member who started the thread isn't a "friend" or even on my homey list. Neither are you,in case you didn't know that either.

Oh no my feelings are hurt. Feh. Get over yourself, you aren’t that great.

7. Lately the masked editor has been a real jerk. He always was, but now he is just asking for some major dissing.

Twit. I was and have been asking for more involvement. Yet, if more involvement means more posts from imbecilic tools like you, then I change my mind.

6. i was thinking that you can if you can be the leader of the undecided people.

I'd rather have a V8. In a more simplistic term (for you slow people), no.

5. Just a suggestion...but maybe you should try being nice in the chronicles for once. It works wonders, then you might get even more props. you never know

Just a suggestion, get your egg shaped head out of your arse and realize this is a game. The fumes back there are weakening your brainpower.

4. Hey nice pic. Do you think you could help me get a sidekick?

No, but I have a battle oar with your name and the word “smack” on it. Yes, let’s ask the grumpy editor for urbos. Crikes.

3. Writing you next stupid article for the chronicles? I think i should write one as well. What do you think? Not much probably...

Grab an English grammar book and go for it. I feel threatened by no one. Especially if they are a sniveling ignorant changeling (I’m referring to you, by the way).

2. Not that I think you care.

Did you really consider that? Who brought the smart girl to the party? How many times did you have to read my saying I don’t care for it to finally register in your brain? Great epiphany. Now you can use your overworked mind to realize that Sacred_Apollyon is bad while MrAnderson is good.


This person has left the site. He hasn’t been missed. I see why. I have nothing to say. His stupidity speaks, no screams, for itself.

This Weeks Lesson:

If you don’t want to be made a fool of, then don’t write me. If you do write me, make sense.

The Masked Editor
Breaker: The Grumpy Casanova

Affy: *smiles* I’m glad you can take time out of your schedule Mijo to be interviewed by your Mamita.

Breaker: No problem, so will we be talking about my uppy, gitty spirit?

Affy: Hey, I'll ask the questions here! *giggles* Okay, first question. You've certainly been quiet around Urbanville. What have you been up to Mijo?

Breaker: Hmmm, mostly being grumpy at homeless people, rich people...everyone.

Affy: I'm not sure I'm happy with that Mijo. Speaking of which, how does it feel to have half of your family (your sister Surfer and I) on the opposite side? Is it hard to know that one day you just might have to fight us?

Breaker: Well it sucks to know you might have to fight your own family, I try to ignore it and hope it never happens.

Affy: Me too Mijo. Me too. Hey, what made you join this crazy family? I mean, Surfey didn't have a choice, but you did. Why?

Breaker: It annoyed me how people would beat up Surfey, so I thought if I could call her sis, I could defend her more, (I'm like that when I'm not biting you), and she thought it would be a better idea if I joined her family.


Affy: I noticed something in you Mijo. I noticed in your lair, you're starting to move away from being grumpy to being a Casanova. Is this true?

Breaker: I wouldn't say I'm moving away from being grumpy, but some ladies have come to me sad or lonely and wanting me to cheer them up.

Affy: Oh? And why would these ladies come to you?

Breaker: I don't know, maybe it's the puppy dog eyes, the bulging muscles, or sweet talking, something just attracts them to me like metal on a magnet.

Affy: *giggles* Some people might think that your sudden turn of smoothness comes from, well me, is that true?

Breaker: Hmm, although I'm not a blood relative, I would say some of your flirtatious behavior has rubbed off on me a bit.

Affy: How does it feel to work with the Leader of the Family (Sacred_Apollyon) only to come home and find him there too?

Breaker: Well, I wouldn't call it positively wonderful that my boss is living with my mother, but it's good to even out good and evil in the house.

Affy: Do you see Sacred as a father figure? Well just in case. You never know. *blush*

Breaker: A spider for a father.....I guess you could say that, since we have a family full of cats, and a Surfey has a father whose power is in his pants.

Affy: The power is in his pants...Sheesh. Changing the subject. Your grandfather is the leader of the new Vigi group. Your mother is the co-founder of the new Beatnik group. Your Auntie Tiggz is the second strongest person in Urbanville. How does it feel to be surrounded by this amount of success?

