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Issue 120

Feb 19, 2008

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Issue 1

>> Top Stories
Battle Digest 2
This is a sad, sad week for this column... for two reasons.

First off, I only have 3 battles to report. And each one involved ME! Not only that, but they are well over a week old!

Why is that, you ask? Well it's because YOU, the readers, have not been sending me your battle transcripts! I can't be everywhere at once folks! If you want a reliable posting of the previous weeks' battles, then you have to do a little bit of copy and paste. If you don't want the column... well, that problem is for a different time.

The second factor making this article so depressing is kind of personal. As I already said, I was involved in all three battles I am here to report... and I was on the losing side in each of them! Who's fault is this? Well, I guess more mine than anyone elses. But this is soon to change! I've enlisted in Scoop's Gear for the Gearless project, and this article gets me one step closer to pumping up my stats! And can anyone say... one-time-use items? Lets just say that I shouldn't be so useless to my team in future battles.

Now, enough of my chitter-chatter... let's get on to what you are REALLY here for:

Battle #1:
A_Man, DarkAng3l, MrAnderson, and myself versus Kleep85, Mantis, OGRE, and Super_Aaron.

Heroes versus Villains, for the most part.

The battle starts out with the Villains getting a few VERY important hits in! I believe both of Super_Aaron's first attacks were a 25% cut of MrA's health! The Villains certainly had quite the luck against MrA, who was probably the most prominent member of the Heroes' team.

This bad start left the Heroes with apparently quite low morale. Hits weren't high, and there were a number of Heroes who failed to move in time(including myself... I have GOT to watch the time better)!

After MrA went down, not even DarkAng3l's impressive stats stood a chance against the Villains. The victory was an overwhelming one in the Villains' favor.

Battle #2:

Surfer_chick and myself, versus J_Trane.

Not much to report here. This battle ended up being a lot more chat than fight, but surfer_chick and I never really stood a chance. J_Trane's stats were just overwhelming compared to ours, and he had no trouble swatting us away.

Battle #3:

You know what? This was a one on one battle between me and someone else... I doubt you really care. Here it is: I lost to calmedavidordave2. I know... sad, right? I'm older than many of the Big Dogs, yet I can't out-battle a Newbie...

But like I said earlier: Not for long!

That's it for this week! But if I don't get some transcripts sent in, then I really can't see this Column going anywhere. Right now, its more talk about me than about the battles... And I need YOU to change that!
MySpace/Facebook Contest Winners!
What's groovin' Urbanville?

After a LONG 2-3 month period, the winners of "Funkin' up the Cyber World" have finally been chosen! *smiles* Without further adieu, the winners:

First Place:

DarkAng3L

Congrats Chica! I believe your claymation action figure of yourself earned you some hardcore creative/funky points! Enjoy your +25 training pass and your Double Staff Infection!

Second Place:

Taker

Not too shabby Homey! Your rants and style of writing was entertaining and engaging! You had some great character development when you told the story of how you were once a Hero. Enjoy your +25 training pass!

To everyone else who entered, your pages rocked in their own ways! *smiles*

Congratulations to both the winners! Go check out their pages and invite them to be your MySpace homey!

Keep it Funky!

Affy
The Mistress of Funk
Henchling Kevlin's Greatest Hit
Hi Urbanville!

When Henchling Kelvin declared his greatest accomplishment ever was going to be printed in the Chronicles (or “Khronicles” as the “C”-impaired big blueberry would call it), the staff immediately responded with “Hey, let’s send the chick”.

Thanks a lot guys. I will make you all pay for this.

So it’s my surreal duty to interview the one-and-only (I hope… Goatfist… please… don’t clone this one) Henchling Kelvin!

Honnah: Did you have to crash through the window like that?

Kelvin: MUAH HA HA HAAAAA… your puny doorway was not large enough for my greatness!

Honnah: You DO realize that smashing through glass usually results in multiple lacerations?

Kelvin: MUAH HA HA!! Puny lacerations will not stop a creation of MASTER GOATFIST!

