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Issue 141

Feb 15, 2009

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>> Top Stories
February 15, 2009
Happy Valentines Day. Feh, it upsets my very core that I have to wish you imbeciles that but Ira mentioned it would be a great idea. Is it not great? Can you feel the love and the happiness? I can and it is telling me to go to the bathroom to vomit. This week’s issue includes:

Death_Pony discussing The Family’s issues. A suicide mission if you ask me.

Hobbes ranting about the word “hey” and all that it means. Wake me when he’s finished.

Rancid_Rawhide promoting the Hustle Alliance. Please can I join? Feh.

Afro_Chic responding to Poindexter’s previous article. Earmuffs? Anyone?

If you are interested, there is a Valentine’s Day Newsletter. I couldn’t create it, I didn’t have time to indulge in simplistic and ritualistic poppycock. Enjoy, twits.

Feh,

The Masked Editor
Support The Family
The heroes of Urbanvillain are DOA, my fellow villains. The Hopeless Alliance has fallen and we are now the true rulers of this town. Even Mayor DaMan has recognized villainous supremacy, or have you all had your head up your butts too much to notice all the new henchling gear coming out of Town Hall? Villains do it best and heroes are zeroes. That chapter is over and done with...

Onto other matters. Over the past couple months, I have noticed dramatic changes in The Family’s operation. We’ve stopped the pathetic fighting in our lower ranks, we’ve outlived the stupidity of the LoD, but now we’re becoming our own worst enemies and you’re all to blame!

First of all, when Sacred ingeniously wrote the now-outdated Family By-Laws, he made a pretty significant oversight. Termination from The Family can be made by a 3-2 vote, but termination of a LoS member is a little trickier. It’s not stated, as a result, it’s probably the prerogative of the V.I.C. who’s in and who’s out. And who’s the V.I.C.? Dudeman. Who are we prohibited from contradicting? The V.I.C.

This wasn’t a problem until a few weeks ago, when that knob Wolfkinght went around posting stupid things (And who did he insult? Dudeman). Basically calling out most of Urbanville. As I watched from my skeletal throne, I wasn’t disgusted by the comments of the halfwit, I was appalled at how everyone in the LoS turned so quickly on their fellow member when he lost the favor of Dudeman. Even in our prestigious ranks of The Family, our brethren turned a blind eye to the incident. And why shouldn’t they? Standing up for the knob would only hurt us in the long run. But we did nothing. I did nothing. Now, I’m quite furious.

The events that followed were worse. I will never accept True Nightmare as an equal for his actions that week. Continually dissing Wolfkinght? You need a legitimate reason, TN! Am I the only one who reads the freaking By-Laws anymore?! Sure, he’s fair-game once he’s a zero, but anything in excess could get all our butts fried by Admin. You want that?

Dudeman, what has gotten into you?! If you need to prove your man-ness, at least call out someone who speaks the same level of language as you. Make fun of Anderson. Did you suddenly lose your mojo when the Afro Freak called you the Master Baiter? Come on. That was nothing. We’ve been through worse scraps than a simple word-licking. For the sake of Urbanvillain, stop picking the easy fights! Anyone can beat on that zero Wolfkinght. I’m sorry to say it, but The Family is capable of a lot more evil than that. You are, too. I supported the attacks at first, but no more. We’re being held back.

Heh, I’m starting to see what that nerd Pointydexterous is talking about. We need to do things differently. And if you’re not going to move us into Town Hall, I’m going to do anything and everything in my power to take The Family to greater glory. The LoS only supports us because we’re the only game in town, but if we don’t get moving on new ideas quick, they’re going to leave. Then we’ll have another stupid LoD crisis on our hands and we’ve just gotten over that headache.

So their you go. You’re an example to the rest of the villains of how to act and were a shoe-in for Deputy Mayor. You even have the matching initials. Now because of the Wolfkinght thing, we don’t have a chance.

Granted, the zeroes are still weaker than us. So easy to bribe, too. You should try it sometime. Urbos talk, dear leader. They said what I couldn’t against your destructive path.

Funk off,

An Elite
hey Fever
A Rant by Dr. Richard Hobbes, expert “hey” meteorologist...Maybe:

Before I begin, Happy Valentines Day, everybody! Yay! And Happy Barfday to me in particular! *wallows in self-satisfaction* :D

Okie doke. Onto de buzznuss:

Approximately once a week, I receive an Urbogram which the writer has ingeniously entitled, “hey.” I swear to the heart of my tea-totaling mother, I have a list twenty players long who have typed something thereabouts, using “hey” as the subject of their inquiry. Yep. Including the lack of capitalization. The thing about these messages is, nine times out of ten they are never, ever, EVER asking about the weather or about how I am so incredible at everything. Nope. There are several very specific things these “hey” people are conquest-ing for, to which they cut the cheese – I mean, chase. I call them the seven symptoms of “hey” fever:

1. “HEYY ILL GIV 2 NEW BODY PARTS N BAND AID AND 2+5 MIGHT TPS AND A NEW ITEM CONSCIENCE”

Yay! He’ll give me free stuff. For no reason whatsoever! Alas, it seemed that was not his intent ...

