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Issue 100

Aug 19, 2007

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>> Editorials
100th Issue!


Feh...Happy 100th
The 100th issue, feh, congratulations Chronicles. I never thought I would be able to stomach the saps that I employ for this long. I never thought I could deal with the morons who cry every time I am harsh in my articles. But I have.

I was recently asked if I have gone soft. Soft, never. In the words of the imbecile, Scoop_McFanny, “When you spit fire, expect them to cry when they get burned, aight?” It may sound sadistic but I love burning idiots. Especially if those idiots try to challenge me intellectually, but in Urbanville you can’t do that.

You have to pat them on the head and say softly, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” When what you really want to say is, “My words will have you crying for sticks and stones now get out of my face, twerp, before I hurt your feelings.” So for those who miss the old Masked Editor, here’s a reminder:

Most of you cretins love brutal honesty yet when it’s attacked you turn a blind eye and a deaf ear! Not that anyone who is brutally honest needs the help of you voiceless twerps but a little support goes a long way. Do I need to dumb this down for you or did you finally finish your Reading Comprehension classes? Slowly those who fall into the category of brutal honesty are leaving this site, thanks to the passive aggressive infantile members who run to the Mayor about everything. If this site were filled with these people, each and every one of you will grow tired and eventually leave. It’s great for you as long as you receive entertainment. You people make me sick!

For those who will cry at my last paragraph and take it personally, feh, I don’t care enough to spend one moment thinking about you. Unlike you, I respect honesty even if it does hurt because I’ve developed a thing called a thick skin while being out in the real world. Guess what? Urbanville isn’t the real world. People who make you feel threatened on here are basically figments of your online imagination. In other words, you half-wits, they shouldn’t hold any stake in your real life. If you can’t understand that, then turn off your computers. You’re doing yourself as well as other a great service. Take one for the team.

Or even better, since I know that Ira doesn’t want to lose anyone, how about you, yes YOU, realize that you are taking this game a bit too seriously. Kindergarten antics bore me. If you need a chaperone go ask your parents to sit behind you while you type. (Of course I’m talking to the adults.) I’m not asking you to hold hands and sing “We Are the World,” but if you don’t like someone, ignore them. See how uncomplicated that is?

The Chronicles is celebrating its 100th issue. Let’s see how many of you immature changelings are here for the 200th edition.

If this article made you cry tell someone who cares.

The Masked Editor
>> Top Stories
100 Chronicles... just getting started
100 issues Urb-tastic!!!

This seems like a proper place to fill all you current Urbaniacs in on where we've been and where we're going in the future. As you may or may not know, Urbaniacs was started by Synjen and myself out of pure passion. We both work nights and weekends to keep this place running, and everything here was built and paid for by one of us. We wanted to make a place where people could play and be creative in this funky, urban, comic world. It was either that or learn how to play golf. That's how Urbaniacs was born. We started out with a log-in and the ability to create your Urbaniac. From there, you could play Tic Tac Yo! We got 23 users on the very first day. Little by little we put the "funk" into functionality. We added Urbograms, games, forums, battles, games, gear, new characters, cribs, vehicles, games, galleries, new hideouts, new maps… and we're still going.

I've spent the last few months meeting with a private company to make a small investment in Urbaniacs. They will be working with me to give Urbaniacs some much needed resources and business guidance. It'll also give me some real time to work on Urbaniacs and still be able to pay rent on Da Mayoral Office! We're going to focus on a few funky things.

Walk around and chat in a funky Urbo environment.

New games!
New characters!
New content!

Swap Meet - this is where all registered Urbaniacs can trade, buy, and sell gear. We're planning out a little Urbo economy that involves Urbos and cold hard cash. This will be a great way for Urbaniacs to help support the site if they choose to.

Last but not least will be Crews. Crews are going to be really groovy. They'll have their own high scores, and lots of special perks. They'll be Urb created and Urb controlled.

Lastly, I'd like to send a special shout out and genuine thanks to each and every mod...you know who you are, and your efforts are always appreciated.

I also want to give a big ol' high five and some love to all you Big Dog Urbs and senior users...you know who you are. You're the backbone of Urbaniacs. These are the Urbaniacs who help out with the Chronicles, they are art gallery contributors, contest judges, and more. You all are awesome and your efforts are what makes this place fresh (in all senses of the word).

That's the scoop. We have a plan and we're about to get a lot more funky. You all have my sincerest gratitude and mad props around the room.

Urb ON!

DaMan


The Urbanville 12: Round 2!


Aight peeps, let me break a lil' sumthin' sumthin' down to you before I get the second round crackin'!


All of your clues will be located in the same issue that I introduce the next serial killer, aight? In other words, after today, check this same issue on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday for ya clues and to find out who won.

