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Issue 137

Nov 18, 2008

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Issue 1

>> Top Stories
November 23, 2008
Welcome to another thrilling edition of the Chronicles. I am the Masked Editor, but you knew that already. According to City Hall, I should ask if people would like a Thanksgiving edition. That means you all would have to write Thanksgiving stories. That is right; you will need to do the work. I guess that is a no to the Thanksgiving edition. Time for the stories:

Puncherjoe discusses his worth.

Summers posts a clue to her mystery.

Afro_Chic breaks down the Thanksgiving Rap Battles.

Rancid_Rawhide gives advice to a better Goatfist.

Handsome_UWhantme answers a question from Hobbes.

Finally, Hobbes graces us with another comic.
Disposition Diss-Crimination: A Necessary Evil
From the genius paws of Simon the Flingo:

If there is one thing the Declaration of Independence has proven, it’s that a piece of paper cannot protect an idiotic hero in the Villains’ Forums. It did however make a very absorbent hankie to mop up Hobbes’ big crocodile tears after the blithering baby came home crying a river of disses all over the floor. That mess will neverr come out of the carpet. Ever.

Now I’m not much of a lawyer – I don’t lie like a rug. Leave that to our DM – but I do know when morally ambiguous jargonish-junk repeats itself. Sometimes sitting on the wrong side of the bus is all it takes to make people go crazy! Sometimes posting on the wrong side of the forums is all it takes to make people go crazy! Similarities? Nah.

Let’s talk about tone. In other words, the manner by which one disposition speaks to another. Villains are called vermin. Heroes are zeroes. Vigilantes are the lazy majority who coast to easy victories, Beatniks are star-gazing, reefer-reeking hippy-wannabes and nomads have yet to earn enough members to be considered an individual group. These horrible and divisive stereotypes are being shot throughout Urbanville like airborne cans of worms. Under the fine leadership of DaMan, the malevolent tongues of every respected figure of influence in the city – and Goatfist too, I guess – are barbed with self-satisfying verbal lies they themselves believe, seeing the faults in other groups but not their own. Seeing their own victories and their enemies’ defeats. Seeing their disposition as the best and pouncing at any opportunity to prove their superiority. I just have one thing to say to people like DaMan, Goatfist, Afro_Chic, Dudeman, MrAnderson, J_TRANE, Richmax, Poindexter, Hobbes, The_Legal_Eagle, Summers, The_Masked_Editor, The_Outlaw, Diss_King and all you other discriminators:

I love you guys! *hugs them all*

Urbanville would be an averagely-dull American city without the lot of you. Heck, we’d probably move out of our seventies-eighties time-warp and start seeing some modernization! The horror! No longer would we have gas-guzzling station-wagons and tankitos, but little compact Japanese Civics and Mercedes SUVs! *gasp* Lead-coated toys from China. *oh-noes* A flailing North American auto-industry. *egad* Ear-damaging portable music devices! *bam* Urbanville would probably be renamed Georgetown and elect a middle-aged, grey-haired, conservatively tight-fisted mayor called Paul Smith to run the joint. Quickly, it would become a place where the police enforce the laws of the constitution and protect wimps like Hobbes, Johnny Law and the really obnoxious kids who make my eyes burn because of their rather grotesque visages. Didn’t their mothers tell them their faces would stick like that? And why do villains go around beating up children, anyway? Ah, well. I guess they need someone their size they can win against.

So let me give a call out to all of you horrible people. The next time you see a hero waltzing down the villains’ streets, don’t just diss them, call them a threat to the villainy way of life and treat him or her as such. Then diss them. Beatniks, the next time someone calls you a reefer-reeking hippie wannabe, make a humiliating picture of them for the Art Gallery. When you call a Vigilante lazy, be prepared never be accepted as one of them. Never, ever. And if you’re a hero, *rips off a piece of the Declaration of Independence* here. Have a tissue to wipe up that pile of broken dreams you left on the floor after you came fourth in last month’s Urb-O-Wars battle.

Keep up the good work! Seriously, let’s keep this place happening and disposition-discriminating, unless you all want Urbanville to become as exciting as beige paint. Georgetown. Get your average on.

Come on, people! Why build bridges when they’re crying to be burned?!

