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Issue 103

Sep 9, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Editorials
Brutally Honest
I mentioned this a couple issues back and thought since most of the cretins here can't deduce things for themselves I'd lend a helping hand. That same helping hand who slaps you back into reality when you try to embattle me with your wits, or lack thereof.

Brutal honesty. Like the dish I serve when I tell you about the whining and crying most of you do when your panties are bunched up. I mention Heroes and "wah, wah, wah," they come running. How DARE I? How dare I indeed. All they have is some old gasbag in the wind with his antiquated phrase and some frizzy haired chic holding it all together. They remind me of little ants, insignificant ants, running around doing nothing all day but scurrying back and forth.

The Vigilantes are using an already once used gimmick to get people to buck up. "Get active. Go out and DO something." Don't make me laugh harder than I already am. They have a self-proclaimed messiah but always a naysayer as well saying, "I'm no leader, BUT if you people don't get it together, I'm leaving. It's been a fun ride but I'm getting carsick." Didn't that same frizzy haired thing use that ploy once already in the H.A.? Worked there, let's see what it does for the Vegis...errr. Vigis.

Oh yes, we can't forget the all-powerful Villains of the city. Mysteriously, it's like there's a black hole right above the crowning glory of leadership there. You're made leader one day and the next day you're suddenly sucked out of site, never to be seen again. Maggot, R.I.P., has an excuse, but what of the others? Oh and then there's that mouthy little brat they have attempting to run their understudies. Pardon my error, ruin their understudies. But like their recent leader who disappeared, DarkestHour’s manpower isn’t strong enough to keep up with his mouth. It’s almost like he has oral diarrhea, but if he keeps his mouth shut every now and then, it will eventually heal. We all know that won’t happen. Does everyone enjoy nonsensical tripe? It doesn’t matter it’s all he knows.

Brutal honesty, don't we all just love it until it touches us? Me, I couldn’t give a care what everyone here thinks or says of me, I'm the one constant. Always here. Always delivering what you wait for week after week. Always being...brutally honest. Get used to it. Get over it. Or get yourself a new editor. It doesn’t matter to me...feh.

Masked Editor

P.S. There seems to be a lack of creativity in Urbanville. The Masked Movie Critic, eh? Hmph, how about some originality in your name? A little creativity will give you a better name and better articles. You sicken me.
Why? (By Preston B. Wereboy)
Yo Family!

Why y’all punishin’ a wereboy? What did I do to you? Yea, so what I stole some burritos and crap but on the real, why y’all hatin’? Uh, can’t ya do somethin’?! Do some crimes! Create HAVOC! What do you guys do over there in the Burrito Factory?! Get off your backsides and do something evil...

She’s DRIVIN’ a brotha crazy! These “Like Me” series will send my fine hairy body to the psychologist office! Yo, she’s only doin’ this crap cuz she’s bored and she’s bored cuz the Villains’ be trippin’!

What I gotta do? Do I gotta beg? Nah, I ain’t the type to beg but yo, what if I offered to kick in the burritos that I stole from those chump henchlings? I’ll even kick in my allowance!

Wasn’t GoatFist in town not too long ago?! What the dilly yo? Crime usually increases once he visits! What did he do now? What? He read y’all a bedtime story and tucked y’all in instead of workin’ y’all into a crime creatin’ frenzy?


She’s gonna make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here! Yo, I gots to bounce, she’s plannin’ her next story for next week!

Y’all are a bunch of suckas! Fo’ shizzle! The word of the day is CRIME...GO DO IT!

Catch y’all on the Urb side,

Preston B.
>> Comics
The good, the bad and...Everything in between

Good news: 3 out of 10 Urbaniacs have one or more RIDES in their garages.

Bad news: The rest of the Urbaniacs are mad because they don't have a license.
Gossip Column

What funky junk is happening in Urbanville?? Juicyfruit or "Mama Love" is here to tell you!! Perspiring minds want to know!!

(Please note...these are rumors NOT fact...but they could be dissing me because of my creative genius :P I am not here to protect the innocent hehe... Just telling it from my lil Juicy perspective.