Once ya win, you gots to back down for the next 3 rounds!

If you're caught cheatin' and believe me, I have the ability to check, you are out!


With that said...Let's get this party started quickly!

This next serial killer is a shocker even to your boy Scoop! No one would even think they could harm a bunny! They are the Elmayra (check out Animaniacs) of Urbanville spreadin' hugs and spam throughout the town! Be careful though because they claims that, "I am special and if you really want to mess with me then I'll scream for help and someone big and scary will beat you up!"

Can you help Ira catch this criminal, yo?


Each of the Urbanville 12 will have 4 victims. Help us catch them before they get to number 4. If ya win, they get caught. If ya don’t win, they go free, unpunished.

Remember to win the tp you have to be the first person to drop the name of the Urbanville 12 AND their theme killings. First place winners and the 3 runners up will be posted in da Chronicles. That means don’t be literin’ my inbox with, “Yo Scoop, did I win” cause I will straight up ignore ya!Each of the Urbanville 12 will have 4 victims. Help us catch them before they get to number 4. If ya win, they get caught. If ya don’t win, they go free, unpunished.

Remember to win the tp you have to be the first person to drop the name of the Urbanville 12 AND their theme killings. First place winners and the 3 runners up will be posted in da Chronicles. That means don’t be literin’ my inbox with, “Yo Scoop, did I win” cause I will straight up ignore ya! If you’re caught cheatin’ you’re OUT!
Writer Like Me


On the 100th issue of the Chronicles, I’ve decided to infiltrate the Chronicles building! I had to get a little help from Preston because I couldn’t walk in as myself! No, I had to choose the perfect disguise: A pimple faced intern with pale skin, blue eyes, and red spiky hair! That’s right, I was a guy again. Not because I like dressing up like a dude. Oh sheesh that would be some Jerry Springer type of nonsense but I figured it’s easier to get folks off of my trail if I changed up my entire appearance and how I carry myself. I laughed as I looked at myself in the mirror while Preston rolled his eyes and said something about how the Family needs to get back to their crime spree because I have too much time on my hands. He’s right, you know.

Anyways, I approached the Chronicles' building like a little kid approaching his first haunted house. I scampered into the meeting room and sat in the corner with my notebook covering my face. I peered over it and studied the room. I saw Scoop sitting there with his feet up on the table. He was chewing on his pen cap and humming a little KRS-One to himself. What can I say? The brother is old school! Just as I took my eyes off of Scoop, I heard, “Oh, Handsome spots a new intern!”

“Hi hi hi,” I forced my voice to crack, “M’name is Philbert.” I couldn’t even look at him.

Handsome sniffed the air. The hairs on my neck stood straight up.

“Handsome knows you’re a dude, but there’s just sumthin’ about you that makes Handsome attracted to you. Which is odd cuz Handsome is all about the Ladies!”

“Uh, I don’t know why Handsome, I’m a dude,” I said in a prepubescent voice.

“You look like a dude and you sound like a dude, but you don’t smell like a dude! Handsome knows what a Lady smells like and you have hints of Amber Romance emanating off of your body,” Handsome wafted the air with his hand.

Mental note to self, kill Preston for letting me walk out of the house like this! I was in a pickle! So I did the one thing a female who was impersonating a teenage boy would do in this situation.

“Well,” my voice cracked again, “My mom hugged and kissed my cheek before she dropped me off.” Handsome looked at me before he slipped me his number...To give to my mom. Talk about disgusting, but I placed it in my pocket anyways!

“Eh yo, don’t mind Handsome,” Scoop whispered, “He’s a little groddy!”

“Uh huh,” I said with wide eyes and nodding my head.

“WHAT IS THIS IN MY BUILDING?!” I jumped out of my seat and looked around.

“Oh that be ol’ Masky,” Scoop explained, “He’s into the Wizard of Oz thang! It helps him stay anonymous!”

“REALLY WHAT ARE YOU,” The Masked Editor asked me.

“I’m officially deaf,” I said under my breath. Scoop and Handsome started laughing.

“I HEARD THAT! WHY ARE YOU HERE?!”

“I’m-I’m-I’m the new intern, sir, ma’am, it...uhhhh…uhhhh…uhhhh….”

“Wait, Handsome knows exactly who you are,” Handsome stood up and pointed at me, “Amber Romance? Handsome knows only of 1 woman who wears that scent and she has a son but it isn’t you!”

I sat there dumbfounded.

“HANDSOME SIT DOWN, WE HAVE TO DISCUSS THE 100TH ISSUE,” The Masked Editor commanded over the intercom.

