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Issue 140

Jan 31, 2009

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Issue 1

>> Top Stories
February 1, 2009
January is basically over. Feh, it does not matter. February will be filled with the same detestable events as January. People will still complain. They will demand items. Urbanville will still have a population of people with the I.Q. of a rotten potato. No, a rotting potato is more intelligent than most of you, my error. I am still very cantankerous and I am still Editor of the Chronicles. I would like to thank those who worked hard. Without your submissions, there would not be a Chronicles this week. I thanked you, now get out of my face!

Feh,

The Masked Editor

Articles for this week:

Poindexter discusses the Glass Ceiling of Urbanville. Another thrilling article about nothing.

Hobbes pays homage to J_TRANE. Hand me a plastic bag.

Love_Child does a forecast for February. I rather have a nap.

Scoop_McFanny spotlights the new Beatnik Development. This will work faster than a sleeping pill.

Afro_Chic writes about the protests outside her house. I wish they prevented her from writing this article.

Handsome_UWhantme answers yet another question. Why do you twits keep writing him?

These articles will supply enough entertainment for the dimwitted masses.
Glass Ceiling of Urbanville
I find Urbanville extremely intriguing and because of that factor, I constantly interrogate the older members of the site. I often inquire about how Urbanville was when it was a smaller community that formed in order to create what most members on this site view as a home. Throughout my many months of questioning and investigating the same theme keeps rearing its unattractive cranium, for no matter how many times I have viewed the facts, the truth is that there is a Glass Ceiling in Urbanville. Heh, I am also shocked for one would think that since Urbanville is a funky place this practice would not exist but alas it does and in my precise opinion, it is time that the Glass Ceiling is dismantled preferably by a brick.

Before I continue my article it is pertinent to state that dictionaries would define the “Glass Ceiling” as a situation in which progress, esp. promotion, appears to be possible, but restrictions or discrimination create a barrier that prevents it.

Heh, if you have just celebrated your 3rd Urboversary or close to celebrating it, congratulations for you are officially above the Glass Ceiling, provided that you are an upstanding citizen. You are the rule makers and if you decide to break a rule you have a plethora of friends who are willing to aid you and who are willing to defend you at any cost. It is indeed difficult for you to understand the plight of the new members for you have carved your niche and you joined during a time when life in Urbanville was open to new members carving their niche and building their own character, even if others did not agree with your decision.

Such is not the life of those of us under 3 years old for once you all carved your niche Urbanville’s elasticity turned to cement making it harder for us to obtain leadership roles and make changes to old aristocratic laws. It is not impossible for Rancid_Rawhide has changed the Hustle Alliance by becoming a Council Member within 2 days of his term. Heh, but then again, it could be that the Glass Ceiling is not imposed on us by all older members, which is the truth. There are older members who support the growth of the site by pushing the younger members into leadership roles, those members have my utmost respect.

Rancid has cracked the Glass Ceiling, how many more of us will do the same and if we do, is it important for us to focus on the old establishments or should we create our own. It is important to remember that it is impossible for someone to hold a leadership position if they do not have followers. This does not have to be a battle between old and new for in reality it is a battle between regression and progress. I shall terminate this article by stating that, the past is in the past, Urbanville will never return to those days so the more you hold onto them and impose archaic rules and morale on the new members, the more you will hinder the growth of this town. My younger brethren it is important that I say that in the event that you interact with a group that does not appreciate you the way that they should, perhaps you should find a group that will or enjoy the solo life for it is better to be alone than underappreciated.

It is a new time and a new dawn, we can either soar or be trampled upon and I may be a nerd, but I will never go down without a fight! Never underestimate how much I want to win a fight for I will surprise you!

Down with the Glass Ceiling up with Progression!

Precisely,
Poindexter
Chronicles Submission: The Glass Ceiling
Click here!
>> Editorials
J Trane: Big Brudder to Urbanville
Hobbes sheds a tear for the departing Trane:

I think I can speak for everyone when I say J Trane will be missed. Sure, the villains didn’t appear to like or tolerate Mr. J, but that’s simply sibling rivalry. Deep down, they are all very sad that their big brother will no longer be around to beat their butts twenty-four seven, as he did on many fondly-remembered instances in the past. It looks like that fast-food-reminiscent job is up to the rest of Urbanville now, and I can guarantee it will be a tough order to fill. “Welcome to Butt-Beaters. May I beat you butt?” No one did it like J did...

J Trane can be best remembered for his foundation of The Family or something. He was also largely responsible for the creation of the Villain’s Code of Ethics and for inventing the time machine while building the White House and conducting a symphony playing Beethoven’s Fifth. *Da-da-da-dummmmm*

Winding into stuff I may or may not be fabricating, J Trane also played an unknown role as a host on Affy’s weekend roundup. You know that guy who did that stuff on the show? I think that was J Trane. I know, I know. Surprising, right? He would say something and then Affy would giggle, resulting in the rest of us going around with a big smile on our face for the rest of the day. I mean really big smiles. Like this:

:D

Because we were like, “OMG. They are hilarious. That show just made my day.” Unless you’re Goatfist. In which case, the smile looked like this:

>:D

Because Goatfist is like, “OMG. I am evil. Evil is hilarious. I never listen to the weekend roundup because I’m too busy winning at evil, which doesn’t even make sense but I do it anyway! Moo! Or whatever...”

