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Issue 86

May 6, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Editorials

I received this hideous urbogram. I wasted 1 minute of my life on it so I decided to make it the topic of my editorial this week because it's so senseless. To the person who wrote it to me, once you read my response, let me know how it feels to be known as an idiot.

To: Masked_Editor
From: A Massive Tool (No not you TheThing, this person is worse than you, if that’s possible)
Received: 2007-05-10 08:35:10
Subject: I don't expect u to read this.....or to get to the bottom.

I'm not stupid...I can tell you're smart

...But arrogant punks like you are the causes of war.

Adolf Hitler-hated and turned an entire army against them because he thought that his race was better

Osama Bin Laden-believes that his race and religion is supreme and is one of the largest terrorists on the infinitesimal speck of a planet in the oh so large universe

Napoleon Bonaparte-Conquered most of Eastern Europe because he was arrogant and thought the French should rule the world.

However, this urbogram isn't about you and racism

It's about you thinking that you are better and deserve more.

This is an online community, You're right, there's nothing anybody except the mayor can do, but nobody wants you around...and, from the way you write and the feeling of disgust and hate I get from it, you're just a little kid who thinks he's smarter than you really are.


My turn:


The next time you give someone your unsolicited opinion first get to the point. I nearly fell asleep before I reached your anticlimactic ending! If you want a little historical lesson sit back and listen to this one. I like to call it “Those who fail to learn from the past, are doomed to repeat it.”

This means, you failed to learn from what happens to others when they write into me. I’m thoroughly disgusted that you would clutter your message with images of the most horrible men in the world! I’m not trying to cause a war, you nerd, I’m trying to get everyone off of their backsides because this town is filled with folks pledging their allegiances to good or evil!

You are probably one of the few who loves the status quo in this town but you know what happens when a town is riddled with status quo? PEOPLE LEAVE and that has been the case in Urbanville! So before you point your finger at me and say in your geeky voice, “You are the bad guy,” take a look at some of the crap that’s happening around you!

What bothers me the most is the fact that you opened your letter trying to sound smart. Real smart people don’t have to try too hard. I could go on and on about your opinion of me but I won’t. In closing I would like to say, “If having friends mean having people like you around me, then I would rather be alone!” Hey you foolish twit, look at my props. I have some, so that means that some folks like me. Some have started reading the Chronicles because of me. Who looks forward to seeing you? I for one do not.

The Masked Editor

Gossip Column

What funky junk is happening in Urbanville?? Juicyfruit or "Mama Love" is
here to tell you!! Perspiring minds want to know!!

(Please note..these are rumors NOT fact..but they could be dissing me because of my creative genius :P I am not here to protect the innocent hehe... Just telling it from my lil Juicy perspective.

Fresh Squeezed:

Wow, I received an assault call from Maggot and when I showed up....there he was with nothing on but his Super Mesh Hose, Super Boots and his trunk
hanging out! lol Noodles and Sir_Rabbit were there too and they were gonna
try and leave way...I grabbed Rabbit by his lucky bunny foot and
Noodles by her...ummm...noodles (lol) cause there was no way I was gonna be
left by myself with such villainous manliness!. I couldn't tell if Maggot
was getting ready for a WWF wrestling showdown or trying out for the Mr.
Urbaniac's Universe contest! He said he did it for me :D hehe lol. So I
figured he was going for the Mr. Universe contest (he is the King of the
Villains after all) so I was slathering body oil on him and I noticed that
he had no love handles around his waist!! How does he do it? ...Well I
know that Lilly Larva (the love of his life) makes him country fried steak,
with mashed potatoes and gravy!?!?! O_O (droolz). Yep he's slim and trim
and then I got depressed cause his booty looked better in his Super Mesh
Hose then I did in my Super Mesh Hose!!...Okay, it's back to the gym with my personal trainer OGRE... senor!! Where are you? lol

No Preservatives:

Rumor has it that some girl is saying that Isomaniac is a foreign child
prodigy!??! lol Then Iso said that he likes to keep his head shaved O_O!!! Then Simbob said, "Isomaniac must be a Shaolin monk living somewhere in the West Coast!" hehe So I guess if you need some Shaolin training or answers to life's big questions...Ask Isomaniac! lol

