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Issue 85

May 5, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Editorials
El Cinco de Ma*yawn*

El Cinco de Mayhem came, my avie got goated, I ate a sandwich...

Dim-witted Villains, lead by the biggest brain dead degenerate in the world (DudeMan) spammed their way through the threads.

I laughed myself to sleep. The wiser Villains were embarrassed, that’s why you didn’t see them. The Goat asked for mayhem, instead he was given kindergarten antics.

Now the city is riddled with spam. I hope the mods keep it there so that tiny group can be reminded about how dense they really are.

I and everyone else in Urbanville are laughing at you imbeciles. Thanks for the mayhem. This article has been chemically softened 'cause I generally don't like to pick on slow children.

The Masked Editor

Take it up a Notch

As of late, I, Puncherjoe, have been taking a more laid back approach to villainy, unless bashing The Masked Editor is involved, then I'm in. Now, as I sit back & watch the so called "Heroes" (& I'm not talking about an Invincible Cheerleader) I can't help but feel pity. Back when I was a Hero, we didn't need to take ideas from The Family. We came up with our own ideas & we mentally & psychically fought them. Now-a-days a "Heroes" idea of mentally fighting is going "Goatfist... more like...goat...guy. LoL!". And don't get me started on the physical. Oh, & where have all your power players gone? Go ahead. Try & name a few. I'll wait........ Got em? Ok, I'll name one member of the family. Soul_Corruptor. Now, I don't want to have this conversation again. C'mon, take it up a notch. Though the villains will still beat you.

This is Puncherjoe saying see you when I see you. & let's Hope I see the Heroes as they were a long, long, long time ago. This is too sad fighting them as they are now.

Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge

Last we left our little group, they were hanging out at the Tiki Lounge.

TLE: Here I am in Hippie Ville with my arch-nemesis and her silly friend who had nothing better else to do but dye her hair pink.

Who is behind the insanity in Urbanville?

CrimsonKing: I would think it makes sense that you 2 are the patient Zeros. You are carriers of some Beatnik gene mutation, and you have infected the town.

How will they find out the culprit?

Iron: Before anyone does that, I'm going to suggest some actual detective work. Y'know, DETECTIVE WORK?

Will they survive long enough to solve this caper? Or will they kill each other first?

Affy: That Jeff needs to be put on igg or else I'll have him laying some iron.

What did she just say?!

Preston: It's an insult.

Find out more by reading "Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge!!!!"

Masked editor or masked fool?

Wow you don't want to know how many times I laughed during reading your incoherent dribble that you call an article. Lets start off with the basics, (I don't want you asking for help with reading this early into my message). You keep droning on about "choose a side any side." What I ask you is, whats your side? Seriously I mean you insult everyone, so why don't you PICK A SIDE, ANY SIDE? Because your not worth my time and effort I cannot be bothered to tell you what I believe what a vigilante is so just take a look here:

Just for you here's the instructions, move your cursor (the arrow looking object on your screen) and click at either the beginning or end of the link, then while holding the left button down you drag the cursor (same object as before) to the other end so that it's highlighted. Then after that hold down the control button (it says Ctrl on it) and press the C key. This copies the writing. The you go onto your task bar (the bar at the top of the screen) and hold in control again and press the P button. That pastes the writing into the task bar for you! Then all you do is click enter and the computer takes you to the page. OK? I know this is complicated for you but if you do it just like I ask then with your brain capacity you may do on your 3rd attempt if your lucky.

OK, next point. You say we're nothing. Lets see here:

We have the best training academy around and are constantly growing.

On our active members list we have 49 members (plus we haven't updated for a week or so but I think its more like 55 now) *looks at family list and sees 27 names listed* oh and then *looks at HA's and sees mainly in-actives*

Also, I want to address this confused nincompoops, I mean I think you're confused. Your obviously a bloke but you carry a battle oar, are you wanting to be a woman so badly that you have to go dress/equip like a woman? Also why do you have a hanker chief for a scarf that looks like fruitcake made it?

Next point you say we back Heroes or Villains depending on the situation. The way I see it we back ourselves and each other. I don't back either Hero or Villain, I back people, not disposition. I mean did you write all this from a text book because you obviously haven't looked into how we act, you just sit there going "oooh a vigi, I'm not good enough to grace their doorsteps lets sit here with a dictionary and Thesaurus and type bad things about them". Come on I mean seriously who are you to judge? do you know how many times you've described yourself and the way you act in your article? confused, fence sitting, naming fools, talking out of arses etc.