Breaker: Sometimes strange. I used to live in the jungle, now i'm in a family full of successful people. Then again, sometimes when I wake up and hey, i'm in a family full of people who kick butt.

Affy: Most young people would feel stifled by the success around them. Do you feel suffocated? How has joining a powerful yet divided family affected you?

Breaker: That's why i'm a Nomad, when I feel a little smothered; I sleep in the wilderness for a couple days, like the old days. Joining a family like that has it's ups and downs, when I have to fight my own family I keep quiet. But then I have homies on the other side who I can be grumpy around without being shut down.

Affy: Oh THAT's where you go! I almost put your picture on a carton of soy milk!!! Sheesh! Okay, final question mainly because I know how hard it is for you to sit still for a long period of time. Teenagers...But, How will you make your mark in Urbanville? In other words, when someone thinks of Breaker, what accomplishments do you hope will pop into their mind?

Breaker: Hmm, maybe something like this "Wow! Grumpy yet charming, maybe I can steal your persona", I already have most of that down so a matter of time will tell I guess...I think I hear some girls screaming out my name, I'll give them 5 minutes.

Affy: Oh but before you go! How about a hug for your Mamita. Or are you too cool for that now? Besides, *glares at the girls* I'm not sure I like them. *Unleashes her claws*

Breaker: I guess my very first public hug would be good right now, easy with the claws though.

*Snatches up Afro_Chic, and hugs her*

Now you can go crazy on those girls.

Affy: Who am I to prevent you from flirting? Go have fun while I say goodbye to the readers. *turns to the readers* That was mi hijo (or Mijo = my son) Breaker. Thanks for reading! Oh! And don’t forget, Beatniks (and their children) Do It Better!
Urbaniac Life
hey my new rap "Urbaniac Life" is coming out on july the 4th heres the rap

Yeah "Urbaniacs"is cool.
Dats true yea it does rule.
Even Tankgirl.
Shes cool with a swirl.
Now hey! theres Mucky.
His powers are good now dats lucky.
Youre gonna get a diss.
if u steal my BC kiss!
Hey Mayor DaMan!
Im your number one fan!
Diddoe he does a lot for us
Even though i dont know him hes like my cuz.
Kingz has got a lot of Blingz.
Hes got Necklaces.Bracelets all different things.
But hey!i left out Dazzy B.
Yea your right yea it is me.
Now out to u Urbaniacs fans. I hope you like it or you wont see a smile on me or Mayor DaMan!

>> Comics
Gossip Column

What funky junk is happening in Urbanville?? Juicyfruit or "Mama Love" is
here to tell you!! Perspiring minds want to know!!

(Please note…these are rumors NOT fact...but they could be dissing me because of my creative genius :P I am not here to protect the innocent hehe... Just telling it from my lil Juicy perspective.


If you are roaming around Urbaniac's late at night, be careful...Muckquaiker is going through a terrible TP addiction. lol He told me he has been "roaming from bridge to bridge to tunnel...beating up and stealing things to get a TP fixed"!! O_O lol Hang on to your TP's!! I have also recently heard though that he's just got a little sidekick who has been taking him to TP Anonymous so that he is doing better! haha...I wouldn't trust him just yet though…Doesn't even have a year of TP sobriety! O_O So if you see Muck under a bridge or in a tunnel...stay clear...and you might ask Slimer lol... He's been known to cruise the tunnels of the city...disappearing into the darkness and all... lol...Slimer might be able to tell you if Muck is doing okay lol


And of course who could forget, I was ... a week ago? URBANIAC OF THE DAY...yes...glorious lol And diddoe (didiliciousness) offered to take me out on the town O_O. But he couldn't pick me up until 9:00 pm. So I asked him why and he said that it was because he had other clients to take out?!?!? And that he wouldn't "CHARGE ME" O_O!!! LOL...diddoe must be running some kind of dating service?!?! lol I don't want to know! O_O I got my PG-rating reputation to worry about lol. So we went to Java Hut for some dinner and then to diddoe's crib and we danced all night :D He's a fabulous dancer. And of course the next day, I mention this to kissthis with diddoe right there and (she is so nosey lol) she asks...diddoe, you still have your dancing shoes on? What did you do all night? Diddoe being a gentlemen tells her that he cannot divulge anything...So basically what happens in diddoe's crib...stays in diddoe's crib! lol Hope I win Urbaniac Of The Day again one of these years hehe. Diddoe's crib is nice too...not like manutd's Roach Crib lol

