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Issue 84

Apr 28, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Editorials

Do you know what I hate the most? Messages that read:

"Masked Editor, you didn't write an article last week!"

I'm not here for your amusement. To the person who wrote me saying that, you are a vile, sorry excuse for a human being! There is a reason why I didn't write an article last week. I wanted to do something on the Beatniks and since last week was 4/20 and Earth Day, I figured they were too tired from participating in illegal activities and hugging trees to pay attention.

"You have to give them credit because now they have their own group."

No I don't. Now we have a group where 1% of the population comes together to play bongos and sing words. News flash, that's not a group, it's a BAND. A band filled with squawking delusional members crying about some mythological "man" and claiming that Beatniks Do It Better. I know what you guys do better, taking up space that belongs to hard working citizens.

I know why you guys have your own group. Are you paying attention? Stop looking at the colors on the walls. Enough with those Beatnik medications, normal people take their medications when they are sick. Not because they are stupid. Back to my topic. You guys have your own group because it's easier to ignore your own stench when you're surrounded by others who smell just as bad. I also know why you congregate outside. No one will let you into their establishment. I can't blame them. When a dog has fleas, it's given a bath. When you all have fleas it is celebrated.

Speaking of annoying things that make you itch with their presence, does anyone else find Love_Child utterly annoying? Beer goggles often causes the person who is drunk to become attracted to the undesirable. In Love's case, her drug goggles makes her believe that all the men in Urbanville are attracted to an undesirable, her.

When she's not accusing every male in Urbanville of loving her, she's spouting asinine "Save the Animals" ideologies. Love_Child, I just stepped on a roach and crushed a spider with my hand. Does that mean you're going to get all Sally Struthers on me? I can hear your pipsqueak voice crying, "Animals deserve respect too," but do you think that before you sink your pearly whites into the body of a dead animal's carcass?

Let me stop before I get haunted by a store bought pink haired psychopath and her gaggle of hemp wearing and inhaling friends.

"Funk-Ahhh-Delic ALT is a cool name!"

No, it isn't. How original is starting the name of your group with "funk?" Because we don't hear enough of it on the site, that now we have a group utilizing a hackneyed term. The "Ahhh" comes from what people say once these members leave a room and a window is opened. The ALTernative to the mundane? More like the ALTernative to SOAP, HYGIENE, and WORK.

There is an old song that says, "All I am saying is give peace a chance."

Beatniks, "All I am saying is give another town a chance!" In other words, GET OUT OF URBANVILLE!

Here's a map and some trail mix. Have fun.

The Masked Editor
Throwing Rocks: Response to Vigilantes...Please Stop.

Dear Masked Editor,

I find it very strange that you show up to our town with no real account and no battles under your belt and decide to write silly articles (from your mothers basement, no less) about the powers that roam in our Urbanville. You’ve managed to create a few enemies and you even have a bounty on your head.

Nice job and by the way, Welcome to Urbanville. We really hope you enjoy your stay.

But let me clue you in on a few things in town.

Particularly, The Vigilantes. We recognize that we are fighters first, and free spirits, as well. We do not follow the basic rules of good vs. evil, we see that good and evil resides within each of us and we choose to embrace it all. Why limit oneself to align with just one idea?
Call us what you will. Fence sitter, is that really the best that you can do. How about you grab a dictionary and explore the definition of the word Vigilante?

Some of the greatest people in history of heroes and villains were mere vigilantes. To name a few; Batman, Wolverine, Punisher, Spawn, Daredevil, Hulk, Adam Warlock, and even Spiderman could be counted among the ranks of Vigilantes. Are they fence sitters, I think not?

The term “Fence Sitter” would be to small to describe us, a more appropriate term would be “The Wall”. We currently have the most active and vocal crew in town. We also try to foster better relations among citizen here by mentoring new arrivals and mediating disputes. But when we are challenged, we will answer the call, win or lose. Our ranks are among the heroes and the villains, we encourage this in order to further our cause.

I would suggest that you might want to research your targeted rants prior to posting articles. We are nothing, right? Then who are you? Man-Up! If you have someone or something to bash, at the very least, be man enough to do it face to face. I’ll take off my mask so that we can see each other “eye to lazy-eye”. But I have a felling that you won’t, most coward rarely get the guts later on in life to face their fears. Oh, well. You don’t matter; it’s time You realized that.


You might wanna get that eye looked at...could be something infectious.

Enough with the Masked Editor

Ok, Ok. I get it. We don't like the guy. He's Rude, Mean, arogant, & He hates Puppies, Kittens, Pie, & Jessica Alba. We all hate him, but that doesn't mean we need 100 Articles talking about the guy or girl. How do you know Ol' Masky doesn't have a machine that collects our hate mail & turns them into a giant Monkey Robot? Look, I'm not standing up for him, because quite frankly, if I ever see him with Johnny Law I'll... *Details too graphic for a Puncherjoe article* with the Giant monkey Robot! & I Blame him for Captain America's death!!!