Another thing, you say we don't fight? If I'm not mistaken (and trust me I'm not) we created Vigi Fight Night. Guess what happens there? We fight, OMG it's a shocker I know (there may be some sarcasm in that sentence just a hint for a slow person such as yourself).

In your ad you say we don't fight when arguments erupt? If you do some research you would of found that when someone tried to start on the vigi's we got accused of ganging up on them. Well I can't help it. I mean when there is dozens of dedicated and loyal members they tend to stand up for their group. I like this saying and seems to fit quite well here "if you walk into the dragons den, you're going to get burned".

OK next point. YOUR calling diddoe a fool? I mean your sitting there with your idiotic ramblings trying to play the big man (compensating for other matters in life I guess) well trust me, your act isn't working. We can all see the scared little boy playing with Barbie dolls just trying to get out. It's unhealthy to keep it all inside of you, you know. Just let it out, someone may even accept you for who you are that way. Well if your lucky........really lucky......

I can only think of one thing you ever said that I thought slightly amusing as that was an analogy you used "waste taking a crap and making more crap". So since that's what your advertisement is like I thought I'd create one worth publishing.

WANTED: Looking for an educated and sophisticated individual who can write articles worth reading. They must be able to do good background reading and write their articles with proven fact and not fools opinion. After the state of the current editors writing anyone over the age of 8 can apply. Please contact us a [email protected]. Scratch that, anyone please just come and run things properly......anyone?.....PLEASE!

>> Comics
Thicker Than Blood: Wereville, Pt. 3

Did you miss part 1 and 2? Well check out Wereville's story by going to his page and clicking "Chronicles."

Wereville’s muddy eyes took in the stark, white ceiling with its dim light humming above him, pulsating against the stinging mist. A solid chill pricked him all along his naked back like a bed of moving nails. Tired muscles struggled to sit up, trying to shake off the weight of the room; but he found a band of frozen metal pinning his chest to the unyielding table. Further testing of his bonds, revealed two more bands pinning his legs and feet in a tight embrace. Fear sprang into life instinctively, shoving blood in sloshed rivers through his stiff limbs. The numbing rush of life forced thought. Tangled pictures formed behind un-seeing eyes, painting a washed out scene of his last memory. He fumbled with the blurry images. The memory of scent proved his strongest link to solidifying his thoughts. The rotten scent of the Henchlings hammered his mind, creating a sick taste in his dry mouth. Those disgusting scents led him to a strange memory. A human trace ghosted across his mind, leading him to the raw loss of Caleb. The sight of his faithful sidekick being ripped apart was seared into his every frantic heartbeat.

A shallow scream escaped his throat as the fragments were jammed into place. He remembered that night in a train wreck of thought and scent. Every ounce of strength went into raging against the metallic bonds. After what seemed like hours, he lay silent, panting against the cold.

“What do we have here?” The flat voice was followed by the scratching of a dull pencil.

“He shouldn’t be awake, Dr. Malis.”

The second voice was feminine and hidden from his limited vision, but it seemed nice compared to the voice escaping from those cracked lips. Dr. Malis was leaning close, unafraid of the bound patient and eyeing him past thick slabs of glass.

“Prepare a dose of the new compound. This one won’t wake again.”

“And his partner?”

“We’ll keep her on the normal dosage for now. If this one dies, she’ll be assigned to the next full-moon catch.” A brittle laugh escaped the seemingly harmless doctor with his white hair bound in a long ponytail.

With the voices pounding his dull senses, Wereville was able to get a death grip on his thoughts. He felt odd.. It wasn’t the fear trying to claw a way out of his pounding chest. No, he felt different. For all its pounding, he felt as if his heart had been ripped from his chest. He felt weak. It wasn’t the weakness of hunger or loss of blood-life. Yet it was loss, a loss that he had never felt.

“No use struggling. There is no escape.”

Something seemed familiar about the woman leaning over him with a wicked looking syringe in hand. Maybe it was her calming voice, or the seemingly-sincere smile that crossed her face. Maybe it was the pain of the needle piercing his skin. It could have been the rush of life that flooded his veins, pouring into his limbs and sending him into a frenzy. It wasn’t even the return of his curse. No, it was...


