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Issue 108

Oct 14, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Editorials
Variety

Bah. Another week of Chronicles submissions to filling up my inbox and my mind with tripe. What have I done to deserve this, that’s right, I asked Ira to become the Editor of the Chronicles. Even I make foolish mistakes. Yet this week’s editorial isn’t about my idiotic blunder nor the lack of faith I have in Urbanville’s writing talents as a whole. No, this editorial is about a recurring theme and not the projectile vomiting that I often partake in due to the lack of coherency in the weekly submissions. That was last week. This week I realized something. Why are the majority of the articles focused on Ira’s new 70’s doll, Angela Davis wannabe, Beatnik? A Beatnik with a job is an oxymoron within itself. A Beatnik who has gone from a self-professing slacks and flip flop wearing free-spirit to a new job that puts her within the realm of “the man” that she vows to fight. This is the part where Afro_Chic reaches into her bag of monotonous repartee and replies with the popular ghetto phrase, “Don’t hate.” I hate not. My issues aren’t with the self-proclaimed Diva. It’s with the Afro_Chic centered hogwash that I receive in my inbox week after week. If I am forced to read crap, there should be a variety. That’s right. I like a variety of crap. Since you are all so tiny minded, wasting your hours and miniscule writing talents on the Britney Spears of Urbanville, I’m challenging you. I’m taking time out of my busy schedule to suggest that you pick a topic other than Afro “Lindsay Lohan” Chic for the Chronicles.

”But Masked Editor, if we can’t write about Affy, what will we write about?

I figured I would stump most of you glue sniffers so here are some suggestions:

* SydneyAlice and her dirty laundry. She does nothing but gripes and wonders why people call her grumpy. We all know that the life of the party is usually found in the corner snarling at everyone else.

* DarkestHour. There are too many topics. Pick one, anyone. Does the ex-newbie with low stats frighten you? There are still sidekicks who can give him a run for his money.

* H.U.U. Or what I like to call “Huu (pronounced “who”) are you?” A new group created to mask the past failures of the Heroes. The past failures meaning the Hustle Alliance.

* The 3% interest drop and the Whiners who hate it.

* Isn’t it time for another Family Reconstruction? According to their pattern, we’ll see one soon.

* The Family and how all of their leaders eventually forsake them. (You voted The_Legal_Eagle in and now he wants nothing to do with you. Smart man.)

* Elsid. Who is he? What is he?

* The Vigilantes and why no one talks to them or cares about them.

And many more...Did you think I was going to do everything for you? Do you want me to write the article too? Put your pathetic name at the top?

I got these topics because I used my mind. That squishy stuff between your ears is a brain. It’s supposed to be used for thinking and not for worshiping the boob tube while Sponge Bob Square Pants entertains you.

Try not to hurt my mind too much. Though my expectations of you all are already low.

The Masked Editor
Down the Drain: The Hippie and the Panderer

FROM THE OFFICE OF THE EDITOR:

Just because the massive, maniacal twit types in caps in the forum, that doesn't mean I will let him do the same here. Bah. Enjoy his tripe without the migraines.

The Masked Editor




Big happenings these days in Urbanvillain, apparently. First up, an election was held for Deputy Mayor. Great, another public servant, just what this town needs. On the strength of the villainous voting block pulling together, The_Legal_Eagle was elected the first DM. So in his first week, what does he do? Impale the Mayor on that silly cane of his? No, although that woulda been high on my list. No, he instead turns his back on his heritage, on the very Family that put him on the map, and starts being Good! He even tried to talk smack in the forums to me! It would appear he is not only a bird lawyer, but a bird brain. I blame myself, really. I should have known a lawyer would turn out to be a pandering, bandwagon-jumping, spineless jellyfish. City Hall, you voting idiots, is now occupied by Mayor_DaMan and The_Legal_Eagle, or The Pimp and his Ho, for short...

Second, a large, fuzzy dirigible was seen floating downtown, growing larger by the minute, displacing several building with its sheer girth. What, that wasn't a hot-air balloon? Are you serious? Sorry, my cranially challenged compatriots, it is apparently just the ego-inflated head of Afro_Chic after she received a power-up and new style from the Mayor. Yes, the woman whose nose was stuck so high in the air that she caused the hole in the Ozone layer when she sneezed has been promoted! Now an official member of the staff, be sure to deluge her with your incessant whining and puling.

Is it a coincidence these so called arch-nemesis' both manage to land power positions at the same time, or were they in cahoots all along? Urbanvillain, we have been Played! I wouldn't be surprised if those forum rumors about their impending domestic bliss weren't 100 % accurate!
Serves you right, you insignificant unbelievers. You should have bowed your knee to me long ago, I would have taken care of you. There is blessed peace in the glory of the Goat. The mark of the Hoof would protect you. Better the Goat you know, then the Politician you don't....

