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Issue 151

Oct 18, 2009

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>> Editorials
October 18, 2009

Sup Urbanville!

Lucky you, ol' Masky is on a vacation doing whatever angry little men with masks on their face do when they are alone.  Do your boy a favor and keep all those thoughts PG, aight?

Since I'm chillin' in the Editors seat, let me ask a question, what's going on in Urbanville?  A brotha is gettin' kinda bored these days!  Is everyone caught up with the Urbowars?  It seems that the leaders of the most of the groups have been missing in action!  MrAnderson stopped by to say to his heroic homeboys/homegirls that he would be busy due to problems but that's all we seem to have.  The two lovely ladies of Funk-Ahhh-Delic ALT are very quiet and I'm sorry but can a brotha get a radio show?!  I know that kaniswind is fillin' in but yo, it doesn't help me forget that the two funkiest women are no longer taking control of the radio waves.  Holla at your boy and everyone else!  Diddoe, has anyone seen or heard from Diddoe and do the Nomads even have a leader?

Ya gotta let me know! The only news is the fact that our New Deputy Mayor is now the leader of the Family.  Looks like City Hall will have to keep an eye on this fool or else he'll rob them blind, but no offense brah...

Is it me or does no one seem worried about him being the new leader of the Family?  Aight, I'm going to stop startin' trouble, but yo, it's a legitimate question and perhaps someone can answer that for a brotha the next time the Chronicles drop?

Yo and as always, we need some stories up in here, Masky gets cranky when he doesn't have good articles to edit and junk, so how about using SOME of that Urbowars energy on the Arts?  That's right, I'm a Beatnik, fo' shizzle!

Holla At Your Boy!

Scoop McFanny

Let's check out the stories:

The Mistress of Funk scared of props?  For real?  Check out her article about props and curses!

Simon, the flingo of Hobbes, writes to Urbanville about a new discovery involving Vigilantes!  Yo, that flingo is funny!  Ya need to check out his article!

If you are wondering about what the rest of October will hold for Urbaniacs, Love Child has hooked us up with another Urbstrology!

We have some twisted super powers coming to you from one twisted sista!  Curious about what I'm talking about, well DarkAng3L's article will explain!

Speak of the devil, Dersarend is being interviewed by Summers in the first of many articles about his past and present!

The Curse of Props

 Props, something to celebrate or something to run away from on a daily basis?  You may think that the answer is simple, celebrate, but if you were me, you would know that the answer isn’t the latter.

Let me tell you why.

Once upon a time there was a girl named Afro Chic who hung out with her friends in Urbanville.  She was the sassiest Sassy Jungle Kitty ever and although she had a strong scratch, she was still somewhat weak.  Then one day Afro Chic went through a change and was given a job at City Hall.  This came with a few new perks and a white outfit.  To keep up with her new image, she began to workout hard.  This new lifestyle gave her  a stronger out look on life.  Thanks to her new strength, her world has changed drastically.

How you ask?

Well the props that she used to receive just because she was a cool individual became a way for people to see if she was actually free to battle.  One day after returning 5 props, she quickly received 5 battle requests.  On another day, after returning a prop, she received a request for free items.  Another prop return?  “Hey Affy, buy my item please?  I need the money!”  The gesture that once was used to celebrate her uniqueness has turned into a gesture that is only used whenever someone wants to request something.

Now I find myself staring at my props afraid to return them.  It’s not that I dislike helping anyone but I’m afraid that if I return all of them, then that means I’ll be cursed with many messages and invites that I don’t want.  I wish that I could go back to the days when a prop was just a prop, but I guess that won’t happen, ever.

So if you ever find yourself wondering, “Gee, why hasn’t Affy returned my props?!”  It isn’t because I don’t like you.  It’s because I’m cowering in a corner twitching. 

Keep it Funky,


Afro Chic

>> Top Stories
The Orange Scare: Vigilantes a Threat to Urbanville

A startling new piece as written by Simon the stunningly handsome and spiffertastic Flingo:

Preserving the retro and – Dare I say it? – “funky” culture of Urbanville has been a constant gripping struggle, complete with many testing trials and tribulations; a fancy way we intellectual Flingos like to infer that lots of bad crap has gone down on the streets over the years. Unfortunately for everyone, some problems have proven extremely difficult to flush away.

