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Issue 79

Mar 23, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Politics
Beatnik Happenings

It's your favorite reporter Scoop here and boy do I have some news for you!

While cleaning the Mayor's windows at City Hall, I found out two things.

1. He separates his M&M's by color before eating them. What a FREAK!

2. The Beatniks are about to get their own group!!!

Did I stutter? The Beatniks are getting their OWN GROUP!

"Funk-Ahhh-Delic ALT"

The ALTernative to the Mundane!

I heard the words out of the Mayor's mouth! Afro_Chic and Love_Child are joining forces to create this group whose main purpose will be to bring more art to the town of Urbanville.

Here's the scoop:

- They have been planning this group for a while now.

- They have the backing of the Mayor for this.

- Love_Child is trying to convince Afro_Chic to become a Beatnik permanently, but Afro_Chic is still tied to the Hustle Alliance. If you want to put in your two cents, go here:

Help Me Help Affy!!!

Whose da man? Scoop's da man! I'm da M-A-N!

I even managed to snag their logo when the Mayor went to the bathroom! I also mixed up his M&M's bowl! It's not like they have individual flavors!

I'm so good, I even scooped Love_Child and Afro_Chic! Feast your eyes upon da M-A-N!!!

Good luck with your group you sexy ladies you!

Sorry for letting the cat out of the bag. No pun intended Afro_Chic!

This is Scoop_McFanny saying:

If it's news and it's hot you can expect me to beat the others to the punch!
>> Top Stories
The DMJ Story. Part 2

Stories are rife through this fair town at the legitimacy of DMJ's heritage. Apparently, and sources are sketchy, 2 chars tried to abduct DMJ, but were eviscerated by DMJ using a new power. The Winning Smile.

Our intel can not find a link between DudeMan, his wife, and/or The Mayor, which leads us to believe that it was either:

1) Not a Winning Smile.
2) Not 2 chars.

If they were not chars, then we think they must have been civilians. However, a Winning Smile has no ill effect on Non Evil Entities.

Has DMJ got a funky new Super Power?

What is it, and what will it be called?

More details as they come to hand.


Please go here...

Creepy Crawly Creature Creates Commotion

Urbanville University students were horrified and intrigued by a unidentifiable creature they spotted while collecting test samples of Urbanville Bay.

"It was like a accident scene. You're traumatized, yet you can't look away!" said one student who wishes to remain anonymous for reasons I can't fathom. Who doesn't want their name in the paper?

The creature has been described as slimy and slithering with a startling resemblance to Maggot, the nomad and Family man. Well you can see for yourself as one student was able to snap a picture before the creature dove into the murky oil slicked waters.

"By analysis of the anatomy, I'd guess that the specimen is a mutated imperial majestic croaker." said Professor Ed Denty of Urbanville University. "Of course, it could be one of Maggot's relatives."

The Family has a long history of polluting the bay with factory waste and raw sewage. Is this one of the by-products they hoped to breed? Or is it really just Maggot's nephew? It's anyone's guess.

The public is reminded to stay clear of the water in Urbanville Bay unless they enjoy itching in awkward places. Fishing and crabbing is prohibited. And stay away from the old guy selling fish tacos in the parking lot.

>> Editorials
Public Battles where art thou?

Well as we all know public battles aren't too common anymore. They are a main attraction of the site and very fun. Not only do you get to fight real characters but you have fun while doing it, talking to others, testing your skills and fighting with friend and foe alike. Your sidekicks show their true worth and the food is actually worth the money! Although public battles have increased in the past few weeks, there still isn't a decent amount in my opinion. Also they all seem to happen at a certain time of day which leaves people from other time zones without luck. There have been many people on the site who have complained about there not being many public battles. Well what I'm saying today is stop complaining and DO SOMETHING. I'm not saying that no one has tried to get them going, people such as Maggot, Slimthugga, and urbanmaniac (along with few others) have been starting a battles. In addition, Maggots "4-4 old skool battle" thread has been a success. But I believe there still could be a lot more going on. That is why I am vowing that from this day forward, I will create at least 2 public battles a day. I will post their opening and wait at least 10 minutes for people to enter before canceling/starting. So who else is going to step up and make this objective come true? Remember the old saying "If your not part of the solution then your part of the problem."

You have training and stats for a reason. Use them. I mean what's the point of going over 800 in stats if you can beat all of the assaults? The point is to continually strive to improve yourself and test your worth on others whose stats are equal.

I always fight with people around my age/stats even though I do lose often (Hakka has one heck of an sp!). Maybe the crews could actually have some rivalry and fight each other, you've got to admit it would be fun to actually do something other than trash talk each other.

So are you gunna step up and face the challenge?

Or are you CHICKEN!

Afro_Chic AGAIN?!
Someone pass me the remote so I can find something else to watch in the town of Urbanville, please.

Once again, Afro_Chic has attention around her. Surprise, surprise.

So what is this hoopla about now? If she's going to stay in the Hustle Alliance or end up with the new group Funk-Ahhh-Delic ALT. Like I care.

What's the difference between Afro_Chic and Britney Spears? One of them probably wears a weave, has too much attention surrounding her, a pathetic mate, 2 screaming brats, and an obvious problem...The other is Britney.

Though I should be careful about what I say about Miss Urbaniacs, wouldn't want her screaming fans to attack me because I badmouthed their precious Affy.

Whats so great about Afro_Chic?

When I wake up in the morning and I see the sun, did she put it there? When I brush my teeth and rinse out my mouth, did she command the water do run through my faucet? When I sit down at my table for breakfast, did she cook the food for me? I was eating bacon so I know she didn't.

Hear that? Someone just called me a hater. Why would I want to be her? She had to take a break from the H.A. because she doesn't know how to say no and ended up doing a lot of work by herself. Once a month she has someone blasting her in the forums because she's a public figure. Sounds like fun to me. I bet she can't go to the bathroom without people debating if she's doing #1 or #2.

Since that sounds like a great life, I hereby declare myself a hater, though not for the reasons why you think I am.

Hey Afro_Chic, why don't you do us all a favor and just be a free agent? That way The Family, the Hustle Alliance, and Funk-Ahhh-Delic ALT can stop persuading you to join their group. The rest of us would like some peace, you know.

Granted it's not your fault but I'm tired of seeing and hearing about you. How about you find a funky rock to crawl under so I can get some peace.

The Masked Editor

>> Business