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Issue 62

Dec 2, 2006

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>> Editorials
Ode to Shwolfs by Preston
Yo, Chica and Love_Child, give me a smooth beat. Sacred_Apollyon and Oswald_McFeff play me some guitar chords that will make any female melt. That’s right, like that. Lois and Sally, how about you both sit your pretty Shwolf selves down in the front. That’s how I like it.

*clears throat*

Walking with my Chica to our humble abode
I see many sights that make my heart want to explode
My mojo starts to flow into prowling mode
While my mind kicks in lyrics for this Shwolf ode

Shwolfs are drivin me crazy
From every battle I will flee
If I can get closer to thee
A Shwolf enthuse I will always be

Trying to decide which characteristic I like more
The sweet smelling blonde hair excites me to my every pore
The soft and gentle lavender eyes making my eyelids sore
Cuz I struggle to stop blinking, focused on what I adore

Shwolfs are drivin me crazy
From every battle I will flee
If I can get closer to thee
A Shwolf enthuse I will always be

Whether in English or Spanish I just need to say
I’ve been a Shwolf aficionado from the very first day
Aye mamitas pueden ser las estrellas en mi novella, okay?
These are my sincerest thoughts, I do not play

Shwolfs are drivin me crazy
From every battle I will flee
If I can get closer to thee
A Shwolf enthuse I will always be…

C’mon ladies you’ll never hear harsh words from me
I will carve our initials in a tree
Stay sweet…that is my only plea

*music begins to fade*
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Stolen from George Carlin - Comedian
A Time For Truth? From a Lawyer?
It pained me to read The_Legal_Eagle’s article on November 24, 2006. His title, although enormously inaccurate, was “A Time for Truth.” In this story The_Legal_Eagle (TLE), stated that I jumped “respected lawyer and his client out of the blue.” First, let me say, a respected lawyer? That is an oxymoron.

Initially, I was worried that the members of the Hustle Alliance were going to buy into TLE’s twaddle, but I was pleasantly incorrect. If you are looking for the truth, the LAST person to ask would be a lawyer, especially if he’s a lawyer for the Family.

It all began when I was invited to an assault by TLE and Maggot. My Hero senses were tingling, but I decided to join anyways. Hey, I’m a Hero. My life is all about saving people even if they are detestable and malicious. While keeping my eyes on the sludges, because I figured that they were my enemies, I was taken aback by one of Maggot’s stanks used on me! Luckily, I am used to that smell. I bounced back from the hit and I did my heroic duties. I even challenged TLE and Maggot to a battle. I figured since I’m very strong and they probably didn’t want to go one on one with me. In addition I figured that they would lose to a girl, so I gave them the upper hand. I knew victory was mine regardless…And I was correct.

TLE would like to get you to believe that I am some pill popping thug. He would also like for you to believe that I jumped him and that the Hustle Alliance is filled with pseudo-heroic members who waste their time pretending that they are enhancing the town of Urbanville through their good deeds.

I have one question for the intelligent readers of Urbanville:

If the Hustle Alliance is bad and the Family is good, then why do they need a lawyer? Especially a horrible one with traces of bird seeds on his breath?

It’s so sad when one’s arch-nemesis resorts to slander as his number one weapon. The real question is:

Who is telling the truth?

You be the judge.
GoatFist... weakening?
Sub-head: Goatfist shows signs of weakening as he tries, repeatedly, to beat down heroes, vigilantes and others, but fails.

Your intrepid reporter was strolling along the streets of Urbanville the other day when she happened upon a scene of mayhem. There were henchlings and heroes chasing each other through a row of buildings. Afroliscious Funk Daddy would appear in a window, only to be replaced, moments later, by a henchling running full tilt after him. Mighty Cowboy Guy, Blastoff Rocket Man, and Lunar Moonbeam Princess were also there. There may have been others, but they were moving so fast it seemed like there were several of each hero, so this reporter was unable to tell who was really there. I was fascinated by the action, and certainly curious. Who would win? What had started this battle? Were the henchlings planning some nefarious deed when the heroes interrupted their machinations? Did a horde of henchlings disrupt a heroes summit? We may never know.