Vigilantes, for instance, are almost impossible to fit down a toilet bowl. Despite some members of the disposition suffering from constant verbal diarrhea, they have proven time and time again to be more solid and substantive than the sloppy logic and rancid gibberish that dribbles out their mouths. It is really quite a shame that the group to which legends such as Batman, Greg Saunders, the Seven Soldiers and Adrian Chase belong is crippling Urbanville with its renegade and amorphous presence.

Like Hobbes on a decisive day, Vigilantes are the fence-sitters of the Urbaniac world and offer no strong commitment to any one group. It is obviously easier to one day say, “Hey, guys. You know, being in the HUSTLE Alliance/Family/LoS is dumb. I think I’m gonna go join those other people.” If there are no consequences for leaving a group despite the loathing of whoever was just stiffed. That is not a real punishment considering both the HA and The Family have the bite and memory span of an elderly man with soggy dentures.

So, why not be a Vigilante? You can jump between groups without worrying about that nasty little fine required to change dispositions, the heroes and the villains will blindly accept you as if you’re actually helping their cause (Which you are not), you almost always get a nifty prize at the end of the month for the Urbowars and you almost have impunity to say things like, “I rUuLeZ!” Seriously. No one will say a thing about how much you just gouged their eyesight because they want you to help them beat up the big bad Sparkies.

My friends and – very possibly – my literate enemies, the vigilantes are robbing Urbanville of its much-needed violence. They are corroding the very core animosity between heroes and villains and both the HUSTLE Alliance and The Family fail miserably to recognize their own blunders in allowing vigilantes to participate in their respective organizations.

To date, The Family and the subordinate League of Shadows is unfortunately the largest structured organization in Urbanville, followed by the HUSTLE Alliance. Why then, do the villains not have a monopoly on the Urbowars? Why do we not live in Urbanvillain? Because villains are full of hot air. In September, the Vigilantes – despite not having any central group of their own – had accumulated approximately 4,092,000 points for the Urbowars, while the villains toddled along in second with 2,580,000, roughly a little over half what the vigilantes pulled off.

This trend is causing some very “unfunky” and unsettling problems all over:

1) Corruption: Members of the HA or Family/LoS become Vigilantes for the guaranteed prizes and still retain status in their respective organizations.

2) Apathy: The battle between heroes and villains has long ago been overshadowed by the pompous majority of disorganized vigilantes who inadvertently pull the rug out from under both other dispositions. Especially during the Urbowars. Your fellow vigi HA/Family/LoS members are scoring points for a disposition they are not supposed to represent. What is the point of heroes and villains fighting if they scrap around for second place?!

3) Lower Performance: With so much unidentified corruption and so few who care to do anything to change it, things have slowed down around Urbanville. No one wants training passes anymore. Just join the Vigilantes and you will win the Urbowars for the month. No one wants gear anymore. Just join the Vigilantes and you will win the Urbowars for the month. No one does assaults anymore. All players – except for the slim few – are too hesitant to venture against another player because they just join the vigilantes to win the Urbowars every month.

I simplify the matter, definitely. I could not expect you, dear reader, to understand the full complexities of this issue to the degree a Flingo can, but mildly note to yourself at this point that there are problems beyond anyone’s control that also contributes to the issue at paw. The HA and The Family must be taken to task for playing such a passive role in allowing the population of Vigilantes to balloon out of control.

Here’s a little excerpt from The Family’s official By-Laws:

Article II – Purpose

The Family and the L.O.S. are organizations comprised of Villains for the dedicated promotion of evil...

An organization comprised of Villains. Villains. VILLAINS. That by-law does not say, “We’ll take everyone ‘cept heroes, dudes.” It. Says. Explicitly. Villains. And I know for a fact that the higher you go in the Family, the less actual villains there are. I did my homework.

Of Family members in positions as Supervisors, only seventy percent are actually Villains. Higher, we have Superintendents. Only sixty-seven percent are of the villainous disposition. In the Family’s Congress body (The most villainous group of all and the highest-ranking evil warlord types before Dersarend, the new V.I.C and Deputy Mayor.), only sixty percent are Villains.

