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Issue 80

Mar 31, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Editorials
The Family...Feh.


While dragging myself through this pathetic town called Urbanville, I noticed something that almost made me lose my lunch. There they were…The Heroes running around without a care in the world. I almost took my battle oar to them but as I raised it to knock one of them out, I thought:

Shouldn’t the Family be doing this? Where the heck are they?!

That’s right, reconstructing. For the umpteenth time! Never have I seen a group break down, reconstruct, break down again, reconstruct again...only to suck. What is worse than sucking? Refusing to admit that you suck and that’s what those fools called the Family are doing.

They kicked out what they claimed to be the dead weight of the group this time around and now the 5% that they kept have resumed the role of the dead weight. How they got rid of dead weight only to produce more dead weight is perplexing to me. That’s like my waste taking a crap and producing more waste. I like that analogy. That’s what the Family is, waste taking a crap and producing more waste.

Can I be honest here? As if I care what your answer is.

In some places, the Villains are something to be feared. In Urbanville, our Villains are merely ballerinas trying to be bad so they hide their pigtails, dress up in black, and pledge their love to a goat. That may be okay in some places, but in Urbanville, goat luvin’ is disgusting.

And now Sacred_Apollyon is trying to take the reins and run the group. If it's that easy, then that means Surfer_Chick can do the same thing when Sacred fails and believe me, he will fail. I have a suggestion Sacred, instead of spending your time writing the laws, why don’t you put on your frilly pink tutu and do a little dance for me. Matter of fact, you and all the older male Villains can get together and do something worthwhile, like crocheting a quilt. That way you can talk about your glory days when The Family actually had a pair and created mayhem in Urbanville.

Oh then you can all get sad and start to cry when you realize what you were and that you will never get there again. Then you can use your third-rate quality quilt to catch your salty little tears and swear to be tear sisters while the females in your group ignore the fact that they are part of your group. It must suck for them to be the men of the group. Heck, some of them are starting to look the role too.

Now because the majority of your group is slow, let me sum this article up for you:

I once built a sand castle; the waves smashed it so I stopped. Follow my lead. Let’s face it, you guys are like the 2nd guy in WHAM, no one knows his name, no one cares. The worst part is, you make the Heroes look good and they aren’t the best group out there either (I smell another article).

Under normal circumstances, I would be nervous writing an article about a villainous group, but by the time the Family finds me; their numbers will be dwindled down to 1 pansy.

Those who refuse to learn from history are just stupid.

The Masked Editor

Dear Masked Editor


I received this response from Afro_Chic...

Dear Masked Editor,

Imagine my surprise when I opened the Chronicles to find yet another article about me! The only difference is, while the others were very respectful, yours was filled with anger and unrequited love!

If you were truly sick and tired of hearing about me, then why would you write about me? You're like the person who waits for the thread to drop to the second page only to post your disgust with the topic. Duh, by posting your disgust you only bring more attention to the topic that is annoying you. That is what you did with me.

So what is it about me that annoys you the most? Do you talk trash about me to your one friend? Or did you manage to lose that person too? Also, about that mask...Are you hiding a hideous face?

You speak as if you know me or have interacted with me. Did you once send me a love letter only to receive this response:

"I'm so flattered, but I don't date know-it-all jackarses!"

You're right, my life here in Urbanville isn't as cozy as some folks think, but the biggest difference between you and me is I give back to this town, while you sit up in your office passing judgment on others. Did your mother not hug you enough as a child so you're lashing out on every strong female figure you encounter?

C'mon Masked Editor, stop hiding the life of a hurt child behind that anger! Rip off your mask (physically and emotionally) and let's play!!!

Beatniks do it Better!

Afro_Chic


It's Tiki Time!


I recently ventured deep into Urbanville for a visit to the newest venue in town, The Tiki Lounge. Since its opening on February 24th, Urbaniacs of all dispositions have flocked to the fine AEIOU (Artistic Enterprise Institute Of Urbanville) establishment. The Tiki Lounge menu features a wide selection of specialty drinks and foods. Ah, but don’t walk on in with a pocket full of urbos expecting to buy a drink. The Tiki Lounge doesn’t accept Urbos. Instead, you must perform a song, dance, or poem on stage. Oh right, and of course you can give your soul. (Yikes!)

