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Issue 77

Mar 9, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Top Stories
Urb Fu Coming At'cha

A new business, Urb Fu Dojo, just opened in downtown Urbanville today offering classes for Urb Fu "purists." Proprietor and head instructor, Master Foo Leisch invites students who have not experienced martial arts before, to learn the ways of Urb Fu. He has developed these special techniques and feels they are superior to any other discipline. I caught up with him at the Grand Opening.

Love: Master Foo, what are your qualifications?

Foo Leisch: I am a black belt in Urb Fu! I developed it, and I am the best at it!

Love: I see. What other disciplines have you studied?

Foo Leisch: I am a master at kung fu! I took the best moves and developed them into my own style.

Love: And what styles of kung fu did you study?

Foo Leisch: Oh you know...Gorilla style...

Love: Gorilla, hunh?

Foo Leisch: Yes and goat, giraffe and err...Tazmanian devil!

Love: How... Impressive. So what inspired you to study kung fu?

Foo Leisch: I am a big fan of Chuck Norris.

Love: Chuck Norris is a karate man.

Foo Leisch: Hunh?

Love: Chuck Norris does karate, not kung fu.

Foo Leisch: Oh ah, yes, but...He is inspirational. So I went forth and studied what appealed to me after I got...Uh...Inspired.

Love: So you are inviting students with no experience to your school. What about those who have trained in other disciplines and who would like to learn Urb Fu?

Foo Leisch: Yes well... right now I am teaching those with a blank slate... completely open to the training with no bad habits. Later on... I will open the school to others.

Love: I see. I'd like to sit in on a class and evaluate your teaching skills if you don't mind.

Foo Leisch: Oh uhm...Actually...The school is in a very exclusive stage right now...

Love: How much are you charging these inexperienced students?

Foo Leisch: Ah, Eh heheh... Each class is only 10,000 urbos not including the uniform. However, they are guaranteed to earn a new belt each month...As long as they come to class every week.

Love: A new belt every month?

Foo Leisch: Oh yes. My teaching is that good! They will go through the rainbow within a year and be black belts! They will get a certificate that I will print out from my computer and sign personally!

Love: Well, that's great, I guess. Good luck in your endeavors.

Foo Leisch: I need no luck! I am a crafty...Err...Smart businessman! So come to the Urb Fu Dojo and become a master martial artist in no time!

Love: So you'll let me take a class?

Foo Leisch: Um no...Not you...But those people out there with no experience... they need to learn how to defend themselves with the goatlings and the Laws running about.

Love: I see. Well I wish your students luck.

Chronicles Looking For GOOD Writers

Yes, I'm back.

I checked out the forums the other day and notice folks were complaining about the Chronicles. So, what are you going to do about it?

It's one thing to complain. It's another to put your urbos where your mouth is, so I decided to take time out of my hectic schedule to say that I am looking for some GOOD writers.

Prove to me that you all don't Uber-Stank. Wait, I'm asking too much aren't I?

Writing is not a spect-

I would finish that but you're not listening.

The Masked Editor
>> Editorials
Chill Out

Iron Pants here. I’ve got myself a pretty good mellow on, and I’m not at liberty to share what I’ve ingested to make it happen. Regardless, this article is for every high-strung Urbaniac out there – some are new, some are veterans, but regardless of how many days you’ve logged on, you need to hear this because it’s the secret to True Urbaniacs Happiness:


Are you new, with no urbo-saber, props, urbos and you can’t even beat a single Henchling?

Chill out. I’ve got some news for you: You will eventually, if you keep playing. Will your life change drastically the moment you’ve got a shiny new urbo-saber, a million urbos in the bank, a thousand props and the ability to smack-down two Chars and two Sludges by yourself? No.

I’m Iron Pants. I’ve got over 30,000 props, shiny gear, over a million urbos in the bank, and there is no assault I can’t handle solo. Even though I’ve got an exclusive side-kick, I stick with my favourite – the BSP (a Rumproast). Am I awesome? You bet. What’s my secret?

Simple: I’ve been playing over 400 days, and every day I log on and train. I started on Urbaniacs before there were Assaults, and there were half the amount of games. I never begged, never got any special help. The props just started to happen, but even when they did, it wasn’t a big deal because I was too weak to do much in a battle anyway… and even when I did get those 100 props, it just meant I could get my butt kicked whenever I wanted.

So don’t beg. Anything you don’t have to work for isn’t worth having. If you got everything you wanted on the first day, then what would you do? Probably get bored and leave, that’s what. So chill out.

Did someone just give you a verbal smack-down in the forums?

Chill out. Take it from a professional: I trade quips with Heroes and Villains as a daily part of my job in the Justice Unlimited Toronto team, and I can tell you that if you blow your cool, your retorts are going to show it. If your let it be known that your cool is blown during a verbal smack-down, then my friend, you have just lost.

