Forgot Password? Remember Me

Issue 88

May 27, 2007

Submit A Story!

Got an Urbaniac story, comic strip or anything else newsworthy or funny?

Send it our way!

Issues

Issue 209

Issue 208

Issue 207

Issue 206

Issue 205

Issue 204

Issue 203

Issue 202

Issue 201

Issue 200

Issue 199

Issue 198

Issue 197

Issue 196

Issue 195

Issue 194

Issue 193

Issue 192

Issue 191

Issue 190

Issue 189

Issue 188

Issue 187

Issue 186

Issue 185

Issue 184

Issue 183

Issue 182

Issue 181

Issue 180

Issue 179

Issue 178

Issue 177

Issue 176

Issue 175

Issue 174

Issue 173

Issue 172

Issue 171

Issue 170

Issue 169

Issue 168

Issue 167

Issue 166

Issue 165

Issue 164

Issue 163

Issue 162

Issue 161

Issue 160

Issue 159

Issue 158

Issue 157

Issue 156

Issue 155

Issue 154

Issue 153

Issue 152

Issue 151

Issue 150

Issue 149

Issue 148

Issue 147

Issue 146

Issue 145

Issue 144

Issue 143

Issue 142

Issue 141

Issue 140

Issue 139

Issue 138

Issue 137

Issue 136

Issue 135

Issue 134

Issue 133

Issue 132

Issue 131

Issue 130

Issue 129

Issue 128

Issue 127

Issue 126

Issue 125

Issue 124

Issue 123

Issue 122

Issue 121

Issue 120

Issue 119

Issue 118

Issue 117

Issue 116

Issue 115

Issue 114

Issue 113

Issue 112

Issue 111

Issue 110

Issue 109

Issue 108

Issue 107

Issue 106

Issue 105

Issue 104

Issue 103

Issue 102

Issue 101

Issue 100

Issue 99

Issue 98

Issue 97

Issue 96

Issue 95

Issue 94

Issue 93

Issue 92

Issue 91

Issue 90

Issue 89

Issue 88

Issue 87

Issue 86

Issue 85

Issue 84

Issue 83

Issue 82

Issue 81

Issue 80

Issue 79

Issue 78

Issue 77

Issue 76

Issue 75

Issue 74

Issue 73

Issue 72

Issue 71

Issue 70

Issue 69

Issue 68

Issue 67

Issue 66

Issue 65

Issue 64

Issue 63

Issue 62

Issue 61

Issue 60

Issue 59

Issue 58

Issue 57

Issue 56

Issue 55

Issue 54

Issue 53

Issue 52

Issue 51

Issue 50

Issue 49

Issue 48

Issue 47

Issue 46

Issue 45

Issue 44

Issue 43

Issue 42

Issue 41

Issue 40

Issue 39

Issue 38

Issue 37

Issue 36

Issue 35

Issue 34

Issue 33

Issue 32

Issue 31

Issue 30

Issue 29

Issue 28

Issue 27

Issue 26

Issue 25

Issue 24

Issue 23

Issue 22

Issue 21

Issue 20

Issue 19

Issue 18

Issue 17

Issue 16

Issue 15

Issue 14

Issue 13

Issue 12

Issue 11

Issue 10

Issue 9

Issue 8

Issue 7

Issue 6

Issue 5

Issue 4

Issue 3

Issue 2

Issue 1

>> Editorials
My Guide For Hero Destruction


Instead of allowing other groups to destroy the Hustle Alliance, the dim-witted Heroes show us exactly how to dismantle their group. It's as stupid as giving a stranger your house keys, address, and your vacation schedule.

Once, I thought the Hustle Alliance had an ounce more astuteness than the Family and the Vigilantes combined, but those days have departed. I should thank you all for making a fool out of me, but I hate looking like a fool, especially in the company of bigger fools.

Disclaimer: You will become upset at this article if it is applicable to you.


