A startling new piece as written by Simon the stunningly handsome and spiffertastic Flingo:
Preserving the retro and – Dare I say it? – “funky” culture of Urbanville has been a constant gripping struggle, complete with many testing trials and tribulations; a fancy way we intellectual Flingos like to infer that lots of bad crap has gone down on the streets over the years. Unfortunately for everyone, some problems have proven extremely difficult to flush away.
Vigilantes, for instance, are almost impossible to fit down a toilet bowl. Despite some members of the disposition suffering from constant verbal diarrhea, they have proven time and time again to be more solid and substantive than the sloppy logic and rancid gibberish that dribbles out their mouths. It is really quite a shame that the group to which legends such as Batman, Greg Saunders, the Seven Soldiers and Adrian Chase belong is crippling Urbanville with its renegade and amorphous presence.
Like Hobbes on a decisive day, Vigilantes are the fence-sitters of the Urbaniac world and offer no strong commitment to any one group. It is obviously easier to one day say, “Hey, guys. You know, being in the HUSTLE Alliance/Family/LoS is dumb. I think I’m gonna go join those other people.” If there are no consequences for leaving a group despite the loathing of whoever was just stiffed. That is not a real punishment considering both the HA and The Family have the bite and memory span of an elderly man with soggy dentures.
So, why not be a Vigilante? You can jump between groups without worrying about that nasty little fine required to change dispositions, the heroes and the villains will blindly accept you as if you’re actually helping their cause (Which you are not), you almost always get a nifty prize at the end of the month for the Urbowars and you almost have impunity to say things like, “I rUuLeZ!” Seriously. No one will say a thing about how much you just gouged their eyesight because they want you to help them beat up the big bad Sparkies.
My friends and – very possibly – my literate enemies, the vigilantes are robbing Urbanville of its much-needed violence. They are corroding the very core animosity between heroes and villains and both the HUSTLE Alliance and The Family fail miserably to recognize their own blunders in allowing vigilantes to participate in their respective organizations.
To date, The Family and the subordinate League of Shadows is unfortunately the largest structured organization in Urbanville, followed by the HUSTLE Alliance. Why then, do the villains not have a monopoly on the Urbowars? Why do we not live in Urbanvillain? Because villains are full of hot air. In September, the Vigilantes – despite not having any central group of their own – had accumulated approximately 4,092,000 points for the Urbowars, while the villains toddled along in second with 2,580,000, roughly a little over half what the vigilantes pulled off.
This trend is causing some very “unfunky” and unsettling problems all over:
1) Corruption: Members of the HA or Family/LoS become Vigilantes for the guaranteed prizes and still retain status in their respective organizations.
2) Apathy: The battle between heroes and villains has long ago been overshadowed by the pompous majority of disorganized vigilantes who inadvertently pull the rug out from under both other dispositions. Especially during the Urbowars. Your fellow vigi HA/Family/LoS members are scoring points for a disposition they are not supposed to represent. What is the point of heroes and villains fighting if they scrap around for second place?!
3) Lower Performance: With so much unidentified corruption and so few who care to do anything to change it, things have slowed down around Urbanville. No one wants training passes anymore. Just join the Vigilantes and you will win the Urbowars for the month. No one wants gear anymore. Just join the Vigilantes and you will win the Urbowars for the month. No one does assaults anymore. All players – except for the slim few – are too hesitant to venture against another player because they just join the vigilantes to win the Urbowars every month.
I simplify the matter, definitely. I could not expect you, dear reader, to understand the full complexities of this issue to the degree a Flingo can, but mildly note to yourself at this point that there are problems beyond anyone’s control that also contributes to the issue at paw. The HA and The Family must be taken to task for playing such a passive role in allowing the population of Vigilantes to balloon out of control.
Here’s a little excerpt from The Family’s official By-Laws:
Article II – Purpose
The Family and the L.O.S. are organizations comprised of Villains for the dedicated promotion of evil...
