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Issue 72

Feb 3, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Comics
Zoomer McTraveller

"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."
Stolen from Robin Williams - Actor/Comedian

"Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because
'Mad Cow Disease' was taken."
Stolen from Unknown - Presumed Dead

Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Teenage Angst

This actually happened to me, and at the time, it was definately not funny. I have, however, matured to the point where I can laugh about it now(especially since it's no longer fresh in my memory)...

Don't you hate it when you just wake up? Or worse, when you're half asleep and interpret things you hear in real life into your dreams? My mom had a few friends over today. I could hear them laughing from downstairs, and I thought the evil clowns were back. Seriously. Scared me pretty good for a second there.

So I go upstairs to get a drink...They all start staring at me. Me, the sleepy, tousled, bleary eyed teen sitting in their midst, with a can of "all natural soda" (Tastes TERRIBLE by the way. Don't try it) and some
stawberry jello with UFOs hidden in it (unidentified food objects). I'm kinda like, "yeah, you can stop staring now," aaaaaaand...They laugh some more. Guess what happens next? They threw plums at me! Honestly, I was
not expected to be bombarded with fruit on my quest for liquid refreshment. But it's cool . I can look forward to doing that to some else's kids later in life : )

God bless infants, teens, and the middle aged.

>> Business
Shops pricey but fair (a business report)

Let us pretend just for a bit, shall we? You are new in town. A young hero, or whatever, wide eyed, a real go getter. So you meet folks, prop them to prop you, create your alter ego and your satisfied. But all new super individuals need gear. I mean..all supers do have it after all.

You go into the store and see the exorbitant prices of shields, body armour, and even super funky weaponry.
Discouraged you leave empty handed or with a beat box side kick.

This happens daily here in Urbanville. But this financial reporter is here to give some reasoning to the high pricing. Its simple. To get the cool stuff you gotta work for it. And some items are sooooo awesome they are rare, even ubber rare, thus raising prices.

This creates a fair system of heroes. I mean what would the point be if all heroes could afford golden pecs right off the bat. Or we all battled with urbo-sabres? It would nullify the bling effect these items give off.

So discount shoppers dont blame inflation. Blame funkiness, rarity, and jealousy.
>> Editorials
When I Became A Human

I became a human in 1956 . I used to have many alien friends until one day my dad got deployed to the planet you call EARTH. We had to disguise as earth people and no one found out until one day. The day was my first day of school. I was worried that someone would find out i was an alien. One friendly looking kid said, "Hey come play with us after school." I said ok where will I meet you at? The kid said,"Right here." Ok I said. Then they met there that after noon. They knew I was not from this planet so they kept walking around me and saw the zipper they said," What is this for?" Isaid unzip it they did the saw I was not from this planet they knew that i was an alien. They started screaming all the way home. This is how I became a human.
>> Top Stories
Chronicles Under New Management

One day while looking through the Chronicles, it hit me and hit me HARD...

Yup, it was a henchling that Moocho Macho Hombre wedgie tossed. It hit me in the head and knocked me out for a few hours, but when I came to, the drool that my unconscious state produced caused the Chronicles to stick to my face, then I realized...

Man it looks different!

Since I am Scoop_McFanny, I decided to look into this change and whaddaya know, I found out that the Chronicles is indeed under new management! The only problem is no one knows who manages it!

Never fear, Scoop_McFanny is here to tell you that I actually had a chance to interview this new person, why? Because, I'm da man. That's right, I Scoop_McFanny am da man...I'm D-A-M-A-N! I don't care what Ira says. Heh, his first name is Ira.

At first, I couldn't find the new person, but then I managed to finagle an interview time with a masked individual. I couldn't even tell if the person was a male or female because their voice was androgynous.

Here's my interview:

Scoop_McFanny: Thank you for meeting with me odd person with a mask on.

Masked Editor: I have things to do. Articles to edit. What do you want?

Scoop_McFanny: Whoa. Take a deep breath brother or sister...Whatever you are. I just have a few questions. Mind if I ask you a few?

Masked Editor: Shoot.

Scoop_McFanny: How did you get this job?

Masked Editor: I kept pestering Ira to let me help out with the Chronicles. He kept telling me no but one day he relented and here I am.

Scoop_McFanny: *chuckles* Ira, his name is Ira.

Masked Editor: If you are going to make fun of his name, can you do it on your time. The next Chronicles issue is due next Sunday. I have things I need to do and judging from your ability to interview, I suspect I will have to edit your article a lot.

Scoop_McFanny: Ouch. That was harsh. Anyways, what's so different about the Chronicles now that you're the Editor?

Masked Editor: The style first of all. Second, I'm calling on some of the old writers like Handsome and yes, even you, though I think I should have left you in the gutter where I found you.

Scoop_McFanny: Oh so you have jokes. Why are you wearing a mask?

Masked Editor: Why aren't you wearing a mask?

Scoop_McFanny: Do you think you're funny?

Masked Editor: I think you're funny looking.

Scoop_McFanny: Hey man! Woman! Thing! Do you want to take this outside?!

Masked Editor: Remember who signs your paycheck.

Scoop_McFanny: Right. Anyways, most folks would like to know your process of selecting articles for the Chronicles.

Masked Editor: Well, let me first say, if I don't have to edit your article much, chances are your article will be published much faster than others. For those who are lazy and don't choose to follow the rules of grammar, let's just say that their articles will be delayed.

Scoop_McFanny: How about those who don't speak English as a first language?

Masked Editor: You don't get to where I am without being able to tell who is fluent in English and who isn't based on their articles. For those folks, I would gladly edit their articles and put them in the Chronicles as soon as possible.

Scoop_McFanny: What types of articles are you looking for?

Masked Editor: *sighs heavily* Poems, reports on organizations, interviews, quotes, announcements, articles that makes folks laugh or cry (or both), advice columns (Handsome and Fruitcake have excellent ones), anything that shows off the talent of Urbanville's citizens.

Scoop_McFanny: Am I boring you?

Masked Editor: Were my signals not clear enough?

Scoop_McFanny: *sardonically* Well thank you for letting me interview you. So when should I expect to see this article published?

Masked Editor: When I feel like publishing it.

Scoop_McFanny: You don't have many friends, do you?

Masked Editor: I have one more than you do. This leaves me at 1 and you at zero. We could do this all day, but...

*stands up and walks away*

That was the end of the interview. For an ornery guy/girl/thing, I must say that the Chronicles are looking fresh! Heh, 80s slang. Mad props to the prior editor of the Chronicles and one prop to the current Editor.

This is Scoop_McFanny saying:

If it's news and it's hot you can expect me to beat the others to the punch!

Editor's Note: Maybe I would be nicer if I didn't have an idiot interviewing me.