I will not name the Heroes who should ignore this article. I don't have the time nor do I want them to think that I like or respect them either. This will be a short lesson. Just two tips because it’s just that simple!

Soul_Corruptor is a muscle-bound meat head who made an error by confronting the Hustle Alliance in the Lounge. For his blunder he was verbally and intellectually dismantled by some clever members. I’m not shocked. He is a meat head. He was out of his league. The next time, follow my guide and Urbanville will rid itself of the Hustle Alliance.

Make no mistake; this is not a preference for evil over good. Maybe once the Hustle Alliance goes on a diet and sheds about 85% of its members, evil will have opposition once again. Without further distractions:

The Masked Editor’s Guide to Hero Destruction:


1. To get a rise out of the simpletons in the Hustle Alliance have one of their own create a thread to motivate them.

Apparently their loyalty is lacking, resulting in the attack of said member. Let me dumb it down, they will ignore you and turn on each other.

Question the validity of my statement? Recently a dingbat member of the Hustle Alliance, after publicly demeaning and shredding her counterpart, praised me for what she claimed to dislike in her "friend". I'm actually just as confused as you nincompoops, but the circumstance is fascinating.

2. Challenge the featherbrains to defend the honor of their group.

The majority of those dunderheads will cry, "I know you are, but what am I? I don't have time for this! I'm too snooty to stick up for my group! I'm busy doing other things (Translation: Assaults)!"

A group without pride is a group that will fall. I'm surprised more haven't left. Again there are some who don't fit here but I won't waste time patting you on your head. You aren't a dog starving for attention and even if you were, I would walk by you.

One word should hold them together, yet the fact that they lack of this word will keep forever them divided. That word is:

“Alliance”:
An organization of people involved in a pact or treaty
A connection based on kinship or marriage or common interest


Their downfall is almost like a recipe:

Step 1: Attack their paper-thin commitments.

Step 2: Sit back and watch the Hustle Alliance rip.

In closing, let me admit that I know that my guide might be too strenuous to comprehend, but if you think for a moment, and yes I know some of you need more than one moment, the task you set your feeble mind to complete (taking down the Hustle Alliance in case you forgot) is an easy one and you won't have to lift your pale, geeky, hairy, chubby finger to accomplish it.

This is my last article on the Hustle “Alliance” for they aren’t worth the energy. I once told you all to, “Get a grip, borrow a pair, or get out of the business.”

I now say:

“Learn what an alliance is and act like one!”


Just think the kids look up to you. If they imitate half of the things I saw take place this past week alone, the world is condemned.

Here they come to save the day...Bah, who cares?

The Masked Editor
>> Top Stories
a story from the dark side part 1


it was a cold night in the harsh and unforgiving streets of downtown. the street lamps were broken and sick gatos roamed around the area. i was sitting in my car waiting for something nasty to happen when all of a sudden, i saw three cars pull over. i bent down while watching from the window wondering what would people in cars doing at this time of hour in this part of town. out of no where, a person in a mask breaks the glass on my window car and i find myself knocked out not knowing were i was going. i felt movement as they blindfolded me tied me up. they gagged my mouth and i started to hear evil laughs and screams from everywhere wondering will i live?

to be continued
Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge


*soap opera music begins to play*
We’re interrupting this session of The Chronicles to bring you:

Another Day in Urbanville: PC’s Revenge

Another week another update!

Where did we leave off? Oh yes! Affy and Love are still dancing and it's holding the group up!!


Crimson: At this rate, we'll never save this place.

And the van was lead into a scary scene, thanks to the New Laws and their...WHITE Thrashers?!

Iron_Pants: Of course, this could be a trap.

Duh Iron! The gang also met PC (well her voice) before almost meeting their Maker!

Affy: I wonder why PC has to hide. C'mon PC, come out and pet the kitty.

I don't know about PC, but I'm scared! Does PC really want world domination, or does she want Iron_Pants?

PC staring at Iron_Pants.



After a long day of fighting and sleuthing our group got a little hungry taking them back to the Tiki Lounge!

