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Issue 104

Sep 15, 2007

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>> Editorials
Yet Another Editorial
It's a new week my little Tweedle Dees and Tweedle Dumbs and we have the Villains pulling a power play in the town that they seem to have renamed Urbanvillain. Somehow they've gotten The Frizzed Freaknik to agree to sit back for a month. Must be tired from all that tree hugging she's been up to. I really wonder how they got her to sit back on her laurels, while they ran rampant around town though.

There is a new rap battle, which is really surprising. Not in the fact that there is one, but just the fact that more than one of you can string together complex sentences and actually make them rhyme. Course any geek can make every other line rhyme I suppose IF they can get through the complexities of Cat in the Hat.

I also see the serial killer is back on the loose once again and I got to hoping against all odds that he finally hits Scoop and Handsome. Those two losers seem to have added another unoriginal writer to the staff stealing my infamous name. "The Masked Movie Editor," how original. How do they come up with this drivel? And why oh why would you citizens allow it to take place? I guess anything will keep you entertained enough to not notice the obvious. Though a twit who can barely string together a sentence isn't entertainment at all, it's torture and it's pathetic. Me in a movie theater, why I would be seen interacting with Urbanville citizens? That's like me calling you all my friends. It's wonderful when an idiot tries to gain popularity by challenging you to a battle of wits. It's more wonderful when that person is witty. Pretend that you are smart and quit while you're far, far behind. But, I digress.

Oh yes, and how could I forget the constant howling and yammering about when is this going to happen and when is this coming out? Let’s not ignore the whimpers of "I’m bored. The forums are boring. Nobody battles anymore." Even if everyone got what they wanted, it matters not; someone will always be looking for more, asking for even more and coveting what they don't have. Greedy lot you are. Always wanting, wanting...Wanting.

And with that constant reader I'll leave you wanting more. For next week, we will explore the dark underside of what makes the Mayor's winning smile.

Or maybe you'll just get another grumpy rant.

It's not like you care. I don't. Feh.

The Masked Editor
>> Top Stories
Laws like Me

Johnny and Jenny Law...A thorn in the sides of the Vigilantes, Villains, and even the Beatniks, but what goes on when they go home? Sure there are millions of Johnny and Jenny Laws, but I decided to just check out one couple. You know to get a feeling of what they talk about, how they relax, if Jenny knows that her skirt is indecent.

As much as my curiosity bothered me, I knew what I had to do.

That’s right, I had to dress up like Jenny. Well as best as I could. Preston suggested that I paint myself white, but I decided to go as a “new” Jenny Law. No scratch that, I decided to go as Jeniqua Law. So I slicked my afro back into a bun and stared at the shirt, skirt, and high heel shoes sitting on my bed. Preston laughed while I groaned, but it was something that I had to do, so I put them all on. Let me tell you, that skirt is only made for walking slow and standing REALLY still and don’t get me started on those heels! Every step hurt! Don’t forget that I love to rock flip flops so being on my tip toes wasn’t kosher. How women do this all the time, I just don’t understand!

I wobbled my way through Urbanville looking for Laws to follow and befriend. I found a Johnny and Jenny Law planting flowers outside of DudeMan’s lair. Smart. I straightened myself out and walked up to them.

“Hello Johnny and Jenny,” I said in a stoic voice removing all emotions from my eyes and all sass from my aura.

“And you are,” Jenny said peering at me. She looked me up and down before saying, “Nice outfit.”

“You too,” I said without cracking a smile or a frown because honestly, it was too cold to be standing out there in that stupid skirt!

“What is your name,” Johnny sneered and threw down a rose.

“Jeniqua Law,” I said calmly and sneered back.

“There isn’t a Jeniqua Law,” Jenny said and placed her gardening sheers down.

“There is now,” I said never taking my eyes off of Johnny who was staring at me.

“You look familiar,” Johnny said and stepped closer to me.

“You have not been authorized to enter into my personal zone. Please remove yourself or face the consequences,” I said coldly and glared at him.

“She’s one of us,” Jenny said, “Besides, it’s Friday. They always induct new Laws on Friday. Why are you here?”

“To shadow you two until I receive my own Johnny,” I replied.

“Well we’re done planting flowers out here and I’m hungry so let’s go home. I’ll cook us a wholesome meal,” Jenny said.

So I followed them, observing their every movement. I saw Johnny help someone’s grandmother cross the street, Jenny saying hi to people only to get challenged to battles. That is until we made it to their house.

“Wow you guys live in a mansion,” I asked unemotionally.

“We all live in a mansion,” Johnny said creepily and gave me a smile that almost made me claw the crap out of him right there. They led me inside. Did you know that every single Johnny and Jenny Law lived in the same house? Well they do! Everything was a hospital white. It reminded me of a cult where no one had their own name. They went around calling everyone “Johnny” or “Jenny.” I doubt everyone of them were born with these names. They looked at me weirdly because I was literally the kid that Sesame Street used to sing about when they sang, “One of these kids is doing their own thing, one of these kids is not the same.” The creepier part is everyone still looked the same. No one changed their outfits. I was in Hell...and Hell had me wearing a mini-skirt with high heel shoes.

