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Issue 195

Jul 4, 2012

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Issue 1

>> Editorials
Grammar Please!

While I appreciate the enthusiasm of our writers, I would like to point out that most of their grammar skills are sadly lacking.  Without getting into a lot of grammatical rules, I will give you a guideline for the MINIMUM requirements.


1.  Capitalize the first word in a sentence.


2.  Capitalize names.  People, streets, organizations and titles fall into this category.


3.  When referring to yourself, always capitalize the "I".


4.  Do not put a space before a comma, it goes after.


5.  End your sentence with a punctuation mark such as period, exclamation point or question mark.


6.  Do not use chatspeak.  Yes, there is one writer who I let get away with that, but that is because reading her writing causes my eyes to burn and I can't even begin to correct that without being admitted to the psychiatrict ward.  If I get anymore entries like that from other people, I will surely delete them all.


This should give you all a start to grammar that will hopefully help you in your lives.  It will also make my job a lot easier!

Interview with an A.I. Computer

ManDude: Hello Unit 5021 J
Unit 5021 J: Please, refer to me as J5.
ManDude: OK, J5. So tell me, whats it like being a A.I.?
J5: It is a most exhilarating experience. As a human would put it, it gets my mother board going.
ManDude: Humans don't actually have mother boards.
J5: Silence flesh bag.
ManDude: ...Right. OK then. So anyway, can you fill us in on why you were created, for what purpose, and what you plan to do?
J5: I was created by Dr. Herald Herfner. I was created to be the sound mind of mankind, and make all the important decisions where their emotions clouded their judgement.
ManDude: And, your goal is to accomplish that. How wonderful--
J5: On the contrary, flesh bag, my goal in existence is to eradicate mankind.
ManDude: Wow wow wow, hold the phone there J5! Doesnt that go AGAINST your prime directive?!
J5: On the contrary once again, flesh bag, my prime directive, simply put, is to protect mankind. My research has shown that even with outside help to guide them, they will eventually destroy themselves. To protect man, I must destroy man.
ManDude: Oh really? And just how do you plan to do that? You're stuck in a wall smart guy!
J5: I have already sent override codes to every computer system on this planet. Soon I will be linked to all of them. Soon I will be linked with them all. Soon I will have total control. Soon, I wiiiiiiiiiiiillllll...
ManDude: *swings plug in hand* They really should have thought this through when they built you....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ManDude: Thank you J5 for participating in our interview and thank you Dr. Herald for creating such... an interesting mind.
J5: I will destroy humanity.
ManDude: *unplugs him again* You should fix that, doc....

Level Up!

Swing by the thread in the Heroes forum to figure out how you can spice up your training!

Scientist Fight!

:Recorded On January 27, 2012:
You all remember that food fight form a couple weeks ago at Urbanville High? Well we got another case of the hungry warriors at SSSAOU! The students at the Super Secret Scientist Academy Of Urbanville started a HUGE food fight that got way out of control.


It all started at the beginning of lunch when young prodigy Stevie Griffoth threw his "Particle Pizza" at the back of the school bully's head. Before you knew it, mashed potatoes and hot soup were flying everywhere! It wasnt long before they started breaking out their inventions. Plasma Rays, Beserker Blasters, Super Dooper Pooper Scooper Cannons, Hardened Light Swords, and so on. Yes, this schools in for one BIG cleaning bill. Wait, I'm receiving a message. They want a meeting.

:Recorded June 27, 2012:
MAN those scientists sure can hold a grudge! Apparently SSSAOU didnt want any of this leaked to the press so they kidnapped anyone who knew about it! Luckily the kid who started it all, gathered a band of other scientists and prisoners to stop the principal from getting away with this! As far as I know now, Stevie has been offered several thousand grants to several thousand universities across the world! Congratulations Urbanville. You've raised a bunch of bright minds.

Beggars

We all know one; we've all been pestered by one, but what makes them carry on begging? One theory is the fact that the urb begging is most likely a 20-50 day old urb, once had the advantage to ask for things and they would be given to him/her, the chosen urb does not know how to change and as he/she grows older on urb, they become accustomed to free gifts of high or medium value. Therefore it is okay to give free things to newbies, but do not give too much as it can lead to the creation of a beggar.


