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EVIL CHEESECUTTER FLOATS GAS TAX RUMORS
City Officials oficially closed the often sketchy Blatts Restaurant after nearby Urbaniacs complained of broken windows, shattered street lamps, and an offensive odor. According to witnesses, the damage was caused by Cheesecutter who had indulged in the Blatts all-you-can-eat bean burrito breakfast special. "More powerful than a locomotive is right," said Terrible Erratic Bloke who witnessed the multiple eruptions. "I ain't never seen anyone fart a school bus through a plate glass window before."
"My daddy was a prodigious farter," Cheesecutter went on to add despite this reporter begging him not to, "and all he could ever do was scare the dog." he said as city officials nervously took him away.
Mayor DaMan denied rumors that the City was considering levying a new Gas Tax against flatu-felons. "We'd be the butt of every bad joke on late night TV."
EVIL VILLIAN STUMPED BY VIGILANTE BROTHER
Evil mastermind Shingo was brought to justice in a fierce rhythmical slap fight that had much of Urbanville clapping along. The shocking throwdown pitted Shingo versus his evil nemises Super_Shingo!
Chronicle reporters were able to track down Super_Shingo while he iced his hands after his victorious melee. "I saw my brother Shingo trying to wreak some serious havoc I decided that was the last straw!" After a wild chase through the streets of Urbanville, Super_Shingo finally caught up with his arch enemy, who also happens to be his BROTHER! "It started out with noogies and escalated into a fierce slap-off. luckily, I was able to overpower him and serve up some justice with a side TAKE THAT!"
Afro-Liscious Funk Daddy, who heard the melee had this to say "I thought it was a hand jive contest at first, then I thought they were doing some kind of new fangled pat-a-cake. I was glad to see it was a slap fight. No one likes a pat-a-cake-off!" Sassy Jungle Kitty who was woken up from her catnap added "forehand or backhand, those brothers pack a wallop."
MIXED-UP MAYOR PRESENTS HERO WITH QUICHE TO THE CITY
Big faux pas for Mayor DaMan today and in a related story, Mrs. DaMan chipped a tooth as she accidentally brunched on a handsome golden key. Luckily, glitzy vigilante Uncouth Tooth Fairy arrived on the scene just after 2:30 and saved the Mayor's wife from any serious embarrassment. In typical Uncouth Tooth Fairy fashion, he messed up her hair then sprayed too much perfume on her before rocketing off in his white convertible. Mayor DaMan responded with his sincerest apologies "I've been working around the clock and accidents happen. I'm just glad she didn't eat the meatloaf."