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Issue 6

Jul 23, 2005

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Issue 1

>> Top Stories
TURN ON YOUR NIGHT LIGHTS
In a revealing one on one interview, French Urbaniac, Warrior De Jour openly admitted that he is in fact afraid of the dark. It all began a year ago when he couldn’t chase a criminal into a dark alley. “I just couldn’t do zis. From zen on I avoided ze alleys, pretending to head ze bad guy off by running around ze block. Eventually, it all got to be very exhausting, and a lot of bad guys got away.” This is only one of many recent admitions by traditionally heroic Urbaniacs. Last week the often vigilant Texas Long Beard openly admitted to being afraid of certain kinds of fruit. We should also mention that last month, Electric Lightning Rodney copped to being terrified of tightly fit underpants, muffin tops that are way too big, and static.
NO ACTION GO FIGURE
This morning the popular Urbaniac, The Nasal Avenger canceled a lucrative licensing deal with a major toy company citing differences over design. "My nose is not that big! What can I say? It's just not. Who would want to play with an action figure with a nose that big? And I’m not even going to mention the butt. You could build a space station on it and still have room to park the shuttle!" His sidekick, Combustible Buster went on to say "This kind of thing really burns me up!" before engulfing into flames and taking off in a huff.
JenQ's Dish
JenQ Gossip Maven here. Putting rumors on hold that Afro-Liscious Funk Daddy and Mighty Cowboy Guy are battling over a certain female Urbaniac, the two were recently seen rounding up some henchlings. Cowboy and Funk posed for pictures after the smackdown and were last seen laughing it up at a round of pitch and putt. No word from Striking Viking Vixen. That's the dish… JenQ very much.