Thanatos: I'd be doubly delighted for a Darkly Crepe.

Mmmm...I’ll have what he’s having. Will our little group finally figure out what the deal is with PC?

Iron’s pants: Dun dun DUUUUUUUN!

Or, like always, will their petty bickering keep their eyes off the prize?

Love_Child: THAT WAS VERY WRONG OF YOU TO DO TO ME AND YOU KNOW IT!

You won't find out...unless you read about...It in:

“Another Day in Urbanville II: PC's Revenge!!!!"

Art work done by Iron_Pants.


Rap Battles!!!


It's ya boy!

And he's here givin' you the low down on his favorite event, the rap battles!
This even usually has your boy pop lockin' in his chair. So many lip droppin' hot lyrics but only 6 made it to the finals! So who’s going to win?

Dzhelasi – The dark vampire vixen with a dangerous bite?

Talk about the Family or his girl...that ain't very smart
Cuz you better be prepared to finish the trouble you start
He takes no prisoners, with no mercy or remorse
His Evil Eye is enough to throw your whole life off course
When his temper flares, there's just no stopping him
With words or a saber, annihilation at his very whim
This cocky, vigi/hero bashing, forum crashing disruptor
Roams the streets of Urbanville by the name of Soul_Corruptor


Zeebret - The Villain with a famous brother?

Some may remember from awhile back
A most evil villain brought on the attack
Against the zeros and as a matter of fact
A hundred to one and his side is still stacked

Perhaps there are some with slightly higher might,
But in the forums, his wit destroys those who try to fight
It is he who someday soon will begin his evil reign
For those who don't know, it's my villainous older brother, J_TRANE!


Lilly_Larva – The First Lady of Funk?

Devious, Deranged and Dangerously Demented!
I only wish his Uber Stank was unscented!
Picking up hero's and dropping them like flies.
Stealing all the HA's, hot apple Pies.
Tripping old grannies as they walk the street.
He's the Evilest Urb your ever gonna meet.
With his girlie legs and his Super Mesh Hose.
Look out, Urbanville, True Evils been exposed.


Sacred_Apollyon – The Leader of The Family?

One may say "Goatfist all the way"
But the evilest urb can take him any day

Walking through the streets with a skull in each hand
Eradicating any who don't meet his demands

He's far more active than the great Hoof
Yet he's not too funky to raise the roof

Bringer of death and destruction who could it be
Most evilest urb in Urbanville... that's me


Love_Child – The pink-haired Co-Leader of Funk-Ahh-Delic ALT?

Who's that kitty slinking around town?
Using her claws bringin' enemies down.

She's got standards, screw mediocre,
An outrage! No wonder people wanna choke her!

Vivacious, talented, center of attention,
A big sin for those suffering from anale retention!

Makin' things happen with a superior technique,
Watch out now, she's the evil Afro_Chic!


Or Richmax – The Aussie Vigilante?

A Vampire of the night and a Family member to boot
She'll Sneak in through your window & Plunder all your loot

With her vampiric embrace she'll leave holes in your neck
She'll come up in your home & spam it to heck

She's a feisty little Chica with an evil Urban Brain
Better watch your backside cause she'll cause it much pain

Never let your guard down cause this girl works undercover
It's the one its the only it's the Crazy_Azn_Bd_Lover


I can’t pick! Can YOU!

See ya when I see ya!

Scoop_McFanny

If it's news and it's hot you can expect me to beat the others to the punch...AIGHT?!

>> Comics
Gossip Column

What funky junk is happening in Urbanville?? Juicyfruit or "Mama Love" is
here to tell you!! Perspiring minds want to know!!

(Please note…these are rumors NOT fact...but they could be hehe...no dissing me because of my creative genius :P I am not here to protect the innocent hehe... Just telling it from my lil Juicy perspective.