All Natural:

In an assault with batista and Soul_Corruptor the other day and I tell you ...I could feel Soul's corruption penetrating my soul! O_O lol Then I asked him how he met Dzhelasi. I asked him, "Corruption, was DZ some kind of lawful good nun before she met you?" lol He said, "YES!!" lol So I blurt out…"batista you heard him say that"! Then batista says the he would keep his mouth shut unless I handed him some urboz. lol BUT then he told me later that he might not be able to remember cause of something that happened with him and some vampires lol (These men and their stories! LOL) I wanted to ask him, "What kind of mojo have you been drinkin? lol

Okay the beauty of this gossip is this. Notice the length of the story of Soul's description on how and who corrupted who versus Dzhelasi's description lol...ahh XX vs. XY factor hehe

Soul's version:

"My story and I am sticking with it. lol I took a sweet, innocent, pure, angelic, perfectly heroic H.A. member, and I corrupted her into a diva of darkness, the queen of evil, a perfect Family member. lol Ok maybe her story is better. lol"

(short 4-6 lines?)


Dzhelasi's version:

"Ok so here's the REAL story between me and Souls. I was new to Urbanville and was rustled into the Hustle Alliance since they seemed to grab up the new comers like vultures. From day one I knew that wasn't the crowd I wanted to roll with. They were just lame. I always had a mean streak and after some HA members proved their zero worth to me, a friend introduced me to the almighty Soul_Corruptor.

I figured, "Hey, can't hurt to hang around with the strongest man in Urbanville right?!"

One day I was attacked in the streets by some Henchies. (it was a total misunderstanding cuz now me and the henchies are cool peoples) Soul was there to help me out. In the midst of all the battling, he still managed to hurl a few flirty comments my way. I held my ground and without losing focus, I flirted back. Seems like that intrigued him. After the rumble with the henchies, Soul asked if I wanted to go get a Pizza.

Out of breath, I told him No thanx, I was watching my figure.

His reply was, He'd watch it for me, now let's go eat.

Can't say no to a Romeo like that now could I?

So we sat at Speedy's Java Hut and he eats like 3 pies. (I swear he can eat like a pitbull) LOL He mentioned that he wanted me to join his crew, The Family. I was skeptical at first but he swooned me into it yet again. (I'm a sucka for him, I know, I know...) Basically, he liked my style and definitely saw the evil in me. He wanted me to roll with him as his little Princess of Darkness. I agreed but I would settle for nothing less than Queen status.

So, he dragged me along with him wherever he went. And he's been wrapped around my finger and holds a special place in my tiny black heart ever since. He never corrupted me, just inspired me to the best evil I can be. He accents what I already possess."

ROFL... notice the length difference? And what a difference! LOL
>> Top Stories
A Change is Gonna Come...

Party people! Party people! Time to get funky! Time to get funky!

It's your boy! Scoop and I got sumthin' for ya...

I got this information while fixing the pipes in the Mayor's private bathroom. Do y'all know that homeboy has a seat warmer on his john? Saditty!

During my pipe fixing job while dressed like an overweight plumber with sexy butt cleavage, I found out that Ira and Synjen are workin' hard to bring some changes to our city.

Yeah, you hear that all the time, but cut them some slack, for realz! They are just two squirrels tryin' to get a nut in this world, while working full time jobs!

I'd like to see some of you complainers try to do this junk! Urbanville has been around for 2 years thanks to these two so only praise and props should be on every tongue out there because it could be worse:

We could lose Urbanville!!!!!

Oh lawd NO! That would break my heart, fo' shizzle!

So be patience, it's a funkalicious viture!

Sam Cooke once sang:

"A change is gonna come, oh yes it will."

Trust me, it will!

This is Scoop_McFanny saying:

If it's news and it's hot you can expect me to beat the others to the punch...AIGHT?!