Platonically your pal,

Simon the eloquently articulate Flingo

Oh yeah, and HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, AFRO_CHIC! I’m sorry about the cake. Preston and I were on a deadline and it was the last one in the store...
Important Urbanville Mystery Clues
I am sitting here looking at a computer screen, wishing that my information would just pop up. Go figure, I’d have to save all of my stuff to a memory stick for someone to steal it. I could have just left it in the archives and not be going through this. Now if I could just think of who would be so upset about me not finishing an article on them?

Nearby on the Urb channel a new release is being held. Detective 1 takes the podium.

“Ok, everyone calm down! I’m grateful that you are all here tonight. We have a few descriptions to give out. Now remember if you spot this person you should let the authorities know. Don’t go trying to be a hero and tackle the person on your own. He stands roughly at 5 feet 5 inches tall. He was last seen wearing Disco Slacks and Fly Red Slides Shoes. If you have any ideas who this might be please contact the Urbanville Chronicles or the Police Department.”
>> Business
PuncherJoe Is Not For Sale
Recently, in the last few months, I’ve noticed a disturbing little trend among the newer urbs. That trend is “Beg PJ for his gear, even when he says ‘no’...Then get dissed.” I know for a fact this is happening to other Urbs. Sometimes I ask myself: “Punch...What did your generation of Urb have the beggars didn’t have?” It took me five sandwiches to come up with an answer. You see the people who beg and plead for the latest cash item never had to work to build up the urbos for an Urbo-Saber. They don’t even know what an Urbo-Saber is. Sad, I know, but I realized something. Did you know that when you feed a lost dog, or a teenager, they keep coming to you for more food? If I’m not feeding the beggars, there has to be someone who is. There has to be some Urb who planted the idea that the rest of the Urbs would give away their sidekicks or shields if pressed hard enough. My only words to those Urbs are, “Stop. Just Stop.” You may think it’s a way to make a quick Urbo, but the rest of us like our gear. Look, I’m not saying stop giving to the Newbies! They can play abit of the Ol’ Roof Ruckus. It’ll put hair on their backs!

I’m just saying, if you are giving to the beggars, you’re making it harder for the rest of us. To the beggars, if you keep...begging, I will go Teenager crazy and show you why they call me Puncher. And yes Affy, there’s a different crazy for different ages. Point is you may be for sale, but I’m not.

I guess this is the part where I say “This is Puncherjoe, and I’ll see ya when I see ya” But I just don’t feel like it.
Thanksgiving Rap Battles
What? What’s that? You want to enter the Thanksgiving Rap Battles but you don’t have a way to record your voice?! Well, all it takes is a microphone and a program that records! One of the best ones that I like and that is free is Audacity. It’s the program that J_TRANE and I use for the UrboCasts!

Err? You want a funky beat but you don’t know where to find one? Well, legally, you can go to iTunes. The beat that I used from my rap came from there thanks to my days as a radio deejay.

Huh? You want to do it but you’re scared about what others will think about you? Who cares?! They don’t know you!! Pfft…Grow a pair and get those raps in!

Eh? You want to hear the competition? Check out the Weekend Roundup Thingy shows 13 and 14! Pretty soon show 15 will have more raps!
Uh? You want to know more information about the raps?! Check out the Weekend Roundup Thingy shows 13 and 14 for more information!

Until then, clear out those throats and get your rhyme on!
Keep it Funky!

The Mistress of Funk
>> Politics
The 3-step behavioral guide to becoming a better Goatfist
Dear Goatfist,

Yes it is your smelly, rough skinned, massive sized elephant here. First thing is first. May I state that, I sir, have a problem with your behavior? Though you do have your “Nice Goatfist” side, we hardly ever see it. Everyone knows the key to fixing your behavior is admitting you have a problem, but I, an un-experienced psychiatrists in behavior and emotions, have developed (with a team of Urb researchers, who are also untrained in this field) a 3 step behavioral guide to get you in tip top shape!

Here is a list of things you will need to begin your journey of becoming a better barnyard animal:

A pin (To deflate that head of yours, of course)
A padded room, equipped with a mattress and straight jacket (hmmm cozy)
A sock Puppet (you’ll learn to become friends with it)

Step one: Take the pin, carefully aim it towards your head, and deflate it. You should get some feeling of drowsiness, but don’t worry, it’s all suppose to happen. When you wake up you will feel as free as a Flingo on sunny day, flying through the Urbanville meadows. You will start to notice that you don’t shout out phrases such as “Bow before me,” “Be gone,” or “Go EAT HAY!” That’s the deflation tactic kicking in. You will start to think more about your fellow villains than yourself and maybe fill a small symptom of F.G.O.C. It’s what we like to call Funk Getting Out of the Closet. You will start to feel free and more sensitive to your surroundings. Remember, it’s all part of the process.