This is an angry Puncherjoe saying see ya when I see ya. & The Masked Editor better hope I don't see him.

Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge

Something is wrong in Urbanville again!

Sacred: Gravy! It's all...Some of it's...Most of it's...Gr-gr-gr-gravy is all...It's...

Affy and Preston: GRAVY!!! IT'S ALL GRAVY!!!!

The only problem is, it's almost as if this has happened before!

Iron: Remember what happened last year?

What would happen if what the Masked Editor preached about, actually came true?

MrAnderson braiding a lethargic Maggot's hair

Find out by reading "Another Day In Urbanville II: PC's Revenge! And don't worry, our tongue is planted firmly in our cheeks!

Thanatos5150: Well, thats not normal.

(All those interesting in writing, please contact Iron Pants or Affy)

Art work done by Iron_Pants

>> Top Stories
Press Conference: Affy Style!

*Affy comes walking into a room filled with reporters. She walks behind the microphone and smiles*

What's up? *Shields her eyes as the cameras begin to flash*

Questions? You there.

Reporter 1: Affy, so you left the H.A. What's the deal with that?

I've stepped down from the Council position that I had. I needed something new for myself and I wanted to finally get into my Beatnik roots. Love and I have been talking about starting a new group for a while now. She patiently waited for me and well, here I am.

Scoop McFanny: Affy, I heard that there was some beef between you and MrAnderson. Is this true?

Bah, MrA and I have nothing but love for each other! Sure he was a bit disappointed to see me go. As a matter of fact, I almost left the H.A. completely, but he denied my resignation. *giggles* All in all, our feelings for each other haven't changed.

Reporter 2: Funk-Ahhh-Delic ALT, What do you expect to do with this new group?

To give folks in Urbanville a funky alternative. Some folks would call our group fence sitters, but we aren't about stirring both sides of the pot. Honestly Funk ALT is dedicated to one thing and that's the arts. If you want fence sitters, you can go to the Vigilantes.

Handsome U. Whantme: Ms. Chic, because I'm nasty, does this mean you're giving up saving folks for free love?

*shivers* No Handsome. Don't get me wrong, I will ALWAYS be there for the H.A. and the newbies in this town. If anything, I think I'm a bit more dangerous without heroic rules and stereotypes holding me back. But let it be known, if I see any Villain picking on anyone from the H.A. or a newbie, that Villain will meet my claws and in the worse way possible! *sneers*

The Masked Editor: Not that I care, but what does Iron think about your new change?

Iron is okay with it. *audience gasps* What? He's been pushing for me to do some weird Charlie's Angel girl group for a while now. He said, "If you want to go there, I'll support you." That was that.

Reporter 3: So the relationship is okay? Are there any wedding plans in the future?

Iron and I aren' aren't dating anymore. Don't ask me, I'm not answering questions about that.

*murmuring in the audience*

Handsome U. Whantme: Why Beatnik Affy?

I'm all about non-conformity. I always have been. As a Hero I was deemed to be too sassy by the Villains, but I didn't care what they said. It was all about how I felt about myself and how I saw myself. Besides, have you seen my poetry and every other artsy thing I've done in Urbanville?! *smiles*

*a motorcycle is heard in the distance*

Well folks, I have to go now. *waves goodbye and tries to leave the stage*

Scoop Mc Fanny: Affy, one more question!

Sheesh, if I stay then my ride will have to wait for me outside and he hates it when he has to wait outside. And I hate it when he does too because I have to listen to his mouth.

Scoop Mc Fanny: C'mon Affy! Ple-

*a motorcycle comes speeding into the room and it stops in front of Affy*

You always have to make an entrance, don't you Sweetie Pie?

*Sacred_Apollyon takes off his helmet and winks as Affy kisses his cheek*

Ciao folks! *Affy puts on a helmet that opens up at the top giving her afro space to breathe*

*The reporters begin to murmur once again as Sacred turns around to flip the reporters off and speeds out of the room*

>> Sports
Part five: Showdown at the Just B Causeway Bridge

Check out Madmordican other stories by going to his page and clicking Chronicles!