Even once high-ranking members of The Family recognize this trend as disastrous. Richmax, one of the most vile creatures to walk the Earth (Whom this Flingo admires with idol worship), stated upon his departure, “Since the new self-appointed leader of The Family is filling it full of weak inactive punces (Slang word for driveling idiots. Obviously he meant vigilantes. Obviously.), I have decided to go lone soldier styles.”

For the purpose of this article, reliable information involving HA members was more difficult to obtain. Villains had one mean secretary at one time and were not sharing with the Heroes. But I digress.

Da Hero’s Code, HA’s own set of rules states in its first article:

1.  Always be a hero ...

What does that mean? Obviously whatever a Villain is, do not be that. And your disposition should prove your commitment to being heroic by being turned to the “Hero” disposition button, right? I guess not in some peoples’ minds.

Alright. I am done. I just have a few quotes I thought I might highlight before making my final point:

Vigilante’s have their own law. It starts of with, “2 [*twitch*] me a Vigilante is a Vigilante.” – Diddoe

Genius. These are the minds that have taken over Urbanvigilante. And no “1” (*shudder*) can stop them.

Confirming my own fears, the general vigilante opinion on the fight between Heroes and Villains is “[Vigilantes] play both sides.” – Diddoe

Hear that, HA? Hear that, Family? The Vigilantes are playing you both like a two-stringed instrument. And the music is just awful. Get the Beatniks; they are the only ones who can help with music inclination.

And the fairly redundant, “Vigilantes will 1 [*shudder*] day soon dominate Urbanville.” – Diddoe

Well, actually Mr. Diddoe, if you view the entire disposition as one unit, you will see you do already.

The general opinion of Vigilantes in groups of assorted dispositions: “My dispo will always be Vigi no matter what happens. But I will add some Heroes to my assaults.” Thank you, Shadow Fighter. Basically what they are saying is, “I will never sacrifice a chance at the top prize, but I’ll always look out for the little people.”

Urbanville, the Vigilantes have you all in the grip of their dumb and disorganized clutches and they are paralyzing everything in the city from the Urbowars to the Swap Meet. Only if the HUSTLE Alliance and the Family demand its members conform to their respective dispositions - Hero and Villain - will the city be saved from this Orange Menace. To do otherwise would jeopardize the future of Urbaniacs and its petty feuds.

Make the Vigilantes feel the burn, Urbanville. They have lived off the fruit of your labors like a Roast Rump at a buffet table and all the Heroes and Villains need to do to stop this madness. Pressure them to joining your disposition or leaving your organization. In ancient tribal societies, the worst possible punishment conceivable for breaking the law was being forced to leave the pack. Such it is still today in Urbanville with the primitive lunkheads behind the wheels of the HA and the Family. I think this Flingo is going to join the Beatniks. At least when they jam it does not threaten Urbanville with annihilation.

Make me proud, Villains!

Your attractive benefactor,


Simon the prudent Flingo

For our own safety, Hobbes and I are going into hiding as to prevent being subjected to painful repercussions for daring to speak the truth on this dreadful, dreadful evil.

Oh. And while this article was being written, Dersarend appointed Rackman as Family Enforcer to baby-sit the little LoS tikes and police the entire organization.

Rackman is also not a Villain.

Editor's Note: The Villains are currently winning the UrboWars.

>> Comics

October is going to be a stressful month so it's important to stay grounded and focus on the present. From the 1st to the 16th, Mars conjoins the South Node in Cancer. This will cause emotional overreactions that spur us to act hastily and often irrationally. Use this time to determine the ways in which you are dependent upon others and take steps to gain control over your life. You don't have to be rescued by other people; you are perfectly capable of standing up on your own two feet!

Due to a moon wobble on the 18th, inner conflicts will arise from the 9th to the 20th. During this time of insecurity, instead of using others as a crutch, find your inner strength to achieve motivation and self-respect. You can get your life on track one small step at a time.

Jupiter goes direct in Aquarius on the 12th which will make helping others especially fulfilling. Answer those calls to assaults with extra enthusiasm, help out at the Chronicles HQ and volunteer at the Urbanville Soup Kitchen!