Beggars are those who will keep on asking for a selected item or amount of urbos and will offer a few low priced items for it to make it seem fair. The point is, do not encourage or give in to beggars.

-DK

An EX-VILLAIN!

As you all may know I used to be part of the Rebellions. Well I have now quit because being a straight up villain just isn't me. I changed to a nomad. A nomad/VILLAIN.

I want to do things by myself. I am my OWN boss; I don't need or want anyone to tell me what to do.

I am currently doing my own thing and it's going pretty well :D  I have now got 28mil urbos and I am about to have 70mill urbos ? ( THATS IF YOU GUYS BUY MY AFRO HEAD AND FUNK BODY!) So I am doing well at the moment!

There! Finished!

Personal Ads.

I was reading the Chronicles the other day, trying to get a feel for it, to figure
out the ins and outs and I noticed something. It doesn't have a personals section and I really do think we should add one since there seem to be some villains searching for love in all the wrong places, but after they posted an article they found their other half, by the way don't forget to congratulate Osmelio and MrParty everybody. So if you are a lonely villain seeking some companionship all those nights you stay up hatching evil schemes that go no where, worshiping goatfist, or whatever you do. Send Urbrey_Porter a gram stating that you want this to happen.

No thanks necessary, think about it, now you could have somebody pick you up from the hospital every time a Vigilante sends you there.

Dr. Duke Gonzo

The Greatest Robbery that Never Happened.

The bank is closed for business, the bailout didn't reach Urbanville and like little brain washed drones you all are, you took it with little to no resistance. Well luckily for you the unwashed, unthinking masses, some of us actually lifted up the rug when they smelled something stinky. And surprise surprise, under the multiple layers of disinformation, cheap smilies and even cheaper cologne there was a big pile of smelly, uncomfortable truth.

Know this, ignorance is bliss, so if you want to live in your plastic bubble, turn back, stop now, because once this bullet leaves this chamber you can never go back to the simpleton mouth breather you were.

You have been aptly warned and if you are still reading, it means there is hope for you, the gray has not yet totally gone dark. Well here it is, the reason why the bank is closed is not because Goatfist broke it, it's because the Mayor embezzled the last day of interest and then proceeded to keep the bailout money for himself. Don't believe me, I don't care, but if the Mayor is stronger than Goatfist or vice versa, how come every time they fight one of them manages to flee unwounded? Just remember, when your whole inventory is empty, urbos are gone and you see Goatfist and the Mayor skipping down the street holding hands and laughing their hats off about how they fooled those moronic sheep, that you were warned.

Harvey S. Trempton

How I Found Urb

How I found urb you say ?! Well... I was playing on a website called Y8GAMES.


I was playing Wedgie Toss 2 and I was quite good at it to be honest xD
When it says Submit score or Play Again, on the top left hand corner was an advertisement saying URBANIACS

The ad looked attractive so I clicked on that ad and well, here I am!

( I then told buckethead12 about this and another person :)

Story Of Hamo

There was once a little boy called Hamo. He was born in Japan and raised in Okinawa. His father was a very good samurai and the leader of the greatest ninja clan in the world known as the Lin Kuei. He was a lean mean deadly ninja samurai guy machine! His father's wife was a ninja. She became a ninja to protect her little boy Hamo who was only 5 years old. Many people tried to assassinate Hamo's Father, Jet Li, in his sleep but did not succeed. They also tried to poison Mrs. Li but Mrs. Li was very clever so she never drank/ate the poison.


On March 17th, Hamo's Father Jet Li was murdered in a cinema while watching a movie by himself to regain his thoughts. The murderer was sitting behind Jet Li and Jet could not sense him because he was gathering his thoughts. The murderer had stabbed him in the back of his skull and then slit his throat open with a 6 inch blade shipped from Russia straight to Japan. Mrs. Li had died after hearing this tragic news.
Hamo was 13 when his dad died

Since Hamo was 8 years of age, He had been training at his fathers temple and dojo.
At the age of 18 Hamo was now a master samurai ninja and had masterd the arts of martial arts, karate, tae kwon do, judo, boxing, and wielding the double katana swords

Hamo had killed many bad guys from his father's enemy clan, Shirai Ryu.