Next time, we shall discuss this bizarre fascination with what is under my robes. Degenerate perverts. You should all be placed on a watch list and be forced to register your residences.

.GOATFIST.
>> Politics
The Mistress of Funk
Dear Urbanville,

On the eve of my 2nd Urboversary, it is with great pleasure that I accept this title. It all started from a cool nickname that my Sis, Tiger_Eyes, gave me about 2 years ago and now look at it.

I know many of you worry that with my new outfit that the tree hugging Affy has gone away. I am here to say that is not the case! Ira and I have had a long talk about this and he was right. If I am to have the title, I must look the part. Since my role is revolved around funk, it was decided that my new look should be modeled after a 70’s icon. So I got all Foxy Cleopatra on y’all! *winks*

To all of those rumors about plastic surgery, please. That ain't my bag, ya dig? It's hard to see what a sistah is workin' with under her gear. Does this mean you’ll never see the Kitty that you grew up with? Of course not! You will see my claws in battles because Ira has informed me that if I get my suit dirty, I will have to pay for the dry cleaning. For all you cats who have an issue with my skirt being this length, uh let me say that anything is better than a loin cloth and if you don’t like it, you have these things called eyelids...CLOSE THEM. Fellas, if you get too fresh, my pimp cane will put you in check.

In closing let me say:

*the room goes dark with a spotlight on Afro_Chic as Preston brings a keyboard on the stage*

*sings while standing on a balcony*

I am still sassy, but you'll think I’m strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still need your love after all that was done
You won't believe me
All you will see is the Kitty you once knew
Although she's dressed up to the nines
At sixes and sevens with you
I had to let it happen, I had to change
Couldn't stay all my life just a Beat
Looking out of Chill Spot, relaxin’ in the sun
So I chose City Hall
Running around, making things funkier
But nothing has changed me at all
I never expected it to
Don't cry for me Urbanville
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My flirty existence
I kept my sassy
Don't keep your distance
And as for politics and as for fame
I never invited them in
Though it seemed to the world they were all I desired
They are illusions
They are not the excitement they promised to be
The answer was here all the time
I dig you and hope you still dig me
Don't cry for me Urbanville
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My flirty existence
I kept my sassy
Don't keep your distance
Have I said too much?
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you. (Preston: Yea Right!)
Pardon me I have a fresh wereboy to kill right now
Everything I said is true


I will catch you all on the Urb side. Come here Preston...

Keep it Funky,


Afro_Chic
The Mistress of Funk

*runs after Preston*
Urbanvillain...A funky evil sort of town.

Sure we have our share of riffraff here and there, namely a frizz headed, short skirted, big mouth that overly enjoys the “beatnik herbs.” But what would this town be without the lowly undesirables, we would be bored and complacent. Lately it seems as though things have been picking up again. Certainly more topics are being discussed in the forums, we have had our fill of elections and we have been getting back to our raucous selves. Even GoatFist has been more prolific in his interactions. This leads me to my point....if I even really have one.

The Family is the most powerful and active group on the site. Oh sure the HA or the HUU or whatever they are trying to call it these days, will complain saying they have more members and blah blah blah. The Family has a wide range of very active Urbs, from the very old and crusty CK to the relative noob. The LoS which is the launching pad for a prospective Family member is a place where young or old Urbs can get the help they need to realize their full evil potential. So whether you are new to town or an older player who hasn’t found the right home yet, check out the LoS and the Family. We maybe grumpy, territorial, and evil but we are also a smoothly running EVIL EMPIRE. We also don’t have that annoying gnat running around headquarters making up new councils, committees and what not making himself the leader. Follow the trail of dead zeros over to the Villains Forum and sign up today or you might regret it.
>> Top Stories
Who loves me?!

Recently, after hugging too many trees, I was in a...

Lovey dovey mood. While in this mood, I made a sweet thread in the Big Dogs' forum admitting my feelings for them. Lo and behold, out of left field came SydneyAlice professing her love for me!!!!

No, pigs didn't fly that day. I also checked with DudeMan and he said that Hades didn't freeze over. He went there to visit because he owed the devil something. It could be the reason for his recent nuptials. Who knows?

Now, Sydie is going around crying, "It's a joke! I was messing around! I was playing with Affy's head!" Pfft! Let her say what she must...We all know the truth! *winks*

To honor Sydie's recent epiphany, I designed this:



Click the picture to view Sydie's moment of truth!

Oh Sydie. I love you like a cat loves it's fleas...

And that's a truth that I won't ever retract. *giggles*

Affy
The Urbanville 12: Part 9


Looks like our little game is windin' down. Didja get ya +25 trainin' pass?

Keep tryin'!

Scoop



The Urbanville 12: Part 9: Clue 1
The Urbanville 12: Part 9: Clue 2
The Urbanville 12: Part 9: Clue 3
The Urbanville 12: Part 9: Clue 4
>> Comics
Gossip Column

What funky junk is happening in Urbanville?? Juicyfruit or "Mama Love" is here to tell you!! Perspiring minds want to know!!