The action had gone on for a short time when Goatfist showed up and began furious fisticuffs through the windows. Heroes were being knocked down at an amazing rate. It was terrible! It seemed like slaughter. Then this observant reporter noticed that the heroes were not suffering ill effects from the pounding they received at the hooves of Goatfist. Each of the stricken heroes reappeared in a different window almost immediately. At one point it seemed that they were taunting Goatfist. He was hitting them, but they weren't staying down. Is the mighty Goatfist weakening? Are the heroes overcoming the villains here in Urbanville? Inquiring Urbaniacs want to know.
The Black Room
I didn't know myself until Rulesmasher kidnapped me. It is a room where villains can put prisoners in after kidnapping them.
You have to own a cape to get out, therefore, it is hard for newbies and urbanians that are new or haven't got their cape
on to escape. Rulesmasher himself has not got a cape but he took mine and threw me in there. The point of the "Black Room"
is to drain his or her powers. The power is then transferred to urbos and voila! instant cash!
The "Black Room" (suiting it's name is dark and VERY dangerous) is a virtual nightmare. Everything you don't want to happen
happens. Only villains with capes or villains that capture people that have capes use this room.
Be very wary of news about this room.
Beware of the "Black Room"!
>> Top Stories
From the very beginning I thought that the UrboLympics were going to be tough…. I learned that practice (which I didn’t do very often) makes perfect…. If ONLY I had practiced a bit on GoatFist of Fury for that last event, I could have led The Vigilantes to victory….
Well, I would like to congratulate all of the teams and members of those teams!! AND a big thanks to Enaki and Sacred_Apollyn for setting the Urbolympics up!! 3 cheers for Enaki, S_A, and all of the teams!!!!!
Here are the final standings…
_GOLD - Funky Time- 97 pts.__SILVER - The Vigilantes- 50 pts.__BRONZE - Silent But Deadly- 26 pts.__CHROME - RenRaku Inc. - 21 pts.__PLASTIC - Tribunal! - 11 pts.

Once again, congratulations to everybody, and I’m looking forward to the next Urbolympics!!
>> Business
The terrible affliction which had disappeared for several months has returned, seemingly more violent then before.

New sufferers report of being encircled by mist then a sharp pain in their necks, followed by someone talking in a very bad Romanian accent, followed by either a bat appearing, or an 8 foot tall vbat shaped HellBeast.

Of course, the idea of that is totally rediculous, and has absolutely nothing to do with the reappearence of Carveus.

Nothing at all.


Also, in recent news, old German doctors have been found to be the root of all evil! Zoophagamy is the new in trend. And I'm in the market for 2 more Brides.

Applications in an Urbogram please.
>> Comics
Quotes swiped by DL:
Let The Royal Rumble Begin.... That works too Let Survivor Series Begin!-HBK WWE

Of course, I'm the number one scientific genius in the universe! But I'm not going to do it. That would be my standard answer, but for you I'm going to do it, because I really really like your enthusiasim. -Washu Hakubi Tenchi Series.
>> Politics
Puncher Files #4
The only Villain I fear
Age: 430 days
Gender: Male
Disposition: Villain
Known Identities :Soul, The Biggest & the Baddest,
Powers: Evil Eye, Ice Scream, Warp Drive
Weaknesses: None... that I know of.

Short History: *Shudders* Soul is maybe one of the most powerful villains besides Goatfist. If he wanted to he could take over Maggot’s spot in the Family, but for reasons unknown he doesn’t. So let’s go into Soul’s past alittle, shall we? Soul is a victim of wrong place, wrong time. After taking a fully charged Trigger Thumb to the chest during a Henchling vs Hero conflict. Soon after, he went to an underworld of sorts & made a deal with a devil. That deal was to corrupt souls so they can go to the underworld. Awhile later he joined The Family & the rest is history.. Blah blah.. But the rest isn’t history, Soul_Corruptor is a dangerous being who needs to be stopped. But with his power, who’s gonna stop him?