So, let’s thank J Trane for all the fun and happiness he’s given us. Remember the time he supplied Urbanville with free ice-cream the week that dairy shortage nearly destroyed us all? You don’t? What about the time he saved us all from the horror of fatty foods? Or that time he and The Masked Editor performed a disco that stopped an earthquake? Nothing? Really?! *Hrmf* Well, I think you’re simply ungrateful, dear reader. Even Goatfist is sad the J Trane’s gone. Have you noticed Mr. G’s been missing for a few weeks? It’s because he’s lonesome without his secret pal J Trane and is slipping into seclusion. Let’s not even mention what the poor goat would do if DaMan left town, but I’d suggest to all villainous followers and Henchling-types to have some comfort-food on standby. Just in case.

J Trane, wherever the wind may take you, I hope you have smooth sailing and clear skies. I will keep my fingers crossed and have already taken the liberty of crossing Simon’s stubby little digits for him. I eat my hat for you, Mr. J. It’s not very tasty. Bye, bye, big brudder! Fair travels!

Your pal,

Hobbes

And to all members of the Hustle Alliance: Please take some donations. You all forgot to get your Presentgettin’ gifts! If you don’t start coming, I will hunt you all down individually and make Simon force you take the presents! Forcefully! With force! Rawr.

>:O
>> Business
Urbstrological Forecast for February 2009
Happy February! I say this not only to welcome you into a new month, but also because happiness, trust and friendship are this month’s themes. Does that mean we’ll all be getting along in the Forums? Well it couldn’t hurt!

From the 1st to the 14th, Mercury goes direct in Capricorn. If you know an old goat, you know what I’m getting at here. If not, it means that practicality and sensibility will be major players. Use this time to review plans you’ve been considering and then implement your favorites.

You may realize that taking over all of Urbanville was far too ambitious a dream. However, conquering City Hall may suddenly seem within your grasp. Whatever course of action you decide on will most likely bring your goal to fruition. Go on, set it in motion and increase your self-respect stat! Hmm, there is no self-respect stat, is there? Well still, it’ll be good for the old mojo.

I can see Urbaniacs really shaking it up this month. Poindexter will become Supreme Villain of Urbanville! Heroes will become proactive instead of reactive! Nomads will set up a yurt camp on Main Street! Vigilantes will bribe officials to bring back UrboWars, bugs intact! Beatniks... well, they already do so much. Beatniks will continue to Do It Better! And maybe one of them will become a more objective journalist.

From the 2nd on, Mercury will be in Aquarius, bringing about an appreciation for friendship! While this means that Kelvin and Sparky will continue running in packs, it also means that there will be no sidekick strike!

Approach homeys with an open attitude and they shall respond in an extra cooperative way. And by open attitude, I don’t mean being open to people buying your stuff after you’ve sent them urbograms asking them to do so. Swap Meet Forum, people!

Jupiter conjoins the North Node in Aquarius throughout the month. This means that group projects can be especially productive! Idealism will inspire people to do things for the good of the whole. Does this mean that vigilantes across Urbanville will put aside their separate agendas and come together to reign supreme? Hard to say, but if it were at all possible, February would be the month it would happen!

As for the rest of us; if there is a movement, organization or cause you’ve been interested in, go check it out. Although, if you’ve been thinking of trying out for the Family, be aware that they closely resemble a labor union except without the pay and medical benefits.

From the 3rd to the 17th, the Sun conjoins both Chiron and Neptune in Aquarius. This is a good time to patch up past friendships and renew neglected ones. It would also be a good time for RUSHBOY, OGRE, Breaker and many other Old Dogs to resurface in Urbaniacs Society again.

On the 9th, there will be a Lunar Eclipse at 21 degrees Leo which will herald in a six month period of learning lessons on an emotional level. What does this mean? Well for one thing, it means that we must make time to play! It’s important to balance your hectic career with activities that bring your personal happiness. I’m looking at you, CrimsonKing and Dudeman.

For instance, ever wonder why Goatfist always seems so uptight? He hasn’t spent any time doing his finger painting; not since Righteous Rachel made fun of him for having no fingers. There’s a saying about roads to bad places being paved by Do-Gooders.

The other emotional lesson to be learned is the value of a healthy ego. So if you happen to be an entertainer or celebrity, GET OVER YOURSELF!

Moving on, Saturn in Virgo is in opposition to Uranus in Pisces all month. It adds a little bipolar flavor to February. One minute, you could be mired in frustration, and in the next minute, you’re breaking free doing something completely rebellious.

