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Issue 87

May 18, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Editorials
MrAnderson...The Biggest Joke

Look in the sky...
It's a bird...

It's a plane...

No...It's the know-it-all boyscout MrAnderson.

MrAnderson is a "man" who makes a better boyscout than the Hero he professes to be. To make matters worse he's the leader of the Hustle Alliance. I believe it's time for someone to pull out a dictionary and examine what it means to be a true leader.

A leader isn't someone who drops in once every 6 months, screams "Huuyaah Hustle," promises to update the ranks, and then disappear. If that's the case then he's the quintessential leader. Too bad for him and the Hustle Alliance this is not the case. Although, I must acknowledge that MrAnderson has done a lot of work to make the H.A. the best group in Urbanville. No wait; they aren't the best group in Urbanville. Do we even know who the members of the H.A. are? No I will not check the ranking lists! I want to know who the active members are and not just the ones who come on to press refresh 10 billion times for assaults. It seems to me that the H.A. is filled with children scattered to the four corners of the earth and the H.A. father is left wondering how is he going to reunite them; especially after "mother" left them to pursue her dirty hippie dreams.

MrAnderson, it's 10 o'clock, do you know where your Heroes are? Neither does anyone in Urbanville!

Oh stop MrAnderson, I already know what you are going to say, "It is an 'Alliance' meaning everyone runs it and no one is in charge!" That would make sense if there wasn't a Council! Aren't you the person who appoints the Council members? I don't see any of the lower Heroes saying, "I want this person on the Council!" As a matter of fact, I don't see any of the higher ranking members saying, "I'm going to join the Council because I can." I wonder if H.A. members, when out of their superhero costumes, walk around with shirts that have your picture and the words, "Not My Leader" because you are just as effective as some folks deem the current President of the United States.

(Oh I will receive a few urbograms about that sentence, I'm sure)

I was almost apprehensive about writing this article. Not because I expect MrAnderson to come crashing through my window, last week he came on, did his putrid yell and left, as usual. That means I have a couple of months before I receive a response for him, but the last time I wrote an article on the Hustle Alliance, no one responded. No one stood up for their own group, nothing. Yet I had weeks and weeks of unadulterated crap to go through when dealing with the Family and the Vigilantes. Personally, I believe it’s time for the “leader” of the Hustle Alliance to do something about this. Generate the troops, get them riled up, and point them towards the forums to do something! It’s simply pathetic when the two ditzy heads of the Funk ALT group have to drop their bongos and illegal substances to uphold the law against the Family.

The Hustle Alliance might as well give up their Hero calling and pursue other activities like beauty school, painting, cooking, I don’t know, finding your leader!

MrAnderson, it’s only cute when Waldo hides because it’s his job to force people to find him. Yet, when you do it, it’s call neglect!

Who has the number to an agency where you report neglect?

I have a phone call that I need to make.

The Masked Editor
New Epidemic Plagues Urbanville

Training passes, known on the streets of Urbanville as tp’s. We all love them. They make us stronger, let us live longer in battles, and power us up so we might hope to have a chance against the likes of the Mayor. As of late, though, there’s been a sudden surge of Urbaniacs willing to do anything for them. People are dissing when they don’t make it to battles on time, others are selling their bodies (or parts of their bodies) to a greasy pawn shop owner, just so they might afford a training pass or a new body that’s been trained a little more. It’s not just a happy trend. No, this is dangerous! There are people on Urbaniacs who just can’t leave the site in hope of getting invited to that one battle that might give them their beloved training pass. Just last week we had a group of Urbanville’s finest ladies break into the Mayors office to try and steal some tp’s. If we don’t take care of this problem soon, who knows what might happen next! What will it take to wean these junkies off of the training pass? New gear? More urbos? A wedgie? We may never know.

Almost a junkie myself,
>> Top Stories
The Vampires of Urbaniacs are back :)

Caution: Don’t Provoke Us, We BITE !!!! :D

Here are some facts of us Urbaniac Underworld members, so you can separate the facts about Urbanville Vampires to the lies told on the talking tube box.. :D

*We do not die in sunlight, merely weakened

*We must drink blood to live, but we do not need to drink everyday

*Some receive the gift of talking to spiders

* Some kind of lethargic reaction to onions/garlic, but cannot be killed by onions

* Not affected by garlic, crosses, or silver

*Can not be killed with wooden stake

*Cannot be half werewolf. Half human, half wolf yes, but not half werewolf...

*Do not age physically, age at a 1/10 rate -Every ten years, grow one year physically

*Can read/pass thoughts between other vampires

*Quicker than human, speed/agility

*Can smell, hear, see better than humans

*Hair grows back overnight of cut...

*Sleep in coffins for traveling/comfort, newly blooded might prefer beds..

