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Issue 138

Dec 10, 2008

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Issue 1

>> Top Stories
December 7, 2008
It is another edition of the Chronicles. Glad you are still reading them. There is a small population that claims they can do better than the Chronicles. I have yet to see that happen. Feh, I would actually like some competition right now. The Weekend Roundup Thingy is on its last legs. Soon we will bid farewell to them. Regardless of who comes around to give the news, the Chronicles are the only ones with staying power. If you wish to create your own news source, do it. See how time consuming it can be. Then maybe you will have respect for those who do it every 2 weeks. I might as well stop talking. Most of you do not have the IQ to understand me.

The following articles are in this edition:

Hobbes gives his opinion on LoD as a Forumologist.

Dersarend discusses his foolish nature.

J_TRANE pretends that Urbaniacs is the game of Life.

__kingz__ delivers a poem about all of Urb.

Poindexter offers a tip for those who wish to be evil.

Afro_Chic announces the winner of the FIRST Audio Rap Battle.

The Masked Editor
Widdle Angels
A message crafted by Doctor Richard Hobbes, unqualified expert Forumologist:

As we are all aware, the LoD is a villainous group that split from The Family and the LoS for reasons of frustration and dissatisfaction. When our jolly friend The Outlaw was busy crafting the foundation of this divisionary group, The Family and the LoS did everything in their power to encourage and respect the deserters’ independence:

“If I had a quarter!” Laughed the Family.

“I’ve seen a million of them!” Hooted the LoS.

“IT’LL NEVER LAST!” Chortled Goatfist.

“Why are they LoDs?” Asked the Hobbes.

But it did last. In fact, it’s been lasting for awhile. And while at last The Outlaw tentatively handed power over to Poindexter, the ridicule of The Family and the LoS did notlast. Because they all love the LoD and never actually made fun of them. Not once. Never happened. Nope. We all had a wave of mass-hallucination.

To clear their names, The Family and League of Shadows would like to say they would never ridicule their rivals. Besides, they’re too busy fighting amongst themselves to have any interest in other people. That’s The Family and LoS for you, always looking at ways to perpetuate implosion. Aren’t they just little darlings?

And being such good neighbours to their friends the LoD, they noticed when not one single member posted a message yesterday. Not wanting the LoD’s little ones to starve of boredom, The Family immediately assessed this moment of minute inactivity as a sign of weakness and immediately went over to help in a neighbourly, non-offensive and tasteful fashion.

“Are you still here, LoD?” Asked the dangling skeleton, “I don’t mean offense, but we all knew it couldn’t last, silly-dillies. Open invites to the LoS all around! I won’t force you to join the LoS, but come join the LoS immediately or else I’ll force you by force!”

The LoS sure is helpful. They’re willing to overlook their own problems to invent the problems of mildly more successful organizations. They’re such widdle angels that way. And tasteful, too! We should all learn from their example: if your enemy hasn’t posted something in the last half an hour, they’re fair game and you should try and recruit their members.

Heed the advice of Doctor Richard Hobbes! Expert Forumologist!
>> Comics
Fools Rush In: A Tale of Dersarend
OK, I have a slight problem. I always see the end result of a really big picture. The problem is I fail to see all the tiny steps you have to take to get to the end result.

When I showed up in the Villain\'s Forum and declared that I was taking over the job of Goatfist, there were a few things I didn\'t take into account. Like, say, oh, Goatfist not leaving. And maybe I overlooked the fact that I lack the power to defeat Goatfist and the fact that I\'ve irritated the villains to no end for almost a year now. Oh yeah, and the fact that no one else is privy to my vision of a glorious reign of Dersaness, unleashing villainy over the land.

Other that those minor details, it\'s a totally solid plan. Really.

Instead of that glorious \"Follow me to battle, and we shall conquer all!” I\'m in the League of Shadows, following a goat. Working my way up, hoping to someday be a Family member, so that I can continue to build power, until I can eventually take out the Goat. I hate waiting.

Life would be better if things could just go from my brain to reality. But, no. There\'s logic and rules and physics and stuff. Who knew being evil would involve so much paperwork?

At any rate, dear readers, I\'m looking forward to the day when I\'m sitting atop my evil empire, however long that is from now. Is this one of those long range plans that people talk about? I\'ve never had one of those before.
The Game of Life of Urb
What if Urbaniacs was a board game? What if Urbaniacs came out with a special edition of The Game of Life. In The Game of Life, you start off with the spinner in the middle of the board, and you have to choose college or start a career. In the Urb version you start as a vigi, or choose a better path, but forfeit winning the Urbowars. (Better than starting 40k in the red like the original) Now you choose career cards in the original, but in our version you have to choose Disposition.

Now if you choose nomad, you are done at this point. Why continue on.

If you choose hero... then you can spin again, but it doesn’t mean you have to move. Or do much else other than make it known that you were a hero.

If you choose villain, you can become leader of the group already and add a life card. And another, and another... and another for all the other leaders.

And if you are beatnik, you don’t play by the rules so just move to where ever on the board you want to go.

And what about some of the different places that would appear on the board?

Surfer Chick decides to adopt you as her mommy, collect one very pink peg!

Goatfist ghostrides your whip off the Just B. Causeway, I hope you had insurance. If not pay 10k.


Took a sip of Iron Pants drink, fall back to start to recover from Hangover.

Then depending on the how you rolled through the game you can either retire to CITY HALL or Water Treatment Plant/Burrito Factory.

So Urbs, how would you change your favorite game to make it more Urb-inomic?

Nurb Off,
>> Editorials
Urbaniacs Poem
Urbaniacs, what a great place to be,
Always something new weekly to see!
You have the Beatniks, Villains, Heroes, Nomads and Vigilantes,
Battling it out in the arena using Granny Panties!

The Beatniks are creative, fun and poetic,
Drawing in the gallery making it all aesthetic!
The Beatniks turn everything funky,
Chucking out everything which is junky!

The villains being evil-minded coming up with a plan,
Building up an army of LOS because the can!
They might hit Urb with something weird,
Trying to get other Urbs to get feared!

The heroes stroll around Urb keeping everything in place,
Keeping up in the urbowars giving a chase!
Teaching urbs to start off right,
But turning left will give them a fright!

Vigilantes come in numbers, too much to count,
Up the Urbowars in a mount!
They spread Urb doing so many things,
Doing many things as Urb brings.

Then there are nomads, not many around,
I know a few that hang round!
Then there is the ones that help most,
Affy is one encouraging urbs to post!

The mayor is great he set up the site,
Gave us a funky arena to fight!
Then there is the urbs, who make the site great,
Kiki is one a great mate!

All my homeys you know who you are,
This is a shout out to you your all stars!
Now bring funk to all of Urb,
Making Urbaniacs look superb!
Kingz :)
Tips for World Domination by Poindexter
Tip 1: Never underestimate the power of looking harmless for when you strike, they will be unprepared. Heh.
>> Business
The First Audio Rap Battle
Yo my funky Urbaniac citizens!

For those who are too square to listen to the Weekend Roundup Thingy, I am going to announce the winner of the First Audio Rap Battle!

Much props and respect goes out to G_kapitan! He will receive the homeboy trophy, the tp, and the loot!

Love_Child came in a close second. Poindexter and Sacred also earned enough votes to get them third and fourth place!

Hopefully this won’t be the last battle, but for those of you who missed the raps, here are the following links:





Thank you to all who voted! The winner of the sabers was Sykick!

Keep it Funky,

The Mistress of Funk!