2. “hey you want to buy char body Char +195 +79 +91 +90 +25”
This seems like more of a statement than a question. Yes, I want to buy a Char body, guy. That’s my sole purpose on this site; to look like a servant of Goatfist and pay for it. You’re a mind-reader, Nostradamus. -_-

3. “hey do you want to buy some cape-a-lisiouse”

A Cape-A-Limousine?! Wow. That sounds super-rare! Or maybe you meant Listerine or something. It’s hard to tell what the heck you’re talking about …

4. “hey wanna sell your master legs...send me stats if your interested”

YOU want to sell MY legs? Not happening, buddy. Pretty impossible, too.

5. “hey how much for your ninja legs”

Yes, my legs attract much unwanted attention. What can I say? They’re sexy. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to hack them off for the first bum who happens to stroll by. GET YOUR OWN LEGS, FREELOADER! D:<

6. “hey wanna trade your master legs for my dude legs and some urbos?”

I don’t think I’m making my point clear. Let’s try again. ‘hey wanna’ save for your own?

7. “hey how much for your ninja leg”

Again! Jeebus … it’s almost periodic. Let’s have some fun with this one …

“The immortal soul of one baby hobgoblin that possesses a bona fide spirit. No less!”

Of course, he responded most eloquently in attempting to clarify:

“lol wth does that mean how bout 0 urbos freak”

You’re having a bout of Zero Urbo Freak? LOL. What the heck does that mean, Muppet? How about this:

“Sure. I\\\'d really love to donate to you my ninja legs that only cost around 750k.

Especially after such courteous and engaging conversation.

My price remains the same, pal: one baby hobgoblin soul of bona fide spirit.”

I never got my darn hobgoblin spirit, either. Come on, Mr. XXX! That’s all it will take.

After a while, the examples become rather repetitive, but I’m coming to the point of the article. I’m absolutely positive I’m not the only one who has been plagued by the “hey” fever, so I’m going to make my cure to the disease well known. If I or anyone I know continue to receive “hey” fever messages, I will write an official list of the people responsible, go to Dudeman and beg on my knees with bribes aplenty for The Family to strike you with such force your whole family will vaporize and when you awaken your clothes will be back in style again...If they every were. Allow me to repeat it for you slower ones:

IF I OR ANYONE I KNOW – WHICH IS A LARGE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE – CONTINUE TO RECEIVE “HEY” FEVER MESSAGES, I WILL WRITE AN OFFICIAL LIST OF THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE, GO TO DUDEMAN AND BEG ON MY KNEES WITH BRIBES APLENTY FOR THE FAMILY TO PUT THE HURT OUT ON YOU. SERIOUSLY.

CONSIDER YOURSELF IMMUNIZED, “HEY” FEVER.

Best regards and Happy Valentines Day,

Dr. Richard Hobbes, expert “hey” feverologist, unofficially...
The Ever Pugnacious and Bodacious HA
Ah yes, it is a GREAT sight to see an old and ever present force of peace and triumph, rising from a depressing recessional period. Its beams are being replaced, bolted, and secured to an ever consistent fortitude. Its frames, and covers are being ripped out, only to see new ones put in its place. The H.U.S.T.L.E. Alliance stands, glory at mast, and its sails flailing gracefully in the wind that is Urbanville.

We welcome new members, young and old, to keep a valued, and necessary peace in its rightful spot! Join the HA, and triumph over evil. If you are not a crime fighter, we will teach you. If you are not a hero, we will show you. If you know not humility, we will help you. Join us, in the fight to abolish evil villains in their very tracks!
>> Editorials
Breaking the Glass Ceiling
Two weeks ago I sat staring at Poindexter’s well written article. I was staring for 2 reasons. First, I was remembering what it felt like to be a newbie on Urb. Second, I wondered about this “Glass Ceiling.” I mean, Urbaniacs is a funky place, right? So why are we letting something hold us down?

Some of you might sit there and say, “Pfft Affy, like you KNOW what it feels like!” You’re right, I don’t know what it feels like because whenever I was in a situation with people who didn’t accept me for me, I would always leave. I didn’t have a problem being alone and to be truthful, I wasn’t alone for long. Sometimes all it takes is for 1 person to say that they had enough before others begin to follow. The followers aren’t sheep, most of the time they don’t like confrontation. They would rather blend into the environment even if that meant being unhappy.

In the “Weekend Roundup Thingy” we always told you all to get out there and do things for yourself. Why? Well as soon as you start doing for yourself, you will be able to make your own rules. As for Poindexter, now that you are a rogue Villain what are you going to do? I mean, LoD was a GREAT idea but I agree with you, what’s the point of being the leader of a group if there isn’t any support? People forget that leaders need their members to participate so they won’t burn their candles at both ends. My question is, does this “Glass Ceiling” pertain to every disposition or just one? The only other group that you had experience with was the Hustle Alliance and Rancid has proved that there isn’t a “Glass Ceiling” there. I can’t speak for the Nomads or Vigilantes but I know that Funk-Ahhh-Delic ALT was created to give everyone a chill group to join.

I guess my question is, you are a Villain and you feel that there is a “Glass Ceiling” but if it is within your disposition, how are you going to change it? Sometimes being a solo act works, but what will you do when it doesn’t? Call it the Beatnik in me but I feel that you should get some friends together and do your own thing. Not under LoD, make a group, stick to it, work hard to build it up, become active in the forums and everywhere else. If you guys don’t change it, then that will be your fate...Pressed up against the Glass Ceiling, tasting all that is wrong with it. That’s not living, if you ask me.

Think about it.

Keep it Funky,
Afro_Chic