Lush:


Got in an assault with dazzyb (the dizzy-dazzy scit-scat, blue-jazz musician as I like think of him hehe). All of a sudden, he blurts out that Akon ROCKs! Now I don’t know where or what this Akon is.... but it must be something ... cause dazzy gets this glazed, surprised and then euphoric look in his eye (you know, the kind of look when you get a +10 super power training pass and you cant believe it?!?! hehe O_O) and dazzyb turns to Sir_Rabbit and I and blurts out the word...ACTAKON!!!! At first I was a little nervous and was ready to throw Sir's sidekick Mr. Killer at him so we could make a hasty retreat, but then I could see that dazzyb was having some kind of an epiphany! We asked him what does ACTAKON mean. Dazzy says COOL!! O_O... Whoa...I can DIG it man!! Dazzyb is the ACTAKON Dude!!! It's all ACTAKON man!! lol Thanks daz for the new lingo :D (I still think I should have thrown Mr. Killer at dazzyb anyways cause daz would have smoked Killer right away O_O. Notice how rarely Mr. Killer protects Sir
Rabbit at all in public battles. I have told Bunny, many times, that next time Killer gets smoked we should just make some delicious BBQ out of him lol. But Bunny is so loyal!! Sigh...no wonder he was titled "Sir". hehe

Juicy:


Okay, I was hanging out at the Tiki Lounge a week ago and barkeep was tending the bar...and I find out that barkeep had made kissthis ...7 Urbo Blasters with double the mojo and I guess she was so *happy* that when she gets home and onto her internet, she decides that she want to call up OGRE and talk to him on the telephone! O_O (for real, in Mexico! lol), but of course, OGRE being the gentleman that he is, tells KISS that his English is not that good! LOL KISS persists!! lol But OGRE kindly talks her out of it! lol ... KISS thinks OGRE was just scared lol...hmmm ...kissthis on 7 Urbo Blasters with double the mojo...I would be afraid of her! lol So my new name for kissthis is....ahem...KISS Loca Rojita!!! Lol

Luscious:


BUT...still speaking of OGRE, Lilly_Larva comes into the Tiki Lounge later and I think barkeep made her one of his "special" drinks (must have been some kind of mojo sugar overload) ...BUT upon mentioning the above incident with OGRE, Lilly blurts out, "OGRE is such a cutie pie...you can eat him up and he is still good!!! O_O...Now coming from a villain about a hero...you know...that OGRE...he must be some kind of like ...Casanova ...or Don Juan
.... lol....but wait, then Lilly lets it slip out that she call Maggot (you know The King of the Villains)…(hold on to something folks)...Sweet Cheeks! O_O rofl…I figured as much, but never thought it would come out of the First Lady's mouth...lol. Man, barkeep's drinks must be like some kind of truth serum! And then she finally tells me that Maggot's new recipe is: Pickles layered on platter, Chocolate ice cream on top of pickles, Fried okra crumbled on top of Ice cream with a touch of whip cream and nuts on top... O.o Yikes!...that's some dish! rofl and rolf lol

Succulent:


Last but not least...Afro_Chic, Love_Child and I were on the moon and...well...Love and I noticed, that on that day, Affy was not really wearing any armor except for a little shirt and wee raggedy skirt. So, after the battle, Love and I were in the crater getting sodas out of my mini fridge. We look up to hand the sodas up to Affy and then Love says, "I see Paris, I see France, I see Affy's..." and then we both noticed that Affy was...well...umm..."NATURAL"! O.O LOL..nothing there but a smooth breath flowing from one end of her skirt to the other lol. We were laughing our heads off and Affy's acting all innocent saying her famous phrase, "WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DID I DO?" lol She is such a wild child :D
Handsome's Word of the Week

Handsome has plans, so Handsome is going to jump right into this. My word of the week is my favorite word of all:

"Player"



(noun) - someone, and by someone I mean me, who loves to love many fine young Ladies at the same time. (It could have a negative connotation, but so far, my Ladies aren't complaining.)

"You Ladies know you want me, I'm the handsomest player you'll ever meet."