*Cannot become bats, but can fly/levitate

*Have slight magic; to gain more must study old magic books to gain wisdom...But can do simple spells

*great battling skills

*Assault gods XD

* Loves oreozz (ok only this vampire :D)

Hope you learned a valuable lesson about us Urbanville Vamps because we are coming back, learn about us and respect us...we will be here a while... :D

Watch out, we bite!
The Greatest Interveiw.

Puncherjoe: I felt like interviewing you. So I"m going to.... if the claws have something different to say.

Afro_Chic: Hey you don't have to worry about my claws. Unless you're going to disrespect me. Then you should worry! *giggles*

PJ: Yeah. So, you've been known as the Mistress of funk. You don't use the title any more. what's up with that?

AC: I, along with a few others, still mention the title every now and then.But in a way it's been shortened. For example, Love_Child just calls me Funk. Sometimes you don't need a title for folks to know that you're funky. I will ALWAYS be the Mistress of Funk, don't get it twisted, but it doesn't have to be paraded around. I am Funk and Funk is me. I'm funky 24-7. I'm still funky after all these years. And I am forever keepin' it funky!*smiles*
Who needs a title when your name has become synonymous with the characteristic? *winks*

PJ: Yeah, like I'm synonymous with Punching... look *Punches Henchling*

Ok, so We have to get to the one question.

AC: *smirks* And that question would be?

PJ: Iron or SA?

AC: Although he's being a complete arse at the moment and I feel like clawing him at times...I'm with Sacred. *smiles*

PJ: Why? He kidnapped you.

AC: Look PJ. I know that you want me to end up with Iron. You made that clear from the beginning. But I guess since it's been on everyone's mind, it's time to talk about it. Sure, he kidnapped me, tried to turn me into a Villain, but it didn't work. And he still has the scars from my revenge, but a few months after he apologized. I forgave him and we became friends again. Remember, Sacred and I were good friends before the kidnapping. We were always flirting in the Coffee Hut. So after I forgave him, he started to pursue me, we started dating and got engaged. Yes, I know I left him for Iron, but Iron only wants me when I'm not with him. Who needs that? I don't.

So now Sacred and I are dating. Who knows how far it will go. I'm put pushing anything, neither is he. I'm busy with Funk ALT and he has The Family. The only one who is pushing us together is Love_Child. *giggles* I think she wants us to get married and have kids, starting tomorrow. *winks* Sheesh!

PJ: As many times as you've been pursued to join the family why not start now?

AC: One can't go against their true nature, PJ. It's like the time when I went on a flirting fast. My nature is one that loves to flirt, be artistic, and very heroic. Being in The Family would be a travesty for me! And besides, there are a few people in The Family who wouldn't want me there. If I joined it would only be to annoy them and that's not right. *giggles*

PJ: You're like a celebrity. Most celebrities have haters, what do you say to yours?

AC: You know, I never set out to become a celebrity. It just sorta happened. But to my "haters" I say:

You are a small number of people, whether you want to recognize that or not. You think about me more than I think about you. I'm not sure if you're hating because I've done something to you or if you just woke up one day and decided that this was your only option, but how about you man up (or woman up if you're a feminist) and bring your beef to me. For every hateful message or urbogram I receive, 3-5 people write me to tell me how cool I am, those people rock my world and my senses. :-)

That was the sweet version. The jerky version screams:


I tend to keep the version quiet.

PJ: So what can you tell us about your "Relationship" with OGRE?

AC: Hmmm...You use quotations...Why is that?

PJ: Cuz it's fun. But really, what can you tell us?

AC: OGRE is Mi Hermoso. We're friends, good friends. We really don't like battling each other. One time I really had not choice but to take him out, my other teammates couldn't handle it and he gave me the WORSE guilt trip ever! *giggles*

PJ: What can you tell us about Funk-Ahh-Delic ?

AC: Well PJ *giggles* The Beatniks have always needed their own group. After we were forced to change our dispositions in order to partake in assaults, we were scattered. So my gorgeous and artistically talented friend, Love_Child, and I decided that it was time to organize ourselves and bring together a group of folks who would be dedicated to keeping the arts alive in Urbanville. I love the name. It was created to sound refreshing because that's how we wanted the group to be.

Funk-Ahh-Delic ALT is here to stay...Even if Love and I end up being the only members in it, which will never happen because our members are dedicated to the cause! *smiles*

PJ: Any plans to star in a movie?

AC: Nah! I have 2 kids to take care of. A group to run with one of my Sistas in Sass. I'm still part of the Hustle Alliance. Then I have my own poetry and artistic things to drop. Not to mention my flirting! Who has the time? Besides, then I would have to wear makeup and I'm not down to wear that. But if there is talk about doing a movie on me, make sure that they find Cree Summers to play me. She used to be Freddie on this show called "A Different World." *winks*

PJ: Almost done now. Pie or Cake. You'd best pick the right one *Evil eye (not the super power)*

AC: Hmmm...