Fortified with Vitamin C:

Okay....Someone is stealing my OREOZ from my mini-fridge on the moon! Now, there is only one OREOZ hound that I know of...And that is RUSHBOY! So, I confronted him, right there in front of Officer Black and Blue Love_Child (have you seen her in recent rags - nice!!! KISSTHIS thinks she looks like one big bruise lol, but I think Love looks sharp!!). ...anyway...OGRE was there too and so I accused RUSHBOY...And he said that it was Jaws Jr.!! I didn't see any crumbs floating around in JJ's fishbowl, so I demanded that Officer Love Child search RUSH... so she did a couple *frisk frisk* on RUSH...But all RUSHBOY would say was..."He he!!!" He's so devious! I know it is him. One day I will catch him!
>> Ask Handsome
The Hate Debate

Dear Handsome,

What's the deal with all the hate in Urbanville? Can't we all just get along? What do you suggest we do? Will we be able to get rid of it?

Please help us!

Haters Need Not Apply

Dear Haters Need Not Apply,

Even ol' Handsome has noticed the hating happening in Urbanville and once again my Handsome heart is hurting. All this hating kills my black book because the Ladies don't like getting up close and personal when they are mad. Something needs to happen or else Handsome isn't going to be a happy Beatnik. Handsome has needs too you know. Handsome likes to be held. Handsome likes to be doted on. Where is Handsome's love? Where is Handsome's special treatment? Where are Handsome's Ladies?

Forgive Handsome, this article isn't about me, though this topic affects me. Ladies if you feel the nibble of the green eyed monster, stop by Handsome's lair and I will make you feel like the queen of the world! I think all the men need to stop fighting and get to loving those Ladies!

Matter of fact, keep fighting fellas, I'll handle your Ladies myself. I already got my eyes on Tiger_Eyes, JuicyFruit, Affy, Blondiexpress, Love, SydneyAlice, as well as a few more of you luscious Ladies out there.

Sacred if you aren't careful, I'll steal your Lady and I'm not old rusty Iron_Pants. You'll never get her back. So continue to make the same mistakes that most of the fellas in here and one day you'll come home to a "Dear Sacred" letter. Handsome don't make threats homie. He makes promises!

If you need to cure hate, do it through sweet sweet luvin'! I noticed most of the hatred lies within or it's pointed the Ladies. If you are hating on a Lady, cut that out. That makes ol' Handsome see RED! In addition the Ladies wouldn't be hatin' on each other if the fellas were handlin' their bidness. If you can't handle your life and your Lady, give her to Handsome and I'll put a smile on her face (and keep it there)!

Whose your daddy? That's right, I am! (Say it loud and proud Ladies!)

Handsome U. Whantme

Disclaimer: Handsome U. Whantme is NOT a licensed psychologist! He's just a man who has too much time on his hands and advice to hand out. If you want to write him, send all questions to [email protected]. Make sure that you put "Ask Handsome" in the subject field.
>> Sports
football/soccor is back :)

oh man! what a competition!

we have 4 big guns chasing that title so they can hold it up high and be proud.

aaaaaand rub it in the other teams face, hehe.

anyway here are the teams:

first we have the "Funkeh team"! including:
afrolicious, mighty cowboy and moochooo!
come on! we have a great finger and a fantastic thumb all in one team! lets not forget the raging bull!!!!! will these advantages help??

The second team! "Raging water" the players in this team are!:
freaky sneaky!! mighty vixen! and terrible erratic bloke!
wow man! these lot have the rain, the 7 seas and ice on there side? wooowey!

now the third team! "scratching beauties" *laughs* hehe. this team includes the following players:
elephantic! blast off captain! annnnnnnnd the sassy jungle kitten!
omg man! where going to have to buy looooads of deodorants! and lots of plasters! those scratches can hurt!

and now finally! the favorites of this year!!!!!!! "the winning guys!"
we have!!:
lunar! tricky kicky and super speedy!
we have mega speed and mega power! these are the favorites for this year! but.. anything can happen in soccer (football)

these matches will be rush keepers. that means anyone who is in the box (area of where the goalie stands) can save the ball.

watch out for next week at 2pm!
MEGA SUNDAY! all teams will face off. each team will play 2 matches until they qualify for the finals!
*calls for the hat with the team names in them*
*picks a paper* its the funks!
the funks will play......
*picks another* raging water!!!

funks vs RW
winning guys vs scratching beauties

the winners of funks match will play the loser of winning guys match. and vice versa. remember! MEGA SUNDAY Live!

these matches can be viewed on:
urb sports
sports TV

>> Business
r_r skate team

I know that there aren't many of my friends that can see this, but if you don't already known this, in forums, under role playing, you well see this "r_r SKATE TEAM". This is a team that will help me make a video.