Step two: You will be admitted into the Urbsane Asylum, a locally funded center for Urbs who have had symptoms of dissfunkitis. You will then shortly be put into a padded room, where you will not be able to commit any harm upon yourself, the straight jacket will help further this process. Suspected breakdowns may occur. Hallucinations may occur, such as seeing Mayor DaMan, Afro-licious Funk Daddy, and a Game Buddy sidekick. Don’t fear though, they are all in your head. These hallucinations may represent (subconsciously) a person or sidekick that has actually stood up to you. After you have gone through this required stage, you will move onto your next step.

Step 3: You will need your Sock puppet. Within this step you will undergo MANY vast changes in personality and emotional behavior. The first thing you must do is name your sock puppet. You should choose a name that makes you comfortable and you’re not afraid to say. We at the researching center suggest you name it Bleat or Diss. These are things you often say and have no problem with professing to others. You should sleep with this sock puppet every night. You will build a bond with this certain named piece of cloth. Eat with it, play with it, and enjoy its company. This will teach you that you can be sensitive to others and you shouldn’t have any shame in doing so.

Remember, we are not professionals, so our words should be taken in high regards and you should try hard to fulfill each progressive step. You will notice signs of generosity, funkiness, and heck, even humility. But remember our main goal here at the research center is to get whatever stick you have shoved up your behind, REMOVED.


>> Ask Handsome
Bleating Affection
Dear Mr. H,

This is frightfully embarrassing but I’m certain you have much wisdom in repelling unwanted affection. Would you shed onto me your knowledge of such a topic like skin flakes of ultimate wisdom? Er, um ...

You see, for several weeks I have been camping in the Office of Goatfist. On the first week, I asked a question and Goatfist said I had a valid point and that I was a “threat to the dimwitted drones of his forum.” On the second week, Goatfist asked if I was sticking around for a drink. After work. Alone. With him. On the third week, after I asked why he hated trains or something, he said he felt I needed to settle down with a half-human half-animal. This comment disturbed me more than the time I posted in a villain thread and got fecal matter thrown at my person as a result. Simon made a good shield from the vile projectiles, but one more word from me to Goatfist and I think Mr. G just might pop the question!

What do I do? I think I’ve caught the eye of the world’s most voracious animal, and I don’t mean the Masked Editor when he’s stabbing the life out of Affy and J_Trane’s UrboCasts. You gotta help me with my goat problem, Handsome! I’m scared of turning him off, but I fear I’m turning him on! Do you have any advice, Mr. Narcissistic Writer, sir?



Dear Hobbes,

Handsome understands your predicament. Everywhere Handsome goes the Ladies throw themselves at me and why not? Handsome treats his Ladies right. It seems to Handsome that Goatfist would like to inject you with barnyard fever and that makes Handsome sick to his stomach. In order to reverse the animal’s liking for you, you must step into the shoes of the wingman. The purpose of the wingman is to seduce, occupy, and leave once your homeboy seals the deal. The last thing you want is for the reject to become clingy in Handsome’s opinion but if this does happen, listen to Handsome’s advice.

First, if Handsome is in this situation Handsome will come up with many excuses to not see the Lady. One of Handsome’s favorite line is, “Hey Sexy Lady, Handsome would love to see you but Handsome has a case of food poisoning thanks to the fish he had last night.” After hearing this line for the 4th time, the Lady will stop contacting you.

Second, when a Lady has a low self-esteem if you give her your real number she will call that number until you give in and call. Handsome suggests that you give the wrong number. This way, if the Lady calls and realizes that it is the wrong number, she will realize that you are not into her.

Finally, if Handsome runs into one of these non-attractive Ladies he will ignore them when they greet Handsome. Handsome knows that this is cruel but it gets the point across that Handsome is too pretty to be dating someone like that.

Heed Handsome’s advice and apply this to Goatfist. Once you’ve gotten through the final step he will know that you are too good for him and like any disgustingly unattractive woman that seems to think that she deserves to be with you, he too will leave you alone.

Who’s your Daddy, Hobbes?

That’s right, I am!

Handsome U. Whantme
>> Comics
Sidekickology 3: The Musical!
Click Here!