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Issue 105

Sep 24, 2007

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Issue 1

>> Editorials
Love

Once again, Handsome comes to you with a heavy heart. Handsome was comforting one of his various Ladies when the Masked Editor called Handsome and told me to write this article.

Urbanville, where is the sweet love that I’ve asked you all to make? How long do you think a town like this will last with all of this hatred and beefing? Handsome knows what your problem is; Handsome has all of the Ladies so you fellas don’t know how to act. Fine, Handsome understands this deeply and he is willing to relinquish 25% of his Ladies so there can be more loving and less fighting. Urbanville should be growing not shrinking. Handsome knows what he is talking about.

So the next time you want to fight, listen to Handsome, find a Lady and turn that hatred into sweet sweet love! Ladies the next time you want to fight, find Handsome and I’ll help you turn your hatred into Handsome devotion! Handsome will have your head spinning! You will forget all of the drama that’s ailing you. Look into my eyes Ladies. Feel my energy. Get wrapped up into Handsome’s sexy. Handsome won’t hurt you. Handsome just wants to love you.

All this bickering needs to stop. Urbanville needs love. The fellas need love. The Ladies need love and Ladies, Handsome is the man to love you!

Love, not hatred. That’s what Urbanville needs to survive.

Handsome U. Whantme
>> Top Stories
The Urbanville 12: Part 6


The Urbanville 12: Part 6: Clue #1




Will this serial killer make it to numbah 4? I gots a +25 tp for the person who stops him!

Scoop
The Urbanville 12: Part 6: Clue #2




Dat was uglier than Masky when he removes that thing around his neck! +25 tp...Ya want it? Come and get it!

Scoop
Rap Battles


I feel dirty. Since Scoop is handling the Urbanville 12 and Handsome is doing the main editorial, I’m stuck dealing with the Rap Battles. Feh, I would rather be best friends with Handsome and Scoop before listening to Hip Hop. Yet here I am writing this article.

So there I was at the first round of the Rap Battles. Cringing in my seat as each contestant participated. I didn’t know what was good or bad. All I knew was all those words punished my cerebrum. The fools around me were getting into it, but then again, I bet a shiny light would also capture their attention. I would call them children, but even a child has standards.

For the Heroes, Gizmo_Tracer was chosen to advance to the second round. Is there any doubt? With wonderful lines like “Sans that ideology, according to criminology/Superstitious and cowardly, worst case sociology” it’s easy to see why he advanced, right? Right? Wrong. If a 3 year old can rhyme, why can’t he? Criminology...Sociology. Try saying those two words together. I’ll wait. Do you see that they don’t rhyme? Close your mouth and listen to me. They don’t rhyme, yet he was the best of the Heroes. Go figure. They don’t fight. They don’t stand up for themselves. Why should I expect them to know how to rhyme?

Now the Nomads. I was tortured with the words of the returning winner, Breaker. He showed us why the Rap Battles were corrupt. “The Vigilante girls will whine when I’m done/If I even get started they'll go tell their mum.” Oh right, that’s art. I may not know a thing about Hip Hop but I know a lot about crap and that line along with his others fall into that category. Someone needs to cry conspiracy on the Family members winning all of the Rap Battles. Something smells fishy. Which still smells better than Breaker’s rhyme.

Just when I thought the pain was over, the Beatnik came to the microphone. Here’s an interesting fact, days before Afro_Chic left the H.A., she stated that she was entering into the battle as a Beatnik representative. Writer’s instinct dictates that she’s been thinking about this for a while. Regardless of her nonsensical internal struggle her rhyme was just as bad as the others. “You're the student and I'm the teacher/You're lyrically dead and I'm the Grim Reaper.” It’s because she’s haunting and irksome. She sucked the life out of the Rap Battles just like death sucks the life out of a body. And she says that Beatniks do it better. I realized that they do, for her rhyme was repugnant!

Oh look here. Another Family member has advanced to the second round. It’s not like the Family is the smartest group on the site. The rest of you are too slow to realize that they are making fools out of you. Never mind. You’ll never understand. Kali states, “The Villains run the show like track stars run a race/Taking first in everything and we're all up in your face.” That line was magical. Did you get goose bumps? Did you feel something rise? I know I did. It was my dinner. I could say it tasted better going down the second time, but if I lie about that, I might as well say Kali’s rhyme was excellent.

Finally, simbob. The Vigilantes as a whole sucked worse than a nursing baby. Leaving me with the same pain nursing mothers have to undergo but in my brain. The only thing that prevented me from going berserk and drawing blood from the fools around me with my pen was the fact that this was the last participant. “While us vigi's are here, numerous and strong/Using our minds determining our right and wrong.” If that were the case, you would know that your entire rhyme was wrong, Vigilante. You stepping up to the microphone was wrong. You tormenting me with your ill-fated writing was wrong. It was all wrong.

That’s it, I did something bad in my past life. That’s why I was forced to endure these rhymes. This hasn’t helped my contempt for Hip Hop. Not at all. May all the winners come down with a sickness of some sort. That way the second round could be cancelled. Wouldn’t that be marvelous?

I think so.

The Masked Editor
The Urbanville 12: Part 6: Results
>> Business
Appreciate, Motivate, Don't Aggravate

Over the years, the Urbanville Chronicles and Gallery have evolved. We've seen an enlarged staff as well as more participation, and this is a very groovalicious thing, for we appreciate the arts here in this funky cool town.

