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Issue 73

Feb 6, 2007

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>> Top Stories
A Valentines For Princess by Preston

"Princess was a Slimthugga's shwolf
And when her daddy would visit she'd come along
When he and Affy started talkin'
That's when Princess and I would go walkin'
Out through the back yard we'd go walkin'
Then she'd look into my eyes
Lord knows, to my surprise

The only one who could ever reach me
Was the shwolf of the Hustle Muscle
The only one who could ever teach me
Was the shwolf of the Hustle Muscle
Yes she was, she was, ooh, yes she was"


All the shwolves might be making me crazy but you're the only one who weakens me with just one smile. Happy Valentine's Day!

Grrrrrr...You sexy thang!

Preston B. (your) Wereboy

Part four: The Empire strikes back

"Goatfist was extremely intelligent and cunning. He had the legs of a goat but his brain was really sharp! He had predicted the heroes would try to steal from Freaky’s Auto Hut and had some of the vehicles trapped with tracking devices! It wasn’t long before Goatfist had the exact location of the heroes’ vehicles. Or at least of one of them."

"Which one?"

"Rackman's! His vehicle was trapped. Of course Goatfist knew that Rackman was really powerful! If he was to send minions after him he should use something more powerful than henchlings. So Goatfist started gathering his army of fiery Chars to send against Rackman. There were several attacks of henchlings in every corner of Urbanville in the past days and the heroes were always there to save the day! Be it a lady in distress or a cat that had climbed too high RMDU was there, ever vigilant to deal with any occasion. A tiring and thankless task that many times demanded from the heroes to work as a group and sometimes alone. It was one of these times when Rackman grabbed his Thrash and went to check on information he had that Jenny Law was giving away parking tickets. When Rackman made it to the spot all was quiet. He got out of his vehicle to check the area and then he realized his mistake! It was a trap! He turned around to make it to his Thrash but was a second too late. Chars appeared from every corner and they were fast! Fast enough to position themselves between his ride and himself."

"What happened then?"

"A huge battle! One so big only to be rivaled with the one that happened in Tokyo when playstation 3 was relished in only 100.000 pieces! Rackman fought bravely and really brought down most of the Chars! The battle lasted for quite some time and near the end of it Rackman seemed to emerge victorious! But then a hideous creature appeared. It was strong and disgusting at the same time! It could hardly talk but Rackman thought he heard it say his name… It was..."

"Schwarzenegger with a suit!"

"...Um...Er...No, no nothing like that"

"But he was strong and kinda disgusting in a suit and when he talked you could hardly understand anything and..."

"Can we go on already?"


"It was a Sludge! Before he could react the Sludge attacked him with its claws and gave him a deep wound! He continued to fight the remaining Chars along with the Sludge for Rackman was not the type to surrender! In the end…only he stood! He had defeated an enormous army by himself, a great feat indeed. Wounded and bleeding from several parts of his body he slowly walked towards his ride. But he never made it. The poison of the Sludge had taken effect and soon Rackman feinted. Back in the City Hall the rest of the heroes were wondering what takes him so long when they heard a knock in the door. Darkterror rushed to answer the door to welcome him back only to be stunned in dread from what he saw."

"What did he see?"

End of Part four!

>> Editorials
A Valentines for Penelope by Paolo

You're moonlight and sweetness, You are my weakness, No matter what's in store, My heart's forever yours.

Love, Paolo

>> Business
A Letter to the Editor

Dear Masked Editor,

After reading Scoop's article in issue #72, I wonder, who are you? Why are you masked? Is your mask something that you wear everyday? What are you trying to hide? Are you a guy or a girl? How long have you been in Urbanville? Why are you SO grumpy?

Kitty Curiosity

Dear Kitty Curiosity,

I am the Editor of the Chronicles. Because I want to be. Only when people want to know my identity. My face. I am me. I've been here for a while. Grumpy? Like CrimsonKing grumpy or like Breaker grumpy? In either case, I'm not grumpy. It's not nice to call people names.

Thanks for wasting my time. Cats and curiosity, well you know that saying.

-The M.E.

>> Ask Handsome
Mojo Workout

Dear Handsome,

My flirting mojo is still stuck in the 6th grade. If I like a girl, the best I can do is irritate her like the overgrown child that I am. And if I REALLY like her, well then it's worse. How can I get my mojo to grow up?

6th Grade Mojo

Dear 6th Grade Mojo,

Dang bro, so you're telling me that instead of loving your lady, you're too busy pulling her hair and telling her that she has cooties? That saddens my handsome heart.

You can't force your mojo to grow up, but you can resist the urges to irritate your crushes. Whenever you get the feeling, just choose another option, preferrably one that includes lots of smiles and blush inducing flirts and compliments. Terms of endearment will also work. For example, if you like an outfit that she's wearing, walk up to her and say, "Dang baby, you look finer and finer each time I see you!" If that doesn't produce a giggle, a blush, and the urge to kiss you, then that woman is made of stone! Move on, trust me, this advice will work on any lady!

If you try a little tenderness, you will never go back to your 6th grade ways. (You'll love the results of your new attitude too much)

Whose your daddy? That's right, I am! (Well not yours man, this is how I end all of my letters)

Handsome U. Whantme

Disclaimer: Handsome U. Whantme is NOT a licensed psychologist! He's just a man who has too much time on his hands and advice to hand out. If you want to write him, send all questions to [email protected]. Make sure that you put "Ask Handsome" in the subject field.

A Valentines for Maxie by Porco Rosso


There was never a more lovely rose, Delicate from her head to the tips of her toes, Her eyes sparkle with the warmth of the sun, And I find myself becoming quite undone. Her soft voice is like a whispering song, For her company, I constantly long. I hope she won't find this terribly cliche, Maxi I wish you, Happy Valentine's Day!

Yours, Porco Rosso