“Oh you’ll get used to it,” Jenny tried to reassure me, “Though you’ll need to practice your stance. Come on, do what I do.” I placed a growl on my face and put my arms out as if I was going to attack someone. I spread my legs until I got the little mark on my skirt that we the older Urbaniacs used to wonder about when Jenny first appeared on the scene. I was doing fine until...

“What just happened to her?!” Johnny said and ran over to me.

“She fell, in her heels,” Jenny said dryly.

So a sistah is a little clumsy in heels. So shoot me!

“Do you know how I know you’re not a Law,” I overheard a Johnny say to another.

“How?” He asked.

“Because you think being a Beatnik is cool.”

“Oh,” the other Law said, “Hey do you know how I know you’re not a Law?”


“Because you think touching grandmothers is exciting.”

“Ha, do you how I know you’re not a Law?”


“Because you think Afro_Chick is cute and you would rather hang out with her than your Jenny!”

“CHIC,” I cried out, “CHIC, CHIC, CHIC, CHIC, CHIC!”

They all looked at me, so you know what happened next right?

I did the one thing a Beatnik impersonating a Law could do...

I growled and said, “I abhor mispronunciations as much as I abhor Villains, Vigilantes, and BEATNIKS!”

“She’s going to fit in just fine,” Johnny said, “But it’s time for you ladies to get into the kitchen. It’s dinner time and I’m starving!”

“Well then walk your legs into the kitchen and make your own dang food!”

There was a gasp. Darn sass! It’s hard to control sometimes! He woke up my inner feminist that sleeps until a male says something sexist.

“I don’t know what happen,” I heard a Johnny cry, “All I did was help her grandmother cross the street! Then the next thing I know it, all I saw was hair.”

“Oh crap,” I thought.

“Then I got clawed! And it hurt! She clawed me for 1000 hit points! Stupid Beatnik!”

“Who did it,” his Jenny asked while fixing his wounds.

“It was Afro_Chic!” He cried out.

I blushed.

“Wait,” the injured Johnny said and walked over towards me and whispered, “Afro_Chic?”

That was it. I ended up clawing a few Johnnys and made my way out of there before one of them could stun me! Man, talk about a close call!

You would think I was done now, but no. There will be another story next week! I think I'm onto something there! *smiles*

The Urbanville 12: Part 5
New week, new clizzue!

Yo, here be da logistics:

1. Your clues will be located in the same issue that I introduced the next killer, aight?

2. Once ya win, back down for 3 rounds homey!

3. If you’re caught cheatin’ (and I can check) you are out like da jheri curl!

4. Each of the Urbanville 12 will have 4 victims. Help us catch them before they get to number. If ya win, they get caught. If ya don’t win, they go free, unpunished.

5. Remember to win the tp you have to be the first person to drop the name of the Urbanville 12 AND their theme killings.

6. First place winners and the 3 runners up will be posted in da Chronicles.

Do it for the safety of Urbanville. Do it for the +25 training pass or the 10,000 urbos! In da words of my favorite kicks, Just Do It!

The Urbanville 12: Part 5: Clue #1

Yo, operators are waitin' for you to guess the right answer!

The Urbanville 12: Part 5: Clue #2

Dis +25 tp is burnin' a hole in my pocket!

The Urbanville 12: Part 5: Clue #3

Drizzle the rizzle clizzle and you'll get a +25 trainin' pizzle!

The Urbanville 12: Part 5: The Results

>> Comics
Rap Battle

Click me

Artwork by Afro_Chic

Flingo Flango

Flingo Flango, the most 'Scary Movie The Masked Editor' has ever seen!

Afrolicious Funk Daddy

Security Camera

Well, the movie was good, but I was easily distracted, when guess who showed up to the movie with his Mummy Pumpkins (I think that’s what he called her), the Masked Editor. I don't think he saw me; he was too preoccupied with cuddling his mum. The best part of the movie was when Goatfist showed up, and that’s when the Masked Editor's "act" began.

The Masked Editor started to cry when the Flingo became a Flango, and in the end he had to sit on his mums lap. Half way through the movie, Masked Editor (oh wait) Masty Pasty (what his mum calls him) had to leave. In the end I had to watch it again to actually not get distracted!

Flingo Flango- **** 4 stars out of 5
Masty Pasty (Masked Editor)- ********** 10 out of 5 stars!

Next week, for something different Rump Ruckus!
The good, the bad and...Everything in between

Good news: 8 out of 10 Urbaniacs heard about the Super Power which screams ice.

Bad news: Sweet love songs melt this super power like the sun melts the ice-cream.

>> Business
Gallery Spotlight
"Lunar" by OGRE

The Gallery is back up. It's time to vote and submit your art! Remember, these artists have put their hearts into their work so chill with the hate and just congratulate!