I started off with a Tiki Pizza and a few of the cold drinks that the Tiki Lounge had to offer. First off I tried “Simple Paradise”. The name fits perfectly; it truly is paradise in a cup! I liked it so much, I even asked the barkeep for the ingredients. I’m not supposed to tell you but they're:



1/3 pineapple juice
1/3 strawberry juice
1/6 papaya juice
1/6 orange juice
one orange slice
and a splash of cranberry juice

Next I tried the Coco-limeade. Ahh. Consisting of coconut and lime juice, it was an oasis of flavor. Finally, I tried the Juice ‘N’ A Skull. I’m not quite sure what kind of juice was in the skull (hopefully not brain juice), but I was assured that the skull was not real. Although the fumes got to me, this drink was very good.

After paying my dues, with 6 songs and 2 poems, I just sat back and enjoyed the ambiance of the lounge. The walls lined with bamboo, give the feeling that you are on a tropical island. The ceiling is covered with artificial palm leaves, creating the feeling of being beneath a tropical canopy. Each table, lit with a small tiki torch, was made from bamboo. This small establishment was truly a vacation within the city.

For my rating, I give it...

Two Trigger Thumbs Up!
>> Top Stories
CrimsonKing: It's Okay, He's Allowed


Who's my daddy? That's right, CrimsonKing is and he's recently brought the world of Urbanville to it's knees by leaving The Family! I've heard some grumbling about if Crimson lost his ever goatin' mind, but instead of joining in, I met up with Crimson in his new penthouse apartment.

Crimson, you just shocked the town of Urbanville by leaving the Family, what caused this decision?

I worked very hard to keep the Family sustained. That level of effort, well it can cause burnout. It did with me. I couldn't sustain that level, not when I didn't agree with every opinion expressed in the name of The Family. I decided I wanted to be responsible for myself only, and I have never been too good with following orders anyhow.

So widdle Crimsie wimsie got tired? *giggles* Tell me, is it villainous to suffer burnout?

What could be more villainous than to grow weary of people? I am sure the Joker or Lex Luthor got tired of the same old run-around. I may be a villain, but I am also human. You Hustlers simply want to "demonize" us. Well we villains have feelings too!

I can feel that, sometimes all a person needs is a pat on the back, a hug, and a "you did a great job." Unfortunately most of the times that person is a female. *stares at Crimson with a goofy smile* Oh I'm just kidding!What do you say to those who are upset with your decision to leave the Family?

Good. I want them upset. I want them so upset that they get up and do something about it. There are several members who have been working hard for the Family, they know who they are, but they are others who need to seize this time to shine. It's time for a new generation. Time to let the kids grow up and take over.

C'mon Crim, you guys have tried everything. You’ve kicked out 90% of your groups in hopes to get those people to become more active...nothing. You've set up a school to get more recruits...That died. Do you REALLY think that leaving will finally wake them up? Might I suggest a baseball bat?

Well, if this doesn't work, I guess its no longer my problem. I can't make others live up to my standards. They have to want this. Maybe I can make them realize it.

You were once a follower of Goatfist, is it hard to be out on your own?

I was a follower, very loyal. But that loyalty was never rewarded. He is an absentee father, and I disown him. I find it very refreshing to be on my own. If I feel strongly about something, and it isn't necessarily the villainous way, so be it. I have no rules but those I make for myself.

You know what pops? You sound like a Beatnik. Am I rubbing off on you?

An intelligent person knows when to adapt, and when to assimilate. I know when to change my behavior, and when to force others to change to my ways.

You do realize that with your absence, the Family has weakened. How do you feel about that?

It may be weaker for a short period of time, but Nature abhors a void. I created a void, it will be filled by others. Who knows, maybe I just created an opening for someone stronger, smarter, and more talented. But I doubt it, I am the CrimsonKing, after all.

See there is a very easy joke that I could say there but I won't. What? I've sassed you enough, don't you think?

You will always be jealous of me, and hide behind your attitude instead. You are very much the pig-tail pulling boy with a crush. You must have gender-identity issues.

Gross considering that you adopted me ya jackarse! Anyways...Now that you're no longer "burned out" *snickers* does that mean CrimsonKing will no longer be grumpy? I think the newbies would especially want to know the answer to this question.