An organization comprised of Villains. Villains. VILLAINS. That by-law does not say, “We’ll take everyone ‘cept heroes, dudes.” It. Says. Explicitly. Villains. And I know for a fact that the higher you go in the Family, the less actual villains there are. I did my homework.
Of Family members in positions as Supervisors, only seventy percent are actually Villains. Higher, we have Superintendents. Only sixty-seven percent are of the villainous disposition. In the Family’s Congress body (The most villainous group of all and the highest-ranking evil warlord types before Dersarend, the new V.I.C and Deputy Mayor.), only sixty percent are Villains.
Even once high-ranking members of The Family recognize this trend as disastrous. Richmax, one of the most vile creatures to walk the Earth (Whom this Flingo admires with idol worship), stated upon his departure, “Since the new self-appointed leader of The Family is filling it full of weak inactive punces (Slang word for driveling idiots. Obviously he meant vigilantes. Obviously.), I have decided to go lone soldier styles.”
For the purpose of this article, reliable information involving HA members was more difficult to obtain. Villains had one mean secretary at one time and were not sharing with the Heroes. But I digress.
Da Hero’s Code, HA’s own set of rules states in its first article:
1. Always be a hero ...
What does that mean? Obviously whatever a Villain is, do not be that. And your disposition should prove your commitment to being heroic by being turned to the “Hero” disposition button, right? I guess not in some peoples’ minds.
Alright. I am done. I just have a few quotes I thought I might highlight before making my final point:
Vigilante’s have their own law. It starts of with, “2 [*twitch*] me a Vigilante is a Vigilante.” – Diddoe
Genius. These are the minds that have taken over Urbanvigilante. And no “1” (*shudder*) can stop them.
Confirming my own fears, the general vigilante opinion on the fight between Heroes and Villains is “[Vigilantes] play both sides.” – Diddoe
Hear that, HA? Hear that, Family? The Vigilantes are playing you both like a two-stringed instrument. And the music is just awful. Get the Beatniks; they are the only ones who can help with music inclination.
And the fairly redundant, “Vigilantes will 1 [*shudder*] day soon dominate Urbanville.” – Diddoe
Well, actually Mr. Diddoe, if you view the entire disposition as one unit, you will see you do already.
The general opinion of Vigilantes in groups of assorted dispositions: “My dispo will always be Vigi no matter what happens. But I will add some Heroes to my assaults.” Thank you, Shadow Fighter. Basically what they are saying is, “I will never sacrifice a chance at the top prize, but I’ll always look out for the little people.”
Urbanville, the Vigilantes have you all in the grip of their dumb and disorganized clutches and they are paralyzing everything in the city from the Urbowars to the Swap Meet. Only if the HUSTLE Alliance and the Family demand its members conform to their respective dispositions - Hero and Villain - will the city be saved from this Orange Menace. To do otherwise would jeopardize the future of Urbaniacs and its petty feuds.
Make the Vigilantes feel the burn, Urbanville. They have lived off the fruit of your labors like a Roast Rump at a buffet table and all the Heroes and Villains need to do to stop this madness. Pressure them to joining your disposition or leaving your organization. In ancient tribal societies, the worst possible punishment conceivable for breaking the law was being forced to leave the pack. Such it is still today in Urbanville with the primitive lunkheads behind the wheels of the HA and the Family. I think this Flingo is going to join the Beatniks. At least when they jam it does not threaten Urbanville with annihilation.
Make me proud, Villains!
Your attractive benefactor,
Simon the prudent Flingo
For our own safety, Hobbes and I are going into hiding as to prevent being subjected to painful repercussions for daring to speak the truth on this dreadful, dreadful evil.
Oh. And while this article was being written, Dersarend appointed Rackman as Family Enforcer to baby-sit the little LoS tikes and police the entire organization.
Rackman is also not a Villain.
Editor's Note: The Villains are currently winning the UrboWars.