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Issue 126

May 25, 2008

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>> Top Stories
L.A. Roller Derby Interview
I recently had the chance to sit down and talk to one of the newest Urbaniacs, and more importantly an Urb-sponsor. Feh! Like you really care. Either way, listen and learn.

M_E: What is this Roller Derby anyways?

LADD: A roller derby match is composed of two teams of five players each: four blockers and one jammer. Points are scored when a jammer breaks through the pack, races ahead to rejoin the back of the pack, then attempts to jam through once again scoring a point for each opponent passed. The jammer has 60 seconds to score. The game consists of two halves, each half has two 12-minute periods. Thus, a blocker will try to knock down or get in the way of opposing blockers to help their own jammer score as well as trying to knock down the opposing jammer. A jammer is also allowed to knock down the opposing jammer if they need or want to. You can also see video of what we do all over youtube and on our main page at

Roller Derby is currently the fastest growing women's sport across the nation. At least one team can be found in each state across the U.S. as well leagues springing up internationally. You can find links to several of sites of our derby brethren on our links page at

M_E: A Question from Handsome - How may fine ladies make up a team?

LADD: There are 15 players on each team, 5 will play each jam unless there was a penalized player from the jam directly preceding.

M_E: Feh, Handsome would as a question like that. GoatFist wanted to know where he can see you whoop some butt at, serving it to the, and I quote, "Lolly Licking Losers" ?

LADD: Currently we play at the Doll Factory in Los Angeles, located at 1910 Temple St.

M_E: Who can get involved?

LADD: Anyone who has the guts to. Currently you have to be 21 and older to join Freshmeat. We provide the gear, you provide the attitude.

This summer we are offering a Jr. Roller Derby Camp for girls ages 9-17. No skating experience is necessary, we will teach you how to skate and then how to knock people down on those skates. If you are interested you can check out our myspace page at

and direct any questions to [email protected]

M_E: I appreciate your time, and can say I was startled to see that you laid out Handsome in the hallway with one punch. Feh. He needed it.
Righteous Rachel Shakes Surfer_Chick's Pink Dreams
When this smooth reporter laid his sexy hazels on Righteous Rachel, one name came to his dome, Afro_Chic. Is it me or does she look like the direct offspring of the Mistress of Funk? The apple doesn't fall far from the funk and Righteous Rachel carries the physical looks of Ms. Chic while her cranky demeanor reminds a brother of Iron_Pants. So the real question is, who is Afro_Chic's real daughter?

I needed to know so after disguising myself as a nurse, I slipped into Urbanville's top hospital to investigate. What I found shocked me to the core and could change Christmas in two different cribs. Rachel and Surfer were both born at that hospital. The same day. The other couple carrying a bundle was none other than Jenny and Johnny Law. Yup, ya heard it here. That night Johnny and Jenny were also having a baby.

As a reporter, a brother must say that there wasn't any records of younguns being switched at birth but if you got two eyes and common sense you can see who belongs with whom. It doesn't take Maury to tell a brother who's the father and mother of each child!

It is 10 o'clock. Are ya sure you know where your kids are? Afro_Chic and Iron_Pants don't and that's fo' sho!

Holla at your Boy!

>> Business
Urbowars: Pick Your Side!
Urbowars, is it just a game or time for the lines to be drawn? With the promise of a monthly prize the leaders of individual groups are asking their members to change their disposition. Gone are the days when each group allows their members to the freedom to choose their own. Now if you refuse to side with your group, you might find yourself out on the street or the subject of ridicule. That's just in the Family.

The real question is, once the month of May passes, who will be the legitimate winners in June? In addition, with all the pressure of changing one's disposition, will the Urbowars be responsible for a massive disposition exodus? Only time will tell!
Funk ALT Ad
The Funk Chronicles

Click the picture to see the actual size.
>> Comics
Stick It! Big Dogs?
Kingz's jokes!

Hey Urbaniacs, I thought that Urbaniacs needed something else added to the Chronicles so I want to add a few jokes!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Atch who?
I'm sorry I didn't know you had a cold

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Armageddon who?
Armageddon getting out of here!

If you have any jokes you want to share with the whole of Urbanville send me them and I'll put them up and :'ll say who they are from. ;)