(Please note...these are rumors NOT fact...but they could be hehe...no dissing me because of my creative genius :P I am not here to protect the innocent hehe... Just telling it from my lil Juicy perspective.

Please note in the following anything in (parenthesis) are Juicyfruit's thoughts:

Well, I heard a rumor and then saw it with my own two eyes!! O_O

Hey! This Juice isn’t Organic:

We were all wondering if Affy was going to the dark side of Goatfist and then someone mentioned a cure.. DaMan's winning smile? (It's PAMPRIN – that was keeping Affy from being evil!! Why is no one listening to me!) .... The "winning smile" was supposedly the winner... but alas...the truth is in the pudding.. (Where did that saying come from.. sheez hehe)... because she has caved into.... *DRAMATIC EVIL MUSIC PLEASE* Da da DAAA!! ... VANITY.. (one of the 7 deadly sin doncha know)!).. Yes she has plowed, face first into ...

..The World of Plastic Surgery... yes our own beloved Afro_Chic has fallen from grace into the world of Nip N' Tuck!!! O_O (I didn't even know we had one of those in Urbanville!!)

What happened to our wild, nature like girl with the big eyes, broad smile, skinny legs and tattered raggedy skirt? Gone, I tell you gone!! The humanity of it all!! She doesn't even look ANYTHING like she used too??! O_O

The list of changes is endless... nose job, chin reduction, eye reduction (unusual really but in this case it works), cheek implants., mouth reduction (some would cheer lol), AND of course bO_Obie implants!!! (I am SO jealous) and leg stretching surgery (is that possible?).. fatty transfer... (Affy's got back! O_O) lol

It's just plain sad!! (I so want to have that done to my character!!). The girls should revolt!!! (if anyone knows a way that I could get on the waiting list.. let me know!) Is this where Urban values of fallen into, just sheer Vogue looks?!? (..and I would like the same body type please..
minus the pimp cane - that is what Affy called it! LOL) Do the girls need to look like a James Bond girl to be in the upper crust? the socialite scene? management? (and please get rid of my 5 o'clock shadow hehe).

There’s an Animal Hair in My Cup:

Of course this leads to my conspiracy gossip and my official guess of what I would put down in Dark_Ang3L contest .. what do you imagine Goatfist looks like...

.... ever seen the Wizard of OZ?!?! Great book and fun movie.. Remember the scene where Dorothy, Tinman et al. is talking to the great and powerful OZ? Well imagine that OZ is Goatfist.... and me (as Dorothy) and Puncherjoe (as the Tinman - cause Punchjoe is so nice and has to live into 2 houses surrounded by a bunch of females!! - but another gossip.. FOCUS juicy
FOCUS), Flaming_Hair_Jim (he's smart - thinks he found a way to beat the "toilet paper" system! "Wink" and that fabulous flaming hair! Sigh) and...sheez who is cowardly.. Well no one I know.. Hmm.. Okay Zeebert who is not cowardly but curious?!?! lol (who by the way said the whole "spooning thing" was a vicious lie!! What can I say? I am running a gossip column!!! But Zee is definitely a wild, nature boy (he's dreamy! he run's around in the buff!) and by his own convo which I heard with my own ears, "I will try anything once." Aha!!! Sounds like an early college exploratory year confession to me!!) .. Okay I am going off track... So imagine the four of us standing before the great and power GOATFIST... and remember the part in the movie when Toto Dorothy's dog pulls aside the red curtain and OZ or Goatfist (in this scenario). Yells out. DONT LOOK BEHIND THE LITTLE RED CURTAIN!!! O_O ...well imagine Fruitloop (my sidekick) pulling aside the curtain and who.. Who ... WHO.. Could it be?!?!? (Suspenseful isn't it)... okay, hang on to your juicyfruits...because this ain't pretty... It's.. It's.. IT'S
Mayor DaMan!! Yes!!! HE is the person behind the little red curtain! Goatfist and DaMan are the same!! (And this is not the 10 days of NYQUIL talking!! lol).. I may be part of the lunatic fringe @_@ but I ain't blind.. It is so obvious!! DaMan even has a "goatie!!" So that winning smile.. Didn’t cure Affy.. It pushed her over the edge into altering herself.. (Mayor.. my number is 999-123-9876, schedule me in anytime!) Oh man, this story is so big.. Okay.. If no one sees me here after this Sunday it is because I have been taken away by.. The Man (who else? lol)... or Big Brother.. So many names these days (and I would like to have super blonde golden tresses to match my Juicyfruit logo.. that's all hehe).. Seriously if no one sees me in a week.. I have been kidnapped!! To find me.. um.. umm..ask .. Summers!! (sshh she knows how to get rid of peeps O_O)