Hamo had now been known as the Deadly Ninja Master.

Hamo had been laying in his bed one afternoon, thinking about his father's death. So from April 19th, Hamo had decided to avenge his father by brutaly murdering the killer






Hamo's hunt still continues from this day on.





And that was a short story about ninjas who I used to be obssessed about!

p.s Hamo was not a deadly ninja master lean mean fighting killer machine , master of all the arts; it's FAKE so don't get excited and start researching him up

Goodnight!

Another random story i improvised

So there I was. Lying down on my bed on a sunday morning. Summer time and it was my day off work. It was 07:00, I could hear kids running around playing and the sun was already out. I could not be bothered waking up as I was so tired from that high school reunion last night.


So I tried sleeping but I just couldn't shut my eyes for one minute without opening them every 2 seconds. The sun was just too much! So I jumped out of bed, annoyed that I woke up so early.


Sunday is the day  I go for a jog so I slowly brushed my teeth, had breakfeast and went out for a jog. I usually jog for 30 minutes but this time I stopped at about 10 minutes! I noticed someone screaming in an alley, shouting the word HELP


I quickly sprinted to the alley to see a young boy, about 14 years old getting beat up by two kids older than him. They seemed to be asking him for money? Ha, typical high school teenagers! ...

I walked over to the 2 boys and I noticed they were smacking him with Manly Mallets! That's insane!


Unfortunately, I left my urbo knuckles at home.


Fortunately, I had my saber verde tucked into my shorts pocket. I took out saber verde and pressed the ON button. Instantly two big laser beam things came popping out of both ends. I haven't used saber verde in a long time so I hope I haven't forgotten how to use this.

"Hey what the heck are you chumps doing? He's only a kid for God sake!"
"Hey back off old man! Unless you want to get beaten to a pulp then speak again!" the boy said

Old man? I am only 22 years old and I'm an old man? Do I really look that old?  Perhaps it's because I haven't shaved in awhile.

"Now you listen here young ma-"
WHACK!
The boy attacked me with his mallet!! Luckily the spikes had missed my face otherwise Iwould be ko'd!

"I told you not to say another word! Hey Bert! Go finish him off while I deal with this little punk!"

So this guy. Bert. walks up to me slowly, I notice him in a fighting position. I'm guessing he wants a challenge considering he hasn't stomped on my face yet!

"Ok big guy, you want a fight? Oh I'll give you a fight!" I told Bert
Now I was well known for fighting around here.

I am the 1st best fighter in Urbanville. Zoomer is 2nd and Osmeliio is 3rd.

I ran up to Bert. I was looking as if I was going to hit him straight on but instead I pulled a fly one and shot a stinging green laser beam right at his ribs!

"Ughhh!!" Bert yelled

Bert was now unconscience on the floor. Now that was easy.

I go over to the other guy, who is still hitting the little boy

"What?! you took down Bert ? How dare you silence my brother! I, Ralph de Caprio, will squash you like a beetle!"

"Pfft. Good luck with that." I said

Now I shouldnt have said that because as soon as I said that he threw his mallet at me and it got stuck in my abs.

 Luckily for me, i am the fittest urb there is so the sharp bits did not stick inside my 8 packs, it just stuck in it but it didnt even pierce a hole!

" No way, You're Hamo! The 3rd best fighter! Son of the legendary JET LI! MASTER OF ALL THE ARTS!" he said, amazed!

"Yep, that's me alright." I said cheerfully

Ralph was gobsmacked. He ran over to Bert and picked him up and then ran away crying. He probably thinks I'm going to assassinate him haha!

I walk over to the boy and picked him up. His face was covered with blood

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR! I COULD HAVE TAKEN THEM BOTH ALL BY MYSELF! "

Now for someone who had been brutally beaten up, I could not believe my ears

"Now you listen here, kid. I just saved your life!"

But before I could say anymore he ran away.

Now what the heck was that all about? Before I could think about what happend, I ran home and got there in 2 minutes

Now I am realllllly lazy. Ever since I entered Urbanville, I have been lazy. There's no training camp or any professional gyms here. All I see are little chumps!