Been a busy month so had to wait to hear the some stuff coming down the pike, but I've heard enough and had to send it out!


I just saw my first cat fight between Cat_Cougar and Afro_Chic in the disco room. Good thing that Affy was so much stronger or Cat would have clawed her for don't know what could have brought out that kind of reaction... so I sprayed kitty spray in the room to calm the felines down lol...Including Recluse Tigress who seemed to enjoy the effects O_O lol (catnip in a can...kitties love it!) LOL For some reason I was affected by the spray too...I guess there is a little kitty in all girls lol


Rackman?!? he is an e-ticket ride! If you are ever at the Java Cafe, clear the drinks from the bar..grab some oil and rack and ENJOY! lol (make sure you put some bean bag chairs at the end of the bar though, hehe)


Oh yeah, really weird forum convo which seemed to say that Affy (Afro_Chic) has a bunch of: (1) dust bunnies, (2) DarkestHour and (3) a melting goddess_de_nocturne under her COUCH and it's supposedly running amuck with diseases lol...And DarkestHour and jrs112478 can't figure out what a heifer is but I think they want to have a calf together LOL?!?!? O_O And, of course, this is all taking place under Affy's couch...sheez if that is what is happening under her couch...what has she got going on in her closet! O_O


I heard that Zeebert and Sacred_Apollyon had a sleep over and they were caught...Spooning! LOL Someone told me that...So don’t get mad! LOL...Hey if that's the case...Why are they so mad at Bi_Guy01?!?! lol


If you get into a battle with RUSHBOY...You better watch out...He can become...Well sadistic lol... (No not SADISTIC...Different char LOL)...He kept me alive just to keep hitting me by force feeding me burritos 10 of them...I begged him to kill me and all he would say was "he he" ...(O_O pssst psycho- he's crazy I tell you...Keeps blaming everything on the fish, Jaws Jr.!! Lol)... I am still burping burritos and my colon has never been the same lol... I even tried to kill myself during the battle, but I couldn’t cause my defense was too high for me to kill myself lol...
The Late Show with Shade_King

Due to popular demand, this special episode of LSSK is being hosted in the Chronicles! This episode we feature the "Weekly Top 10." Each Sunday from now on, I will post a "Weekly Top 10" for the entertainment of Urbanville! So check it out!

Top Ten ways to know you are absolutely addicted to Urbaniacs:

10: You are uber-cautious in the bad parts of town because a sludge could be around any corner!

9: Whenever signing on to another site, your hands automatically type in your Urb Alter-Ego and password out of habit.

8: When someone asks you for a price, you accidentally say "Urbos" instead of "dollars".

7: When shopping for clothes you find yourself wondering if it will equip to your body-type or not.

6: The worst name calling you use is "vermin" or "zero".

5: By now, you KNOW that a Beatnik is most definitely NOT a Hippie!

4: You find it appalling that your friends don't know who GoatFist and Mayor DaMan are.

3: You are constantly signing papers with your alter ego.

2: The highlight of your weekend is the release of this week’s Chronicles

And the number one way you can tell you’re addicted to Urbaniacs issssss:

You can never end a conversation with someone without telling them "Urb On!"

If you want more funk, head on over to the "Hosted Talk Shows" forum to see an episode daily! We will talk about anything from Urbanville politics to Urbanville fashion! So don't miss out!
>> Top Stories
Movie Reviews
Fellow Chronicle Writers and readers, I am the M.M.C. (Masked Movie Critic!)

Over the next few issues I will be reviewing movies in the Urbanville Cinema or movies in other cinemas. Because this is my first entertainment report I will be reporting on the Movie:

The Show Down.
Henchling #1
Henchling #2
Henchling #3
Henchling #4

Duration: 1:00 minute.

Director: Urbanville Director.

This Movie is probably one of the best I have seen this week. It is actually a bit of a documentary. Originally the documentary was about how they started off as enemies, but once they found out they were in the same building as one another, well you know the rest.
The Filming done by the Director is magnificent, but it lacks a sort of tang.

I rate this Movie 4 1/2 stars.