Even as her name escaped his lips, his fangs returned. He was complete once more. His beloved friend and ally had returned his wild powers, and they returned at his command. The transformation began within a heartbeat, giving him the brute strength to bend back the metallic bands with little effort. As he looked for her, he saw the powerful vampire fighting fang and fist against a swarm of white-coated doctors and towering guards in black uniforms. It would still take some effort to break the bands. Could he reach her in time?

The question drove Wereville into a fury of action. As he tore through the last restraint, he noticed row upon row of sleepers that he knew to be werewolves and vampires on beds of cold metal. What was going on here? The unanswered question drove him to leap into the madness.

They had to succeed. The stakes were too high.

Gossip Column

What funky junk is happening in Urbanville?? Juicyfruit or "Mama Love" is
here to tell you!! Perspiring minds want to know!!

(Please note..these are rumors NOT fact..but they could be dissing me because of my creative genius :P I am not here to protect the innocent hehe... Just telling it from my lil Juicy perspective:

Da Juice:

Okay Crazy_azn_bd_lover is talking smack about Mucky, that he never washes,
but then again Jenny likes her men musky and mucky, according to Muckquaiker. I guess Jenny Law digs that whole cowboy scene O_O...Last I
heard she asked Muck to tie her up but..This is a PG rated gossip column so
I cant go into all the details! LOL Perhaps Crazy is just jealous?!??! LOL

Still Thirsty?

Hey Love_Child got a man's bottom!! Now she gets to stand up and peeeeee!!!
LUCKY!! :( I should have have had taken Vixen's head and Cowboys legs and
then I could have peed in crater #4 with her on the moon!! :( LOL But I
HAD to be vain and go for the good looking cowboy face! LOL

SSShhhh this is a secret!! O_O

The girls (dark_ang3L, kissthis, Dzhelasi and I have noticed that there have been no TPs at this Saturday) so I have a plan:

We should break into Mayor DaMan's TP printing press!!!! YAHOOO!!! I got
the camoflauge clothes and black stuff for our faces (don't worry kiss I will have plenty of makeup remover cream lol)...

*plays the Mission Impossible music in the back ground*

I've got the arsenic pills just in case we are caught... lol They will never take us alive! lol We've got to go to the source, instead of waiting for his majesty to turn on the TP printing press and letting the few amounts of TPs fall upon our weary little brows; we are going to take over!! This will be a like a coup!! We can rule Urbaniacs! Wait, Darkness made an excellent suggestion, we are gonna dress up like Maggot or other Villains so peeps will think it is them if we get caught (genius!!! lol); DZ can be our lookout and freeze or riptide anyone who comes in our way (cause she is a true villain hehe), kissthis will catch any wandering XY's and keep them occupied with her good looks, Darkness will break open any combination locks and doors we come into, and I will run the printing press and printout boat loads of TPs and then the girls will lock the doors behind them and change all the locks!!! Weeeee!!! TPs will be pouring out! O_O LOL ... Hehe

>> Business
Join The H.U.S.T.L.E Alliance

Do you think you have what it takes to fight Goat_Fist, then join the H.U.S.T.L.E Alliance.

Make heroic homeys and save the day from evil.

If you are interested in joining, join at the Local H.U.S.T.L.E Alliance sign list.

This has been an Official H.A. Advertisement.
Senator_Urbaniac Chief of H.A. Recruitment office.

>> Top Stories
New Map In Urbanville

W'zup Urbanville?

It's your boy Scoop here and you know I have da scoop for you fine homettes and homies!

This past week, I was "cleaning" the Mayor's office, dressed up as a hot red head when my eyes glanced at his desk. Looks like ol' Urbanville is getting a new map! Didja hear me? URBANVILLE IS GETTING A NEW MAP!

Keep your eyes opened and be prepared to be amazed! Oh yea, I also read that a certain someone has celebrated his birthday recently! I can't say his name but if you just so happen to see Synjen workin' on Urbanville's new map...

Drop him a prop!

I'm off, I need to change out of these clothes before Handsome tries to hit on me...

Too late.

This is Scoop_McFanny saying:

If it's news and it's hot you can expect me to beat the others to the punch...AIGHT?!