Here’s the deal. If you’re acting on a willful whim, you’ll meet with opposition. Say McPete has planted one too many flowers in front of your lair. You run out to wedgie toss him into next week and end up throwing out your back. Yeah, heheh, he isn’t a lightweight like Johnny is.

However, if you analyze the situation and consider the needs of others as well as your own, you could leave frustration behind for freedom and independence. Even if it means being free behind barbed wire to be independent from unwanted flowers.

The new moon is for wishing. It occurs on February 24th at 7:35 UST. To make the most of this powerful time, write down your wishes (not more than 10 please!) on the evening of the 24th or the day of the 25th. Since it will be a New Moon in Pisces, choose wishes pertaining to the Piscean themes of unconditional love, compassion, bliss and power over escapism.

Written wishes should look something like this:

~ I want to find myself bringing flowers to Kelvin in the hospital after I beat the blue out of his butt single-handedly
~ I want to consciously experience joy as I spar with others in the Urbanville Streets.
~ I want the habit of losing challenges completely lifted from me. (For this one I’d also pair it with a lot of time spent logging game playing experience.)

Happy wishing, happy learning and happy cooperation makes for happy homeys. I’m not available for individual consultations, so please don’t bother me. ;)
New Trophies: Curtsey of the Beatniks!
Yo! If you’re ever wonderin’ why you should work hard to get your art on, check out Love_Child’s lair. Go on! Ya got time! I’ll wait...

I am feelin’ those trophies! According to Love_Child and Afro_Chic they will be keeping’ track of those who submit Chronicle articles and Gallery submissions. They actually broke down the numbers but I wasn’t payin’ attention, the bling had my hypnotized! Yo, I want one of those trophies! I gots to have one so that when Handsome and I go out, I can show off, ya dig? If you want more information, you gots to check out the new UrboCast on www.urbaid.com.

Holla At Your Boy!

Scoop
Protesters
It started like every other morning in my crib. I woke up, wiped my eyes. I walked over to my bathroom and glanced at myself in the mirror. I looked good (as always) so I smiled at myself in the mirror and grabbed my toothbrush. As the Mistress of Funk, I am always showing my teeth because I either smile a lot or grit my teeth at those who try to kill the funk so oral hygiene is very important to me. I leaned over my sink to spit one final time before grabbing my mouthwash when Preston stepped into my bathroom. I looked at him through the mirror. He didn’t look too happy so I scrunched my nose, which is my way of asking him, what was going on. He growled and pointed to the window in the living room. I swished my mouthwash as I walked through the kitchen and made my way to my sidekicks who were all crowded in front of my window. As my eyes opened more and my mouth continued to swish I noticed a group of people outside my window with signs, eggs, and kaniswind with a bullhorn. My mouth flew open, causing me to douse my kid covett, Prescott, with a mouthful of mouthwash. He’s invisible but I could tell that he was upset.

At first I thought that I was in a backwards world where I was “the man” and the majority of Urbanville turned into Beatniks! Then I noticed that there was another side in that group of protesters, people who were out to protect me! Mantis was trying to hand out brownies while Rancid and Dragus stood in front of my door with a look on their face that dared anyone to mess around with me. Got to love those Beatniks! I told my sidekicks to whip out their ear plugs and continue doing whatever it is that they were doing, expect for Prescott, I told him to go take a shower. It was an interesting few days that included a visit from Mayor_DaMan, a huge fake horse on my lawn, eggs being thrown, and a member telling me that if I don’t make a new show, he refused to get better. That broke my heart!

Well, to Goober, kaniswind, and everyone else, there is a new show! My new partner and I wanted to have some space between the new show and the Weekend Roundup Thingy but never fear, the new show is out right now! That’s right check out www.urbaid.com and get off of my lawn! Before you go, replace ALL the flowers that you ruined by stepping on them! For those who ate Mantis’ brownies, relax, you’ll go back to normal soon. Go home, close your eyes and sleep it off. Stop worshiping Preston because first, he is not a short hairy god and second, you’re making his ego grow!

Thank you for your support. I hope you enjoyed hanging out in front of my crib. You don’t have to go home but you have to get the heck out of here!

Keep it Funky,

Afro_Chic
>> Ask Handsome
V-Day Pimp
Dear Handsome,

How do I get a girl to give me candy for Valentine’s Day? I don’t want to spend money but I want to be pampered so help a playah out!

V-Day Pimp


Dear V-Day Pimp,

Handsome is perplexed by this question. The true player does not have to trick a Lady into giving him something cheap like candy for Valentine’s Day. A true player takes care of his Ladies and in turn my Ladies take care of Handsome. Handsome believes that you are not a player and that the term you best fit is a gigolo which is the lowest of low in Handsome’s eyes. Keep away from Handsome and stay away from Handsome’s Ladies.

Who’s Your Daddy? That’s right, Handsome!

Handsome U. Whantme