Grumpy is a state of mind. As long as morons prowl the streets, as long as nimrods have access to keyboards, I will be Grumpy. And truly, it isn't the newbies who should fear me, it is the vets who still have trouble tying their shoes that need to fear me.

Any final words pops?

Regardless of whether you like my attitude, or my approach, no one should doubt how I feel about Urbaniacs. I always have what I feel is best for this town in mind.

Thanks for the interview. It wasn't that bad, was it? Okay put down the chair. *innocent smile*

The WTP Exposed!


After the latest restructuring of the Family and the rise of their "legitimate" corporations and facilities, which The_Legal_Eagle himself has referred to as "fronts" an uber-stank flowed into Urbanville and it wasn't the sewage! Ok, part of it was the sewage as sewage does uberly stank, but mostly it was the machinations of the Family.

Causing the most suspicion and potential damage is the Water Treatment Plant (WTP) which now supplies water to Urbanville's residents and businesses. Call me paranoid, but having my water supply in the hands of the Family makes me nervous. I constructed my own water cachement and filtration system which is guarded by some vicious fishes and a cranky imperial majestic croaker.

The WTP, having been established by DudeMan and managed by The_Sorrow, opened its doors on January 10th and has had plenty of time to do some damage to the Urbanville population. After meeting with Mayor_DaMan to protest the change of the city's water management and being informed that his hands were tied... (I saw them; it was a pretty strong rope) I then decided to investigate the situation for myself.

The most difficult aspect of infiltrating the ranks of the Family was the disguise. Although the Family does boast some foxy ladies such as Tiger_Eyes and Dzhelasi, the typical Family Chick look is somewhat drab and well... hideous. It took five sidekicks, three hours a day to transform my beauty into a passable Family visage. When Mr Chips the Moonkey first saw my makeover, he went into shock and has since been staying at a psychiatric hospice facility outside of the city. The sacrifices I've had to make!

And let me tell you, it's no wonder those Family chicks are so crabby! Looking like this, you can't get good service in a restaurant, cabs won't stop for you, and retailers refuse to let you try on any clothes!

Once I had my disguise in place, it was easy to blend into the Family ranks and gain access to the WTP. Security didn't look at me twice. I can't say I blame them. Armed with an evidence kit, a hidden camera, and robotic arachnids programmed to obscure security cameras when necessary, I made my way into the bowels of the WTP and found shocking (not really, I expected it) evidence of foul play.

The inner offices of the plant held a wealth of information. I uncovered detailed schematics which enabled me to verify exactly where the wastewater was going and what was being done to it. This investigation was documented in film and a collection of water and (ugh) waste samples from the various tanks in the plant.

1. Wastewater comes to the plant through a network of sewers and pumping stations.

2. Heavy solids are filtered out and diverted down the most disgusting tunnel I've ever seen, directly into Urbanville Bay.

3. The water continues on into an anoxic zone which removes odor.

4. Most of that water then flows into the city's water supply for consumption. Sure, the heavy chunks of solid waste have been removed as well as the stench, but is the water clean? Samples taken have revealed bacteria and organic matter that if consumed over time will cause even the most self important superhero to weaken and fall ill.

5. The rest of the water then goes into an aeration tank where additional sludge is removed and used for sludge first-aid after they get whupped in assaults.

6. The water then gets disinfected in a hydrochloric tank, then dechlorinated in a sodium bisulfate tank and diffuser before going into a tank that feeds the Villain's water supply.

7. A part of this disinfected water then gets purified via reverse osmosis and pumped to a tank that feeds the Family's water supply.

No wonder the villains in Urbanville have turned into a bunch of lazy losers who no longer know how to trash talk, intimidate, or raise a ruckus in the city. The Family's plan is to bring everyone else down with contaminated water, without having to lift as much as their pinky fingers. I think it's up to the population of Urbanville to raise their fingers and demand clean water!

>> Politics
Sacred_Apollyon: The Villain who Stole Me and now The Family


Sacred_Apollyon...

One of Urbanville's hotties. He has the power to make a Heroine hang up her good girl collahs and a Villainess rob her own family for a chance to be the reason why he's smiling. Luckily for me, I was once that girl. Because of that, I am the best person to examine his life here in Urbanville.

How he went from suave bad boy to a possible future leader is an interesting story. Sacred has always been one of my favorite topics.

