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Issue 81

Apr 7, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Editorials
The Family has a Pair

A pair of what is the question...

Here are the responses that I received so far. They are as scary as a white boy singing country music. Do I need to explain that? Perhaps you should get into groups of four and put your feeble minds together. Then you will be able to grasp my meaning.

Title: I am TheThing

"Masked Editor, if you have a problem with the Family, then you have got to go through me first. You talked a lot of smack on the Family last week, but can you back it up? You probably couldn't knock down one health off of me. Do you have a superpower? Do you have mojo? I don't think so. Either challenge us in a battle, or back off. You aren't even confident enough to show your face. You must be afraid that if we knew who you were, then we would rip your masked head off, which is true. We are not that big yet, but we can still bring you or anybody down. Whether you are man, goat, or chicken, you still can't touch The Family."

Title: None Listed. I would give it one but it wouldn't be PG.

"I would just like to say that that article The_Masked_Editor wrote is a whole load of bull crap!

Now I have a few things to say about The Family and your article:

1. The Family is the only group that are actually selective about who they let in. They only let the elite form of Urbaniac and that is why they are the best group in Urbanville.

2. I am only 13 and I know who the second member of WHAM is! (Andrew Ridgely)

3. I don't think anyone cares is you 'smell another article'. I am honestly sure that every article you write is a load of crap and I have only been here for 44 days!

4. I think you are gonna be the sand castle and The Family is gonna be the wave.

You get my drift?

How many of you believe that the 13 year old went to Wiki to find the second member of WHAM? I do.


Quick...Stop all crime...The Hustle Alliance is here to save the day.

Does it make you laugh too? It should, get off of the floor, the joke is over. I've never seen a worthless bunch of Heroes in my life! At least I can thank them for showing me something so rare. Oh poor Hustle Alliance your pa (MrAnderson) is away and your ma (Afro_Chic) just left you. What will you do? What will you do?

Become a bunch of self-righteous snots? Oh wait, you already are. Am I being too mean? I know how sensitive you H.A. members are. You guys are so weak that you have to be taught how to talk trash. Was that not covered in your pathetic Hero school? When you say harsh words in the H.A. Headquarters, are you scolded by MrAnderson and told that you can't have any dessert? Are you told to sit in the corner and to "think about what you just said?"

And we wonder why The Family keeps reconstructing, they have nothing better else to do. Hey H.A., under those capes and gears are you people hiding a protruding belly? Or do you work it off by skipping and frolicking through Urbanville? At night do you make s'mores by roasting marshmallows over the alcoholic vapors emanating off of Iron's unconscious body? If I walked up into your Headquarters with a bomb strapped to me, will you tackle me or will you try to talk me out of blowing you guys up by using phrases like, "That's not very nice" and "I'm incensed!" Will I get a lecture too?

The Family might be posers in tutus, but the H.A. members aren't man/woman enough to wear the tutus. It's pitiful when a group relies on the new Beatnik group to fight their battles for them. I have a 4 year old niece who knows how to stand up for herself, should I have her come to Urbanville so you sissy Hustlers can hide behind her too?

Let's face it, a Villain is only as strong as the Hero chasing him and I blame the Hustle Alliance for The Family's lack of activity.

Currently, the Family members are ganging up on weaker H.A. members and beating the crap out of them while the stronger H.A. members are sitting in the corner twirling their long luminous hair and singing, "I Feel Pretty." What makes this scenario worse is that's just the men. I know that there are female H.A. members. Are they in a cave somewhere embarrassed that their men are more effeminate than they are? It makes me wonder, how does a fight go between a Family and a H.A. member?

H.A.: Prepare to DIE Villain...Please...Unless that's not convenient for you.

Family: Once I get this tutu off I'm going to kick your arse!

H.A.: Oooooo, you swore! I'm telling on you!

Family: Stupid tutu. Oh who the heck are you going to tell!

H.A.: MrAnderson!

Family: Gah! Why did I wear this tutu? I have so many more that are easier to get off!

(H.A. member luckily smacks The Family member with their battle oar, knocking the Family on the ground)

H.A.: I'm sorry! Did I hurt you! I will wait for you to get up so we can continue this fight.

Family: Stupid tutu.

A real Hero would finish the Villain off. Why? Because if you let that Villain go he or she will commit more crimes, but with the H.A that Villain will get picked up, dusted off, and told that crime doesn't pay. At least my 4 year old niece will kick and bite until the other person gives up. Then again, when she gets upset, she actually does something and doesn't spend time threatening folks with a finger wagging.

Now that I think about it, if a Family member tries to attack me, I'll bring my niece and show you Hustlers what a real Hero looks like. Too bad that instead of paying attention, you will be too busy yelling, "Be gentle!"

Instead of dealing with you Heroes, I rather poke my own cornea with a dirty finger. I have absolutely no respect for you.

Get a grip, borrow a pair, or get out of the business...

The Masked Editor

In Search of a Villain

*Boo-Hoo* Where are the Villains?

You Heroes make me sick. Recognize a Villain when you see one. So what if some of us are the quiet type and don't like to run around the city, screaming for attention due to the lack it at home. You cry babies can't handle the evil we truly possess.

Without Villains, you Zeros are nothing but idiots in spandex. Without you Heroes, we are still evil. Learn your place in the Urbanville Community. Fear Us, Fear The Hoof.

We're watching you...

-Bite me...Urb Off.

>> Top Stories
Wanted: The Masked Editor

The Family has an open bounty on 1 person, The Masked Editor. There is a reward and fame to be had. Help the Family catch the slanderous criminal and DE-MASK THE THREAT!!!

>> Politics
The Vigilantes Chronic

We Vigi's are here dedicated and loyal,
Achieving our aims and advancing our goal,
Advancing in ranks, respect and power,
You can see our strength improving hour by hour,
Stepping from the shadows and showing our prowess,
Trust me with a Vigi you don't wanna mess,
We stand together and fight OUR fight,
Whoever we face will fear our might,
For some reason you look upon us with underestimation,
However we'll turn it to an advantage and you'll feel obliteration,
We may still be human and weaknesses we all possess,
But with our key virtues our weaknesses we will suppress,
Our mission is clear, undeniable and strong,
Powered by our will it'll be achieved before long,
Even after death our spirits will live on,
Spreading our message to people one by one,
We will rise to power in one life or the next,
Remember were invisible, not living life in context.......

>> Business
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