May 11, 2005
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May 11, 2005
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EVIL WORKOUT VIDEO SELLS MILLIONS DESPITE INJURIES
It took only 48 hours for super evil villain Goatfist's first exercise video, "Sweatin' to the Baddies," to break the million unit sales mark. Despite complaints about massive injuries, fat and skinny people alike are working themselves out of control.
"It's not my fault" says Goatfist. "How should I know who can and who can't stop a bullet train with a clenched buttock? All I know is that's a great workout right there. Read the labels before you buy, people. Its all on the label." Lawyers for the victims' families claim the tape is nothing more than videos of Urbaniacs fighting crime, packaged like a work out tape.
MOTHER FAKES ACCIDENT TO SEE SUPERHERO SON
Last night, a woman claiming to be the mother of Swifty Clipper was apparently rescued by her own son when she was nearly run over by a speeding vehicle. Later, it was revealed that she actually climbed under a parked car on her own and started screaming for help.
"What's a mother to do?" Claimed the woman who wishes to keep her identity hidden. "He never calls anymore. And when I call he never answers the phone. He claims to be out fighting crime but how do I know he's telling the truth? And what kind of career is that anyway? Heaven forbid he get a real job like his brother. He's an evil genius!"
LOCAL SUPERHERO'S BROTHER TURNS OUT TO BE EVIL GENIUS
In a tip discovered in a recent story in our very own Chronicles, Swifty Clipper discovered that his own brother was none other than evil genius The Maniacal Moil.
"I just can't believe it! He was such a good kid. We use to have so much fun together. I'd give him wedgies, and make him eat dirt, and do that thing where you make them hit themselves and say "Why are you hitting yourself?" I just can't imagine what turned him so angry and bitter."