He came into town as an unknown and unaffiliated player. The Family caught wind of him and beat the H.A. to the punch. As he worked his way through The Family ranks, he managed to work his way into my heart. Then he kidnapped me and paid the price for that.

I eventually forgave him for that and while we both worked hard in our respective groups, there were quiet dinners, fun sparring times in the gym, and verbal thrashings in public. Next thing you know it, I had a big ring on my finger. But, could a Hero and a Villain truly live happily ever after? You think you know the answer, don't you?

Then Sacred mysteriously disappeared...

A few months ago I received a "Hi, I'm back," message in the form of a diss. He always had his own way of doing things, but I must say, I was indeed curious about what was going on in his life, so during my vacation from the Hustle Alliance, I followed him. I watched him scowl in the Burrito Factory because his beloved Family was falling a part. I was there when he gave his speeches to stir up the members. I was disguised of course. I smiled as he slaved over the Family bylaws all day and all night. I have to admit that I also botched all of his Villainous attempts, from tripping him as he tried to run away with the newbie's pie to making sure that the doors to the banks were mysteriously locked. What? It made me laugh!

I also noticed something that made me think. He did all of these things alone and that saddened me. He spent his dinners alone and went home to an empty apartment. So while he makes his way to the Family throne to put on the big boy drawers that were once worn by Maggot, CrimsonKing, The_Legal_Eagle and many others (that's just gross!) maybe he'll realize that he's missing one thing: An ex-Hero, newly dubbed Beatnik who has enough funk in her to fill the world. Gee, I wonder where he would find this special person? *blushes*

Unknown to notorious Villain...Hero lover to absentee citizen...Cuddly Boy Toy to future Family leader...

Regardless of what he is, I must admit that Sacred will always be there to surprise everyone...Including me.

>> Business
meeting the funk and the grump!

So, I was down at the pawn shop seeing if there was a good funk body
being sold.
But to my displease none, as usual
So, I asked the big ole' scary man
"Why do you never sell any funk bodies?"
Anyone guess his reply? Or AT LEAST how his reply was?

Well

"Is it my fault no one ever sells them? IS IT? WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME
WHY NO ONE SELLS THE TWINS? Might as well!!

"Maybe they don't sell it because of your cheap buys, or maybe it’s
just the attitude" :P

"So, now let’s just buy stuff for A LOT and sell them for VERY LESS, I
have a family you know! I need a living! I need to make profits!!!"

"Ok, ok! maybe it’s not because of that
*mumbles* Wonder who would chose to be his family
*back to normal tone* Then, it MIGHT be because of the usual "Oh, I
remember you, I blabla"

"Well, if I sold them something for more then I offer, why can't I do
that? WHY? Just buy me a yogurt or even a pizza party and sell it for
less or if your real tight with your money then sell for offered
price, then I MAY consider raising the price for your whatever"

"Oh, ok. *walks away*"

"OI! YOU JUST WASTED A VALUABLE 5 MINUTES OF MINE! PAY UP!!!"

"What?"

"Pay up or do the dishes for a week!"

"Sheesh!" *pays 1 urbo and runs away*

*thinks to self*
Now, funk must have a funk body somewhere, he is funk after all!

*goes to funk in the funks depot*
"Sup funk, how's it going?"

"Yeh, all good. Wanna buy any funk?"

"No, well, yeh, you got an extra funk body around?"

"Well, what do you think I do? Roam around with 2 bodies??"

"Ummm, no, but-"

"Well, I do. But I gotta keep this one, you know. just in case
Goatfist comes in here again. I have that to have at least a chance!
we don't know Goatfist, who woulda thought of an evil flingo!
seriously dude! he might just come in and make an "evil" wobblyhead!!
with spiky hair and red eyes with flying shoes!!!!!!!!!!!! so sorry
dude, I can’t give this over"

"Understood, bitz yeh................ oh and! thanks for the pink
cape! comes in use!!"

"Anytime bruv!"

Well, no funk good stated body I guess!
*sees a funk body in the floor*
YAY!
I CANT BELIEVE THIS! SOMEBODY PINCH ME!!
*someone pinches me*
*the body disappears*
*sad face* *looks around and sees everybody staring*
What ya'll looking at ain't you got anything better to do??