Although I like cake's cakey goodness...

I'ma hafta go with pie. Especially sweet potato pie! I can make a mean sweet potato pie! Put that eye away! *sticks out tongue*

PJ: Ok, ok. Just wanted to do that.
If you could flirt with anyone Urb, right now, who punches things who would it be?

AC: Someone who punches things?

*gently kisses PJ's cheek*

You of course you sweet thang you! *winks*

PJ: Whoo! Well This is Puncherjoe & that was AC saying See ya when I see ya.
Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge

Last time on “Another Day In Urbanville: PC’s Revenge: Thanatos tried to wake Puncherjoe up!

Thanatos: Didn't work.

And Crimson got a new hairdo!

CrimsonKing: MrAnderson seemed to have it in his twisted head that it was okay for him to do this to me!

The Gang said goodbye to MrAnderson and went to go visit the Masked_Editor

Masked_Editor: Why are you fools here? I'm busy. I don't have time to talk to a pink headed fool, an iron clad ninny, a Richard Simmons looking idiot, and you Afro_Chic, I would say sometime smart but I know about your anger issues. I don't want you tearing up my office.

Will this group FINALLY get along?

Iron_Pants: Okay that's IT!

Or Will Love and Affy continue to hinder the group thanks to their love of the musical arts?

Love_Child: Shhhhh! I'm trying to watch the show!

*whispers*Stay tuned! Who knows? The Pictures Love took of the Villains crossing the street just MIGHT make the front page of the Chronicles!

Or maybe not. I now return you to "Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge!!!!"

Art work done by Iron_Pants.

NOTE: This picture is supposed to look like a newspaper article. It does not mean that Iron was too lazy to color in the picture.
>> Comics
Gossip Column

What funky junk is happening in Urbanville?? Juicyfruit or "Mama Love" is
here to tell you!! Perspiring minds want to know!!

(Please note…these are rumors NOT fact...but they could be dissing me because of my creative genius :P I am not here to protect the innocent hehe... Just telling it from my lil Juicy perspective.

Not From Concentrate:

Wow, this Goatfist Mayhem day has really brought the evil out of Goatfist - rumor has it that he is spreading the word that the Mayor is not a Nomad or a Beatnik. He said that Mayor Da Man was just a Cube Dude!! Can you dig it?!?! And that Da Man is a just a Pointdexter who listens to... I can barely say it... country music! You are gonna get yours Goatfist!!! (I still think Mayor Da Man is Howie Mandell in disguise *wink* he is so chic!! What a fabu dresser!) Jealous old goat!

Unleash the Power of the Sun:

Hey... I heard that Blondiexpress and Washer_Woman are running a Blondi Spa and Resort Express in the back room of her lair! No weak Shiatsu here...She's got a special Rip Tide that will make your skin feel dreamy! Washer_Woman (I like to call her Wonder Woman, because of her fabu hands!) will give you a nice Ice Scream to ease soothing muscles and frayed nerves. Grizzlefish was there for his treatment. Took about 20 years of grizzle off his face! He never looked so good! As for prices, you are gonna have to work that work that out with Bazookaman. He can offer you a fair price and don’t try to get away without a nice tip or Bazookaman will send you off with a Multiplicity that will leave you with fiery balls!

Simply Unfooled Around With:

Was just in a recent battle with Mr. GoldGym and Sacred_Apollyon. Sacred was giving Gold a hard time calling him Goldie Locks...well... I just had to have a look cause I already call GoldGym, Mr. Biceps (purr), so I looked under his hat and O_O!!!?!?!? He had this gorgeous head of golden locks!! I gasped; I swooned! I fainted! I finally picked myself up off the ground...Now I call him the Adonis!! Every time I see him my Juicyfruit gets all kind of weak and all... Lol I think Sacred is a little jealous! hehe
Beatnik Word of the Week

This is for any square looking to learn the lingo of the Beatnik. This Chirp will be your guide through this psychedelic culture daddyo! No need to be afraid, I promise you a killer diller!

Beatniks Do It Better,

Afro_Chic *winks*

"Bust your conk"

(verb) - to apply yourself diligently, break your neck.

"Baby, if the Wall of Heroes is what you want, you need to bust your conk to make it, man!"
How I Became A Liger

First of all I was a human until a wizard in my room while I was getting dressed. Than I had to do a task which was I had to keep my room clean because it was always a mess. Then he said,” If you do not I will turn you in to a liger." Then I said," Ok." Then he vanished in thin air. So every day after that he came back to check on my room. Then on the last day I had so much homework that I forgot all about it then he turned me in to a liger. I became a liger in 1996. So from that day on I became a half tiger and half lion. That is how I became a liger.