Don't Miss out on Next weeks article: Flingo Flango!
The Urbanville 12: Part 4

Aight peeps, let me break a lil' sumthin' sumthin' down to you before I get the fourth round crackin'!

All of your clues will be located in the same issue that I introduce the next serial killer, aight? In other words, after today, check this same issue on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday for ya clues and to find out who won.

Once ya win, you gots to back down for the next 3 rounds!

If you're caught cheatin' and believe me, I have the ability to check, you are out!

Ya feel like catchin’ a serial killa brutha? I know ya do! Yo due to the events that happened last week that week is null and void. Let’s start fresh aight?

Who’s talkin’ about drama? Well this serial killer can’t stand it and very vocal about too! But if you think the sweet face is a pushover indicator you will soon find yourself faced with sharp objects piercing your skin! Let’s just say if you don’t want to run into this serial killer in a dark ally!

If you do back away slowly and give Ira a holla, aight?

Each of the Urbanville 12 will have 4 victims. Help us catch them before they get to number 4. If ya win, they get caught. If ya don’t win, they go free, unpunished.

Remember to win the tp you have to be the first person to drop the name of the Urbanville 12 AND their theme killings. First place winners and the 3 runners up will be posted in da Chronicles. That means don’t be literin’ my inbox with, “Yo Scoop, did I win” cause I will straight up ignore ya!Each of the Urbanville 12 will have 4 victims. Help us catch them before they get to number 4. If ya win, they get caught. If ya don’t win, they go free, unpunished.

The Urbanville 12: Part 4: Clue #1

It be time for a new clue! But befizzle I gets into that, lemme point this out, aight?

1. You must give the name of the serial killer AND his theme to win.

2. If you discover you're the serial killer, don't write me and ask me for you theme.

First Victim: summers


"She may be nice, but now she's DEAD! It was cute though, she looked all shocked to see me at night. It was like I got full off of her passing. I'm thirsty and I want MORE! I wonder if they can rebuild again once I get done with them!

Throw your +25 tps in the air and wave 'em like ya just don't care! Wait, you don't have any! You guess right and ya can have this, fo' sho'!

The Urbanville 12: Part 4: Clue #2

Wow it's Thursday and sorry for the delay! Yo, dat rhymed! But a brotha had to get his real life on, aight? It's time to drizzle a lizzle clizzle! For the hip hop illiterate I'm abouts to drop a little clue! As usual:

1. You must give the name of the serial killer AND his theme to win.

2. If you discover you're the serial killer, don't write me and ask me for you theme.

Second Victim: Dark_Ranger


"Another one bites the dust! YEs, that song might be way older than me, but it fits perfectly! He was very yummy though the horns hurt! But now they hang on my mantle as a trophy! Muhahahahahaha!"

+25 tp, I got them, you want them, gimme da answer!

The Urbanville 12: Results: Part 4


It's sad yo. So young. So evil. So hungry. Anyways, looks like DarkestHour is the winner of the +25 training pass my peeps! See ya on Sunday for another clizzue!
>> Politics
Da Man Like Me

Today I am going to infiltrate one of the places that I’m sure no one has really been. Yup! I’m going to the Mayor’s house! Well more like Jen Q’s house because we all know who rocks the big boy pants! No I’m just kidding Mayor...Only because you sign my paychecks!

Anyways, what happens when the Mayor goes home? Is he the same suave cat that we see everyday? How does he treat his gorgeous wife and beautiful kids? Basically, what happens to Da Man when he’s out of the spotlight?

Well I’m going to find out! First let me say that Preston didn’t even help me this time! He got sick and tired of playing this game so he left me to my own devices muttering something about writing a Chronicles’ article. Since I’ve been to the Mayor’s house before, I know it and his family well. I’ve actually babysat his children before so I chose to model myself after his oldest child. We always play hide-and-go-seek. He’s an awesome hider but I’m a better seeker. Let’s just say that after watching him hide in the laundry room, I changed my mind about seeking him. *smiles*

So there I was, on my knees, pretending to be one of the Mayor’s children when he walked into the house.

“Urb on,” he said to us. I looked around.

“Hmmm,” I thought, “This is going to be interesting.”