A side effect of this has been "The Guessing Game". Urbaniacs everywhere want to unmask the Masked Editor. Big Dogs have been asked if their alter-alter-ego is Scoop McFanny, Honnah Lee, or Handsome U. Whantme. And who is behind the mysterious moniker, "The Chronicles Staff"? By the way, the Masked Movie Critic feels a bit left out since no one is digging for their identity. S/he is also a little worried about job security since soon they won't have any more movies to criticize. C'mon filmmakers get your mojo on and fill up the theater!

The aggravation of the Big Dogs caused by the repetitive needling and questioning by the curious and nosey people of Urbanville is growing and if it goes on, there will be a blow up of epic proportions. People, stop hounding the Big Dogs! The Guessing Game is creating rumors and rude speculation and it must stop before homeys start getting trigger thumbed! The Masked Editor is the Masked Editor. Scoop is Scoop. Stop trying to assign their identities to someone else!

I know, I know, curiosity is strong in this town and I've been thrown out of the Chronicles office on numerous occasions for snooping, myself. But I've learned the error of my ways and reformed. Please join me in letting people be who they are.

On a different but related topic, I'd like to first start out by thanking everyone who contributes to the Chronicles and the Gallery as your creativity really makes Urbanville come alive. At this point in time, we do it for love, since it doesn't really garner a lot of recognition. I suspect more people would participate if there was some compensation, a competitive vibe added, something shiny like...trophies!

Ok, I know it won't happen tomorrow or the next day, but the Trophy Cabinet is posted on City Hall's "To Do" list. I'd just like to know how many people would be galvanized into expressive frenzy by the lure of trophies. Please drop by my lair and take a moment to make your proclivity known in my survey. ^_^
>> Comics
Crazy Tones, The Urbanville Band!

*Some funky music gets your attention. You listen for the source of sound and guess where it's coming from. You walk into your local Juice Bar*

*You peer onto the stage to see some strange looking people. Your guess is that it's a band*

WOAAAAAH! EVERYONE ROCK!
Who rocks the house? We rock the house! Alright!

*The lead singer is wearing a big medallion and stripy trousers. He is also wearing something that looks like a bow tie. He is shouting but it is strangely compelling*

*The guitarist looks like some sort of old army guy. He is rocking out, however. The drummer is wearing a strange top that draws you in. You feel very dizzy. You spot a man jumping around holding what looks like a bass guitar. The bass thumps in your chest. That combined with the flashing lights and diamond t-shirts causes you to faint.......*

*You wake up*

“Where am I?” you ask.
“In musical heaven!” shouted the lead singer.

*He drags you onto stage and continues his shouting like nothing has happened.*

Crazy Tones is the new Urbanville band I created for a little fun. I will soon be admitting a couple of pictures of them to the Gallery so keep a look out!
Masked Movie Critic

This is the Masked movie Critic saying, "Hola." Word on the grapevine is that you don't like my name, hey!

Well here is the deal, whoever can think of a new name, and family rated movies for me to review I will do that. Make sure the copyright (©) laws allow me to do that!

The reason I cannot review all movies is because of © laws. I have to ask specific permission, to use their movies on this site. So if you’re all going to criticize me for doing older movies, be my guest! Because trust me I am masked for a reason!

O.k. back to business, whoever thinks of a better name, and better movies, post them in the forums under Masked Movie Critic---or masked Hoax! Once you do that, you will win a fantastic prize!
Insane Ramblings
Hey y’all! With all the recent drama that has happened and the fact that I’m no longer a Hero, I’ve put the “Like Me” series on hold for a week. I’ll do my last one next week. But until then, I’ve decided to share with you all some insane ramblings that I did a few years back. You won’t find all of them funny, I guarantee that, but I’m the type of comedian who loves to make herself laugh. If folks join in, that’s cool, if not, I don’t let it bother you.

So, enjoy!

Picture this: You're walking down a dark street and a car with tinted windows drives up on you. A person, in disguise gets out and smacks you with a pillow...jumps back into the car and drives off. What do you do?

Since women are shaving off their eyebrows and drawing them back in...Is the next phase to shave off their hair and draw it back in?

Can the Flo-Be work on an afro? And if not, why hasn't an Afro Flo-Be been invented?!

Can a 19 year old wear Depends?

People get upset when they hear about another culture that eats cats and dogs, but how does a person, with a pet chicken, feel when they see you sucking on a chicken bone?

A friend once told me that she loves to eat hogs head cheese and pigs feet, but when asked if she would eat escargot...She exclaimed, "No!" But wait...Pigs use the bathroom in their pens and then walk around, sleep, and chill in it ALL day! So um, how is that better than escargot?

Can you really "tell someone off?" And what goes off once you're finished?

Can a mute person make a booty call?

Everyone makes a big deal about Michael Jackson and his skin color. If he did change his skin color then why are you shaking your head while going to the tanning salon for the third time this week?

Why did LL want a girl with extensions in her hair, bamboo earrings at least two pair? Does he know something we don't?

If you went to a wedding and the first dance the bride and groom does is the electric slice what would you think?

If a tree fell in the woods and no one was there....WHY WOULD I CARE?!

What's the worst? Someone sneezing in the salad bar and you don't know or someone sneezing on the sneeze guard and you seeing that? And why aren’t there sneeze guards for people under 5 feet tall?

What is the purpose of talking to yourself if you don't answer?

Is it still indecent exposure if I walk naked in a neighborhood filled with blind people?

Mimes...why?

I want to kidnap Carrot Top and beat him with a pillow case filled with door knobs...anyone want to come? I'm forming a posse.

I like saying Platypus...how about you?

*giggles*

See ya next week! And remember...

Beatniks do it BETTER!

Affy