Part six: Urbanville belongs to its people

- Everyone came! Daman did arrive at the scene but he was followed by each and every citizen that lived in Urbanville and trusted him enough with his or her life.

- How many people were there?

- Well, considering he won the elections with 98% you can imagine how dear he was! Nearly all the town was there. From young children to old men and women, everybody wanted to be part of this for that day was Urbanville's last stand.

- How did Goatfist react?

- Well I bet he was surprised but you could never really tell what his deranged mind could be thinking. One thing is for sure… he had waited for this moment a really long time! He lost interest to the heroes and approached Daman. The heroes, who were never the type to look at an opportunity and turn their back, quickly released Rackman cutting his ropes loose. The Goat and the Mayor was now face to face. Glowing eyes and cool sunglasses meeting one another in an encounter never before seen in history. Despite the huge number of people around, one could hardly hear its own breath. Complete silence as the two rivals stared at one another. The silence was broken by Goatfist who said “Luke, I’m your father”

- Grandpa!!!

- Em...sorry...wrong story. The one to break the silence was Rackman.

- What did he say?

- No more spam, no more spam! That’s all he could say… a weird after effect of the tortures he had endured. And then, the fist of the mighty Goat started to glow, a sigh that hell was about to break loose. Daman kept his poker face and did not move a single inch. He left himself completely open to the hit and as a result of this decision he was blasted into pieces!

- Oh no!

- Yes lad that’s what happened but a second before the fist found its target he had played his move. Daman used his winning smile and gave all the people who had gathered as witnesses what they didn’t have from the very beginning. The courage and determination to stand up for themselves. When the free people of Urbanville saw Daman smiling at them they knew right then and there what they had to do. They launched at Goatfist without a second thought and although most of them were unarmed they threw him down with ease. The heroes joined the mob, Rackman included, who was now furious yelling “NO MORE SPAM”. Moments later and there was nothing left of the once mighty Goatfist. What few henchlings remained fled in the sewers soon after the outcome of the battle. The calm after the storm found everyone sad. People were devastated by the fact it had to take the sacrifice of someone as unique as Daman for them to see they had the means to defend themselves all along. But the lesson was taught. From that point on, Urbanville and its people never let anyone terrorize them ever again. Be it an evil brat with the face of a baby obsessed by afro hair or a coward editor hiding behind masks the free people of Urbanville always stood their ground.

- What are you trying to say grandpa?
- That Urbanville belongs to the people and when someone realizes it and decides to be more responsible then …well let’s say it will be a much better place to live.

- Is this a real story?

- Kinda… well I mean names have been changed to protect the innocent and all but the meaning of the story is real, for that I ensure you.

- And what’s the meaning again?

- If you haven’t figured it out, then you’re not ready for it yet.

The End
Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge

Do I need to introduce this or do you already know?! It’s time for an update (Wha! Wha!) that’s right an update for...

Another Day in Urbanville: PC’s Revenge!

This week we learned about the Sassy Jungle Kitty’s second power of animal morphing!

Thanatos: Can anyone tell me what just happened here.

Also, Puncherjoe received a new mowhawk!

CrimsonKing: So, Sanjaya. Its ....acceptable to see you up and around. Thanks for all that help when dozens of White Laws were swarming all over us trying to hurt us.

Plus, the sidekicks are becoming a bit cranky!!!

The_Legal_Eagle: I'll put a safe bet on Preston. Affy fed him Training Passes like popcorn.

They even managed to come up with a new plan!

Love Child: Panties, you think you can pose like a GQ pretty boy?

I don’t think he can! A new law that looks like Barry White?!

Afro Law

The gang realizes that PC isn’t playing games!

Affy: You have made yourself the wrong enemy PC and we will get you for this! I will kick your butt and then write a poem about how I kicked your butt.

Even GoatFist made a cameo and talked to Iron_Pants!

Iron_Pants: Are you giving me... the... master's pep talk?

Uh, Flaming Bob?

Flaming Bob: Tah da da daaaaaah! Flaming Bob is here..... TODAY!

Never mind. It’s time to bring you back to another funk filled week of:

Another Day in Urbanville: PC’s Revenge!!!

Art work done by Iron_Pants.