Saturn remains in Virgo until the 29th. Since it entered in September of 2007, everything that wasn't in perfect condition in our lives has been perceived by us as broken. Health, work and the structure of our lives have been under scrutiny. This is our last chance for a long time to organize the details of our lives in a way that will allow us to move forward in the most positive manner possible. So clean that lair, kick some henchling butt, and adopt the disposition that is true to your heart.

Although Saturn squares Pluto next month, we are already feeling the effects of it now. The desire for stability and the desire for change will come to a head which will likely result in financial conflict. Be cautious and conservative with money. Remember, the more urbos you have in the bank, the more interest you will collect.

This month's New Moon occurs early on the 18th, so use the daylight hours of the 18th to write down a maximum of 10 New Moon Power Day wishes that will help you achieve your goals and dreams. Since the moon will be in Libra, it's best to incorporate the themes of partnership, cooperation, teamwork and fairness in your wishes. For example:

  1. I want to find myself saying the right words to unite the Villains in a productive way for once.

  2. I want to inspire my sidekicks to act as a team to happily get their chores done; my chores too, while they're at it.  

  3. I want to find myself easily contributing to Urbanville society instead of sitting back and simply reacting to the hard work that others are doing to keep the site interesting.

Twisted Powers of Superheroes with a Bit of Humour

Multiplicity of Tricky Kicky Chick

Strength: She can smell mega-pungent odors with her super sensitive nose, but her copies are allergic to funny smells.

Vulnerability: She gangs up on herself with super dexterity and mighty power as her clones smell bad.



>> Business
Dersarend: Past and Present

Summers: I'd like to take the time to introduce a special person.  This person has not only became the newly elected Deputy Mayor, he is also leader of the Villains.  The one and only Dersarend.

Welcome Dersarend, it's an absolute pleasure to have you here today.

Dersarend:  Thank you sis, it's nice to be here.

Summers: What I'd like to do during our interview is start from the beginning and bring everyone up to the current date.  Is that alright with you?

Dersarend:  Ahh yes, to the day Urb changed forever. I'd be happy to re-live the past.

Summers:  To me it seems like only yesterday when you showed up here in Urbanville.  You started out as a Vigilante then incorporated being a Hero.  You've been known to be one who stirred up quite a few commotions during your days as a Vigilante/Hero.

Exactly what were you trying to prove back then?

Dersarend:  Well, when I first got here no one was fighting all that much. I was bored. I made things less boring for me and hopefully for some other folks as well. 

Summers:  As far back as I can remember, or that was logged, you worked hard to fight for the Heroes.  Do you remember the people of Urbanville saying you wouldn't last six months?  You pointed it out in; “Is this what passes for a HERO these days" column, that you surpassed the day.  What do you have to say to everyone now about that?

Desarend:  CrimsonKing lol! Yep I was going to be gone by June just a bad memory.  Lol, so here I am almost two years later. Every time someone beat me I worked harder to get stronger, when they tried to make me leave, I just became more determined to stay longer. I'm very much like a roach that way, hard to kill and a thick shell.

Summers:  Ok, now let's think back to when you called out the Villains.  Here is the following quote;

“Superman would be as bored as I am.  First of all, I didn't gloat. I congratulated you guys for showing up. I have a standing call-out to any Villains, anytime, anywhere in any combination.  And how can I be a bad Hero when there's nothing for me to be a Hero about lately? Heroism seems lame and pointless? Of course it does because we're not allowed to go and slap the crap out of someone because we THINK they're bad. We have to wait for them to BE bad before we can act.  As for not being a Villain? I'm not a Villain because I can't stand to sleep that much.”

Do you remember that day?  It seems that even back then a few people were asking you to become a Villain!  Yes, even while you were fighting on the Hero's side.

Desarend: Yep I remember that well, the only Villain who beat was J-TRANE. lol Oh he was rabid about that. I did what I set out to do; show people that you can fight and lose and still have won. Sure I lost a lot of fights but I won a lot of respect!

Summers: Wow there is so much more to go over.  I hope you were able to block out a lot of time in your busy schedule.

*To be Continued*