- The mighty Goatfist himself was there standing at the door. Darkterror was shocked to see him for Goatfist didn’t appear in public except when he felt he should take the situation in his hands a decision that often reached the body count of Rambo! Goatfist without even saying a word punched Darkterror using his Goatfist of furry power! Darkterror went down after traveling several feet into the air and bouncing on the wall. The rest of the heroes were alarmed and raced to the door only to find Darkterror severely wounded. There was a note attached to his chest warning the heroes that if they ever want to get Rackman back in one piece they would have to go and claim him from Just B Causeway Bridge at midnight.
- Did Darkterror died?
- No, no, he didn’t, but it was a close call indeed. Darkangel drove him all the way to the hospital and he barely made it. He fell in a coma that very same day. Needless to say, the morale of the RMDU was extremely low. Helping the city with henchlings is one thing, going against the mighty Goatfist himself, is another. But then again, they couldn’t let Rackman to his evil hooves now, could they?
- So what did they do?
- The only thing they could do. They waited. And half an hour before midnight their desperation was obvious. Both Madmordican and Darkangel spend most of the day searching for the Mayor Daman, who for some reason was nowhere to be found.
- Hmmm... I wonder if the Mayor back then tasted like chicken.
- What are you talking about?
- Well he sure was behaving like one!
- The reasons as to why the Mayor didn’t show up puzzled the heroes as well, filling them with doubts. If he had quit, was there even a point for them to try to make a difference? The answer came later that night. With a heavy heart the two heroes went to the meeting point. What they saw there was intimidating to say the least. The bridge was full of henchlings, there must have been hundreds of them and occasionally you could spot in the dark of the night the flaming hair of a Char. In the distance and tied by ropes at the middle of the bridge was an old friend who did not seemed to move at all. And there, stood with him the mighty Goatfist himself. Goatsfist yelled – and it was the first time anyone ever heard his voice – IF YOU WANT HIM, COME AND CLAIM HIM and...
- I know! The friend was Frodo Baggins!
- no, no nothing like that
- But this is totally a Lord of the Rings line and...
- Can we go on already?
- Oh...ok
- The friend was Rackman of course! The heroes did not hesitate a bit and threw themselves into the mob of henchlings, hacking and slashing their way to Rackman. The henchlings clawed them numerous times and at any other given night they wouldn’t be able to take so much punishment, but the idea that Rackman needed them kept them going. They shouldn’t fail him, not now. Believe it or not my child after what seemed to take forever, the heroes manage to position themselves really close to Goatfists prisoner. Rackman looked in a terrible shape for he had been severely tortured.
- How bad was he?
- Really bad! The Goatfist had tortured people in the past in ways that made Hostel look like a Disney film but in this particular case, he was cruller than ever!
- What did he do?
- None really knows for sure but rumor has it he made him read each and every forum thread manutd had ever made!
- Oh no!
- Beat that Tarantino! Anyway, with both of them bleeding and Goatfist ready to assault them, things looked like Saturday night fever without the soundtrack.
- What’s that?
- Pointless. But out of despair always comes hope! The most amazing thing happened!
- Daman came?
- Better lad, much better!
- What happened?

End of Part five!

>> Ask Handsome
Hoo Boy

Dear Handsome,

You are a sorry excuse for a writer. I'm almost afraid to shake your hand because I don't know where it's been or I do know and I'm grossed out even more. You are a pseudo-play boy and I hope that one day all the women that you have messed with join forces and beat the tar out of you.

Maybe you would have more articles if you stopped chasing skirts.


The Masked Editor

Dear Masked Editor,

What is it about Handsome that bothers you the most? It must be my Handsome face or the way the Ladies coo when I walk into a room. I know that your problem is I'm a Beatnik and the fact that the last time you had a woman touch you, your mother was changing your diaper. I've had your mother touch me and let me tell you that woman has soft hands. Sexy ol' Handsome even knows that your mother loves to wear cherry lip balm. Go ahead, ask me how I know. Whenever she hears the word "handsome" she smiles for a long time, doesn't she? I did that.

My lack of articles have to do with the fact that no one in Urbanville is writing me and can you blame them? How many people do you know are actually dating here? I find it sad but then again, Handsome's dating card is never empty. Sometimes I'm taking out 3 or more Ladies a day! The men are too busy fighting so it's Handsome's duty to please those Cuties! Love is my job and BUSINESS IS GOOD! Handsome is like a Mc Donald's sign, "Over 1 Billion Served."

Masked_E, you know the opposite of Love isn't Hate, it's Indifference. Think about that when you are home alone. If you have a problem with me, the fire me. You and I both know you can't afford to lose me, you would never see a real woman up close if I left The Chronicles.

Whose your daddy? That's right, I am! (I know you say this to yourself all the time Masked_E)

Handsome U. Whantme

Disclaimer: Handsome U. Whantme is NOT a licensed psychologist! He's just a man who has too much time on his hands and advice to hand out. If you want to write him, send all questions to [email protected]. Make sure that you put "Ask Handsome" in the subject field.

>> Business
V Slap campaign

My fellow HA companions, now is the time to rise up against the evil!

Our enemies, the so called Villains (not sure if much of them deserve the name), are terrorizing the citizens of Urbanville! The laws tried to face them but at this point they are capable of very little to stop these “mean” guys.

Apparently their boss (most known as the smelly goat) has challenged its servants to bring some mayhem in Urbanville. They are not doing much, but they are doing something.

So its time to take action and show these fools how to lay some smack!! And who better to do this? You’re right! The Hustle Alliance.

So HA companions put on those dusty pecs and those super capes grab those sabers and get to fighting!!