If you lose a verbal smack-down, the best thing you can do is shut up. People have short memories; if you’re quiet, they’ll forget about it. Keep talking while sounding like a fool, and you only prolong your loss. Besides – being quiet gives you some time to chill out, frost your cool back again, and come back in swinging at full strength.

For those of you not taking Afro Chic’s Trashtalking 101, here’s some quick no-nevers:

  • Never mention what you can do in real life. For one thing, you’ve got no way to prove it – if I’m really a 280 pound former CIA biker or a 98 pound CEO of Nerdcorp, the only way I’m going to be able to convince anyone is if they’re in my gang or part of the executive board. For another thing – this is Urbaniacs. What makes you think your real-life accomplishments mean anything here? I could be able to kill a tiger with my bare hands in real life – it’s not going to help me take down a Henchling if I only have 15HP, 7 Defence and 10 Might.

  • Never take a personal shot. We’re here for fun and witty repartee, not mud-slinging. You don’t like it when the Sludges throw muck at you, so don’t try it on your fellow Urbaniacs.

  • Never use a “yo mamma”. They’re lame, childish, could get you into a world of hurt and make you look like a fool.

Is someone expressing a difference in opinion?

Chill out. Guess what – opinions are 99% emotional. Even if you can logically prove that the person is wrong, they won’t admit it, and they certainly won’t like it. Chill out, let it slide… it’s not worth pursing at the end of the day.

OK, I’ve said my piece. If I can reduce the amount of begging, inane pot-shots or pointless shouting matches by even a small percent, then I’ve earned the right to earn an incredible hangover tomorrow.

Urb on, Iron out!

>> Ask Handsome
Who Needs Luvin? YOU Need Luvin!


I've been reading your letters and let me say that I am utterly disgusted by the way you refer to women! We aren't these species that giggle and titter just because someone says a kind word to us. We don't want luvin' after a battle AND not ALL of us are attracted to you! For some reason Handsome, I feel that you are over-compensating for something. Is it really necessary that we get reminded every time that you're handsome? Are you trying to convince yourself more so than us? I doubt that this letter will make it in the papers because for once someone isn't drooling all over you. Handsome...This is your wake up call! Will you open the door or are you too...CHICKEN?!

Bite me,

Feme Nist

Dear Feme Nist (Oh brother),

Before you burn your undergarments, let me say that I'm not here to hurt anybody. I'm just dishing out some good advice for those who ask me. What's the harm in that? I'll be the first to admit that every woman doesn't want me, okay I'm lying there. You all do, especially you, that's why you wrote me this letter. So while your words are saying, "I hate you Handsome," I'm hearing, "Oh Handsome why don't you love me and only me."

Let ol' Handsome give you a bit of advice. The "I love to hate you yet I hate to love you" thing is a little bit crazy. I'll meet you at the movie theater. I'll bring the tickets and the snacks; you bring your beautiful self and that sassy attitude. Handsome likes 'em feisty! Tonight at 8, you will be immersed in a world of Handsomeness. Don't worry sweet baby, I'll give you something to talk to your girlfriends about the next day.

Whose your daddy? That's right, I am! (You darn right it's me Feme!)

Handsome U. Whantme

Disclaimer: Handsome U. Whantme is NOT a licensed psychologist! He's just a man who has too much time on his hands and advice to hand out. If you want to write him, send all questions to [email protected]. Make sure that you put "Ask Handsome" in the subject field.

>> Business

>> Politics
Jump in Family Recruitment

It has been brought to my attention that lately The Family has been recruiting members on the site to join their new initiative, "The League of Shadows."

Though I must applaud the new Family mission I must say, you guys can create as many groups as you want but it's not going to change the fact that:

Good ALWAYS triumphs over evil.

Not matter how you slice it, dice it, stab it, grab it, slap it up, flip it, or rub it down (Oooh noooo! Oh, Bell Biv Devoe), those who choose to join with The Family will only have one fate:


There have even been instances where our own Hustle Alliance members have decided to hand in their Hero collahs only to rock a villainous frock. To those members I say:

Don't let the door hit you on the way out the door.

Sure, it sounds a little harsh, but gone are the days when Council Members begged their members to stay. Do you REALLY think that Iron_Pants is going to beg anyone to stay? I know I've stopped that nonsense and even MrAnderson is starting to come around. We are sorry to see you go, but don't become sad when you end up on the receiving end of my claws. Remember, you chose your fate, not me.

In closing, although I respect The Family, I must say when the big battle comes; they will be looking up to the Hustle Alliance as their bodies lay sprawled on the cold ground.

Then and only then you will see that the overly happy, short bus riding, tree hugging, peace keeping, punk "zeroes" that you often call us will be victorious.

And in that day, my friends, you will truly bow down to the Hustle Alliance.

Hero Fo' LIFE!

Afro_Chic, Hustle Alliance Council Member

*Hero collah pops*