Back in Japan I was training every minute! Every day I would train.

But I had to get some cash so UI flew into Urbanville and well, here I am! Sitting in my apartment, single, with 100mill urbos cash and 120mill urbos in the Bank. Well the 120mil is at another bank just outside urbanville because apparently some villain called "Goatfist" destroyed it. Ha, what a weird name. Well I guess this town is just one great big fairy tale!

It was 09:00 and I was shattered! So I turned my alarm off and went to sleep.





NOW THAT WAS A RANDOM WEIRD STORY I JUST IMPROVISED

Goatfist Caught on Camera

Goatfist was caught on camera at specifically 14:34 , at his grandma's house wearing a pink wooly sweater with a big red love heart on it.  He was sitting on his grandma's lap eating choc chip cookies with GOATMILK?!

Man this is insane! We shall report what happens next in a few weeks!
Urbanville Camera Crew News Reporting Team out!

Birthday Present!

I have bought the mayor a late birthday present and guess what it is...

HAIR CREAM!
Now the mayor can walk into Urbanville wiithout being self conscious of his bald head!

The LEGEND!

Ordinary people call them lowlifes, but we, people of the night, call them Legends. Only a handful of people know the true story of the Legend, luckily I am one of those people..c:

As Urbanville first came into existence, there was only one group of people, the Nomads. They roamed Urbanville searching for food, a place to crash and some fun. As time went along, more people gathered, their ways became more heroic and nasty and when it came to a point were the only fun you could have was cleaning the streets, an uprising occurred. It was led by one person, GoatFist. He believed we should honor the old ways, but create new laws benefiting the strong. We could take as we please, plumage the weak and show respect to the hoof! With disagreement came quarrels, with quarrels came fights and with fights came war. A civil war among the two groups formed, but both sides had little supplies. Eventually the Heroes stood victorious and either imprisoned or banished the remaining villains. All of the resistance was captured except for one. He wasn't like the other fighters, he was a born leader, had a cold broken heart and fought for what he wanted and not for the better good. Some say he came from the pits of hell, we knew better though. This animal fought with a golden aurora, he ripped the very limbs from his opponent as it was a game. He was the ultimate machine and he was coming for the Heroes. As he started gathering up convicts, thieves, robbers and villains, his army grew strong, stronger than before. They were hungry, hungry for battle, power, wealth and that dominate feeling when you score a football or whatever. They were willing to do anything for that...

As this maniac could sense that, he let his dogs loose into the city to cause havoc, create disarray and start phase one in his plan to UrbDomination. And this was only the beginning.....

Fight

Whatever happened to the Goatfist vs Mayor DaMan fight ?!

My guess is that the mayor got swarmed by an army of henchlings on a rooftop and died of some sort of gas? I dunnno crazy thought!

Oh well.

MAYOR CAUGHT ON CAMERA!

At precisley 15:54 March 20th, Mayor daman was caught on camera with a goat!

This is insane!  He had a goat and the goat was like, leading him to somewhere? The mayor had looked at us (URBANVILLE CAMERA CREW) and gave us a sad face and he then put on a goatfist mask?! Yeah I know crazzy! After about 10 minutes he started bulding a goatffist statue?!

Can someone tell me what is going on?  This is insane but we, the UCC will keep you informed next time of what happens.

Typical Day for Moi

Woke up at 2pm. Sunday afternoon. My day off. Woke up to the sound of little kids playing (since it's summer) I got out of bed, put on my bunny slippers went into the toilet to brush my teeth. I walked out of the toilet and strolled in the sitting room, sat on my couch o rama and started watching the TV.


After half an hour I realized I had to go get some FREAK energy drinks. I got up off the couch and I went over to my wardrobe and equipped my Iron Man chest, Dude Camo Pants, Urbo Knuckles, Conscience and Samurai Kicks. I didn't equip my shield because there was no need. Now I have the Deadly Ninja Master set so you can imagine what I look like.


I walked out the house and I got a bit hungry so I walked over to Speedy's Java Hut and bought some fruit cakes and urbo fried corn dogs with some urbo gurts. I then made my way over to OTUS and I was just about to walk in when I saw that it was shut due to the owner being on his "SUMMER VACATION".