The video is going to be about is skateboarding, not only skateboarding but anything with skateboarding. If you draw a picture of like an Urbaniac skating or something with skateboarding and Urbaniacs, I'll most likely add it to my video. Say you make a quick video of you skating, I'll definitely add it to the video, cuz it is a skateboarding video, and there has to be something other then pictures and all that other stuff.

If your not sure if something is going to work send me a message and I'll see what we can work out or do, I mean it is going to be the very 1st skate video ever in Urbaniacs, and if it's the 1st you always want it to be good so that other people well want more.

So, if you have anything that you want in, send me a message and I'll put it in, but it has to be Urbaniacs and skateboarding related. If you want something in it, but can't think of anything, look for something or just send me a message and I can think of something for you.

Oh and also don't thing that if your going to do something and people not knowing you did it, cuz I'll edit to where people can see and all that.

Hope you can help out and have fun!!

>> Top Stories
My Run In With Johnny Law

One lone dark night, I was walking down the dark alleys of Urbanville...I was walking silently, stalking my prey of newbie Hero that was just at the wrong place at the wrong time...He was supposed to be my next victim, I hadn’t had a drink in a while, when all of a sudden, out of a dark corner, steps Johnny Law. See I had some skeletons in the closet with Johnny. We go way back, when I was new in town, visiting my grandma and he kept helping her across the street. He didn’t care that her granddaughter was right there, but he just ignored me and crossed her while I was still on the other side of the street, being too much of a little tot to be brave enough to cross myself.

So, I’m standing in the dark alley as I watch my newbie victim continue walk down the street and get away, I turn towards Johnny and give him a wicked smile and say as cool as a Beatnik, “Hey." Johnny smiles back and attempts to make small talk, “How’s your grandma?” I make a face and as he tries to scratch his head I hit him with a hard Space Out, but he wasn't stunned...He chunks his friggin' filing papers at me and got me on minutia for a couple rounds but my fairly faithful sidekick, Changa, the Urbo Gato, jumped on him, overpowered him, and caused him to fall down the ground. Changa then goes crazy, scratching his face, and practically clawing his eyeballs out. I get up from my nasty fall and brush file work off my rainbow cape. I got paper cuts all over me but I was all good. I called Changa off of him and hit him with a blow from Ms. Mace...He screamed like a baby but his voice gets fainter and fainter as he slowly disappears from the alley, fading in the surroundings. I got up and slowly limp on, looking for that one newbie again. As I walk by where poor Johnny laid, I turn and flash a cute smile, “That’s for leaving me on the other side of the street!" I flew up to the top of the buildings and searched for my prey...That Johnny Law isn’t messing with me anymore...I pat Changa on the head and we continue our search...
Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge

Here's a quick update: There is a strange woman with a clipboard in Urbanville!!

Puncherjoe's Clone: Hey! Who are you? What's with the clipboard?

And our little group just got their first taste of combat!

CrimsonKing: Excellent. Violence. Combat. Anything other than watching a char, dressed in drag, and singing show tunes in a falsetto.

They even secured themselves a new Hippiemobile!!!

Affy: I told you, it's the BEATNIKMOBILE! Don't make me come back there.

Oh! Sorry! Will the group survive Love's driving?

Love and Affy in the Beatnikmobile

Or will the New Laws teach them that the only way they can win is to get down and dirty?

Paolo: Mr Chips, stop [flinging his poo]! How much did you have to eat anyway? Sheesh! Go wash your hands!

Stay tuned! Who knows? CrimsonKing just MIGHT love his new hair color and perm!

MrAnderson: Oh he's going to look FABULOUS!

Oh Dear. Anyways, keep reading "Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge!!!!"

Art work done by Iron_Pants