“Urb on sweetie,” JenQ called from the dining room while bringing out food. Man, let me tell you! For a woman who works, takes care of the kids, and chills at home, Ms. Q is a sexy Mamita!

“Urb on father,” the youngest one called out and then he looked at me. As a matter of fact, they ALL looked at me.

“What’s the matter son,” the Mayor said, “GoatFist got your tongue?”

“Urb on father,” I said sounding like his son who was hiding in the washing machine, waiting for me to find him.

“Well, dinner is ready,” JenQ called out. Something smelled okay, but I knew it was going to be something that I couldn’t eat so I slowly made my way to the table.

“Let’s begin with a prayer,” the Mayor said, so I did what I normally did, I bowed my head, closed my eyes and put my hands together. What came next really shocked me...

“Mayor,” they all whispered before DaMan finished with, “I’m DaMan!” They all started cracking up! I guess it was a joke but I knew whatever on my plate was not a joke. I looked down at it and frowned.

“Do you know how many henchlings I had to smack down to provide this food, son,” the Mayor asked while I played with it.

“I’m not hungry father,” I said quietly and stabbed my meat (*snickers*).

“You were complaining that you were hungry earlier,” JenQ said with a look of concern.

I was stuck between a rock and a meaty place (*giggles* Okay I’ll stop), so I did the only thing a woman impersonating her boss’ child could do, I threw a hissy fit! Literally. I threw myself on the floor and started to flail my arms the way MrA does when he’s confronting a sludge in a dark alley. Check out his lair, it’s all there.

“WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO HAVE MEAT IN IT,” I screamed and thrashed around. What? Have you ever been to a party where everything had meat in it INCLUDING the salad? I didn’t think so. I had some aggression to work out.

“See, this is what happens when you let Affy babysit them,” the Mayor said and pulled out a coin from his suit that he still hadn’t changed. “How about this son, heads you have to eat the food, tails I’ll make you a sandwich of your own choosing?”

“Fine,” I said and pretended to wipe my eyes.

“Call it,” he said and flipped it.

“GoatFist,” I said and jumped because everyone gasped. I swear that coin took an hour to land and I could have sworn I heard the music to “Which Way Is Up,” but he won.

“You know what that means and by the way, you’re grounded for calling GoatPunk’s name out instead of mine,” he said with a smile.

“Quick grab your glasses,” JenQ called out and slammed hers on. I looked around for mine, ah I know where they are...downstairs, in the washing machine with his son, who is okay...I hoped.

“OUCH MY EYES,” I squealed and slid under the table! Keeping my eyes closed I went crawling down to the laundry room to get kid. I was blind, they were forcing me to eat meat, and I was just tired of walking around on my knees. It was time to go!

“I found you,” I announced with my eyes still closed from the pain! I was greeted with snoring. The little man was tired, how cute. I felt around for him and pulled him out. I gently shook him.

“Affy,” he said with a yawn, “You found me!”

“Uh huh little man and it’s time for you to have supper,” I said and held onto his shoulder as he led me upstairs. After stepping up the last stair I felt a cool breeze that told me there was a window opened. I tried to walk over to it without making a noise but that didn’t work. Several things crashed around me. I froze and honestly if I hadn’t crossed my legs, there would have been an accident on the ground!

“I know that’s not my trophy room,” DaMan called out. I gripped the window sill and jumped out, leaving his son in the room to take the blame. I know, it was wrong but I’ll make it up to him. I swear, well if he ever talks to me again.

“DADDY IT WASN’T ME, IT WAS AFFY,” was all I heard before the Mayor grounded the poor kid until he turned 31 or the day GoatFist finally got himself a woman. Thirty-one it is...Shoot I think most women would choose Handsome over a half-species maniac. Don’t worry, I’ll make it up to him...As soon as he can look at me without crying and screaming that I ruined his life. Ooops...

So there you have it! The Mayor in his natural habitat! I wonder if he ever wears anything other than his pimp suits though. I wonder if his pjs are silky suits...And NO, I won’t go there. As always, I can’t wait for my next assignment! Even if Preston doesn’t help me!

Funky 24 hours a day and 7 days a week!