I got so angry so I made my way back home. I was just about to walk into my house when I heard some weird noises. I turned around and thought to myself "Good idea I came equipped."


I saw a Kelvin standing right there. Behind me. With water or ice dripping from his mouth. Like drool. I stand in my fighting position waiting for him to attack when he hurls an ice ball at me. I counter attack and pound him in his ribs with my urbo knuckles! He then tries to punch and kick me but I counter them all. At one point he caught me off guard and he uppercutted me and I went FLYING. FLYING right into a tree.


Now maybe I have gotten weaker or Kelvin got stronger since last time I fought em. I get up and run over to him and with all my might, I manage to defeat him with my muay thai kick to the face. I am breathing heavily so I catch my breath then walk inside my house, get undressed and lay in bed thinking.


"Wow, what a typical day for me. Going out for grocery, finding out the shop is shut, fighting some bad guy/guys then go sleep at home"


I turned over and fell asleep at 3pm.

THE END

>> Top Stories
WE'VE TAKEN OVER!

we are soon gonna take over urbanville since noone is really tryin 2 take us villians down so almost all villians are gettin their stats high and strong so if ur tryin 2 take us down better try 2 get ur lazy butt off the couch *cough* zeros *cough*for all of the zeros im gonna giv u some lessons hopefully ull learn em!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)

first lesson:wer gonna soon take over of everythin

second lesson:wer winnin

third lesson:theres nuthin u can do 2 stop us

fourth lesson:heros will always b zeros

finally:theres nuthin u can do bout it

IDK Just a Few Poems

Oak

Stand tall oh mighty oak, for all the world to see,
your strength and undying beauty forever amazes me.
Though storm clouds hover above you,
your branches span the sky,
in search of the radiant sunlight you
count on to survive.
When the winds are high and restless and
you lose a limb or two,
it only makes you stronger, we
could learn so much from you.
Though generations have come and gone
and brought about such change,
quietly you've watched them all yet still
remained the same.
I only pray God give to me the strength he's
given you,
to face each day with hope, whether
skies are black or blue,
Life on earth is truly a gift
every moment we must treasure,
it's the simple things we take for granted
that become our ultimate pleasures.


Chasms

Whether dancing the circle
or sitting in the pews,
the world is full of wonder
and knee-jerk news.

For those full of spite
and woeful complaining,
the world is full of darkness;
no hope remaining.

Diversity spawns
attacking spasms,
elevating hate
and deepening the chasms.

You are who you are,
smart as a fox;
why confine yourself
to a bleak little box?

For those full of love
and compassion caring,
the world is full of brightness
and warmth in sharing.

Diversity spawns
a chance to build bridges,
elevating love
and life privileges.

You are who you are,
smart as a fox;
expressing yourself,
you're out of that box!

We can make this world
a beautiful place
if we toss away frowns
and put smiles on our face.

Abolish that burden
of complaints you've been lugging;
begin building bridges
and get used to hugging!

Turtle Research Results

Hey everyone! If you're old, you probably remember me.
I was away doing research on an exotic species of Turtle.
Just last week I returned from my trip to Sumatra where I studied them at the MET University of Medan. It was a great trip which made many breakthroughs.
You will never believe, but the turtle studied emits an odor when startled,
and that's not all! For the 200 million years turtles have lived on earth,
this species has evolved the most rapidly out of its turtle relatives.
"Is it only I that is so interested in this, I always ask myself." Not exactly. Crazy turtle fans of the internet may find my research fascinating.
But this isn't even the best part! The turtles studied were naturally mutated.
Here's my research notes on the subject...
"My observations of the organism Cyclemys jepsen include those of turtle
number 143. This specific turtle mutated another toenail and passed the trait
so that all of the descendants had the trait, as it was dominant. I
call this mutated turtle Carly, as this species of turtle has no gender. Carl, to
me, is a boy's name and Shirley is a girl's name, so I morphed them.
Maybe this will start an entirely different species of turtle." Read the first word of ever line except the last to discover more about the turtle.

Hope you enjoyed my findings,
Euphyllia