Honnah: I know you’ve got a tonne of health, but you’re getting blueberry juice all over the carpet. Would you like some band-aids?

Kelvin: MUAH HA HAAAA!! Yes.

(Kelvin bandaged himself while I scheduled an appointment to have my office steam-cleaned)

Honnah: So, Kelvin – what is this great announcement you wanted printed in the Chronicles?

Kelvin: I, the MIGHTY HENCHLING KELVIN, have defeated in combat, Goatville’s most beloved figure!

Honnah: Alpaca Da Rappa?

Kelvin: What? NO!! Alpaca is too cute and goat-like to be worthy of my malice. AFRO CHICK!

Honnah: It’s pronounced “Chic”

Kelvin: CHICK!

(The point was argued for about five minutes, and then I decided to ignore it)

Honnah: I can’t help but notice… you said “Goatville”

Kelvin: Yes.

Honnah: Given your preference for not living in reality, I’m going to assume you didn’t mean “Urbanville”

Kelvin: Of course not! Urbanville was destroyed long ago, and Goatville was born from its ashes, founded by our glorious leader, MASTER GOATFIST!

Honnah: And Mayor DaMan?

Kelvin: A tragic figure, driven mad by the truth, has taken solace in denial and continues to incorrectly refer to Goatville as “Urbanville”.

Honnah: So Mayor DaMan is insane? And all the OTHER people who still call it “Urbanville”?

Kelvin: Also tragically insane.

Honnah: And they’re running loose in the streets of Urb… I mean, Goatville?

Kelvin: Sad, isn’t it? We simply didn’t have room in the Insane Asylum for all the poor, mad non-goat-followers… so we just let them out and try to keep them on a short leash.

Honnah: So all the insane people have escaped? You mean, I could be talking to one right now and never know it?

Kelvin: I know you’re scared, but trust in MASTER GOATFIST and all will be fine!

Honnah: If all the crazies are walking the streets, who’s left in the asylum?

Kelvin: Oh, we converted it into the burrito factory.

Honnah: Ahhhh… Thank-you Kelvin, it ALL makes sense now.

Kelvin: You’re welcome. Say, you’re not as big a FOOL as the rest of the idiots I’ve beaten to a pulp! And you’re kinda cute for not being half-goat. Saaaaaay… you want a piece of this action? I could have MASTER GOATFIST hook you up with a cute set of hooves you know…

Honnah: Thanks Kelvin, but my doctor’s advised me against having any genetic manipulation or mutations. I’m… allergic.

Kelvin: What a shame! Well, that’s all the time I have for the FOOLS who read the Chronicles. Remember: ALL HAIL MASTER GOATFIST!!

Honnah: Kelvin, would you please just use the … oh crap…

And then he smashed through my doorway on the way out. And that Urbanville, or “Goatville” for my readers in the “burrito factory”, is a scary glimpse into the mind of Henchling Kelvin. I’m getting a new office, and until next time – URB ON!
>> Comics
Crossworld Puzzle

Check out new crossword puzzle!!!!!

Gear for the Gearless
Gear for the Gearless Ad
>> Editorials
STILL KOOL!
My other big announcement:

I AM STILL KOOLER THAN ALL OF YOU MORONS!

MASTER GOATFIST RULES!

Oh, and BLUE is awesome, my hands are not covered in bird poo, and Super Dummy, Dummbers, Afro CHICK, the dirty hippie's Love Child and Honnah LOSER all want me.

Vote in my lair for who wants me the most. (evil kackle)
Friendly Reminder
Never thought I had to say this. No wait, I did. The "Speak Out" feature makes it easier to submit articles. That's what you use it for and not for mindless patter. If you have an opinion, go to the forums. If you want to beg for urbos or other items, take that nonsense somewhere else. If you want a place to talk because you're bored, keep it to yourself. I don't want to read it. Your ridiculous "articles" will be deleted and forgotten.

Feh. You've been warned, imbeciles.

The Masked Editor