“No, Handsome knows exactly who it is! That number I gave you, call me Af-“

That’s all he could get out before I went flying towards him. I landed with ease kicked him in his family jewels and whispered, “If you tell anyone who I am, I will turn you into a female the hard way!” I know I shouldn’t have threatened him but I had to protect myself. I grabbed my stuff and made a break for the door.

“Wow, these interns are becoming more violent,” Scoop screamed out towards me.

“GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD TRASH,” the Masked Editor said.

“Ouch,” Handsome said and grasped his crotch.

It looks like this week’s Chronicles is going to be awesome! I can’t wait to see it!!! I also can’t wait for my next mission, tee hee! This junk is fun!

Funky 24 hours a day and 7 days a week!

Afro_Chic
100 Issues... What has changed?

Here we are. It is the 100th issue of the Chronicles. Since Issue 1, The Chronicles have been captivating the citizen's with its witty humor. Each and every article represents part of Urbanville's heritage... So how did we arrive here? What changes have been made since the first time the Urbanville newspaper flew off the press?

Issue 1 of the Chronicles contained 3 incredibly short articles, by today's standards. All 3 of them were written by the still infamous Scoop_McFanny. These articles had a very specific style that is still echoed in an occasional article. The short comedic stories about the going-ons of the Urbanville citizens dominated the first couple of Issues, but slowly gave way to other Urbaniacs' articles.

The next big writer for the Chronicles was JenQ. She had 9 gossip-filled articles between issues 4 and 13!! Many Urbaniacs after that followed suit, and wrote more "gossip" articles that are still seen in the papers today. After this burst of activity, however, the Chronicles didn't see a whole bunch of JenQ, but rest assured she is still working hard in Urbanville!

Besides those 2 predominant writers, the first 25 issues of the Chronicles were splattered with various articles containing news of contests, organizations, and crime.

In issue 26 you are sure to find something interesting... apparently that day the henchlings decided to take over the press! 6 identical articles warn the citizens to "Raise up your hooves! The father is coming!" Urbaniacs were in a frenzy; it seemed as though Goatfist was on his way.
This act was repeated in issue 34... the henchlings demanded you to "Raise your fists." because "He has arrived." This signified the beginning of the of Cinco De Mayhem and the Assaults. Henchlings ran amuck everywhere, but were easily beat down by the Heroes. Now assaults are just a normal part of Urbanville.

Issue 37 marks the introduction of one of the most frequent Chronicle-writers. That's right, Afro_Chic's first article was about the first yearbook votes! From Issue 37 to Issue 99 Affy has written 43 articles!!! She has written everything from comedies, to editorials, to contest-descriptions. This makes her the most predominant figure in Chronicles history.

So, by Issue 50 many things had changed. The articles were longer, and more numerous. There was also a much larger number of Urbaniacs on the site, which means more people trying to submit their articles, which would lead to an overall increase of article quality! The Chronicles were shaping up, but let’s see where it goes from there.

Issue 57 showcased the very first "Quotes Stolen by Zoomer" article, written by Zoomer_McTraveller. These light-hearted articles put something enjoyable in the Chronicles, and could always give us something to laugh or think about.

The advice-columnist Handsome U. Whantme got his big debut in Issue 67. Since then, Handsome has been capturing the ladies hearts with every article he writes. Oh, and yes... this is also the issue with MY first article. *smiles*

Issue 72 probably holds one of the most significant events within its virtual pages. This is the introduction of the Masked_Editor. If anything has changed the Chronicles over the years, it has been him/her/it. Since this intro, written by Scoop_McFanny, the M_E has continued to raise the par on the Chronicles' standards, and has even included his/her/its own pessimistic articles. The mysterious editor is sure to be unmasked someday... and I plan on doing it!

Since that fateful day, the most significant intro to the Chronicles has been DarkAng3L's "The good, the bad and...Everything in between." An entertaining statistical analogy is made, and it is the same as a style once used in one of the Mayor's own articles. You can see his article in Issue 7.

So, now we are here where we are today. I myself hope to make a huge impact on the Chronicles from here on out and already have a couple of articles under my name. Wish me luck in making Urbanville history!

If there is anyone I left out of this account, I apologize deeply.

Thanks go out to all who have ever written an article in these papers... and for those whoever will!
The Urbanville 12: Part 2: Clue #1

Sup Witcha? It’s Monday! Time for the new clizzue brought to you by your boy, Scoop!

But befizzle I gets into that, lemme point this out, aight?

1. You must give the name of the serial killer AND his theme to win.

2. If you discover you're the serial killer, don't write me and ask me for you theme.

First Victim: StormiesLilGirl

Note:

"Am I a little angel or a devil? I wish I could take them all out. *pouts* I am the only one! I am the best! I am Britney Spears and she’s some no name person thingy! And when I say Britney I mean 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' Britney not this one!"

I gots a +50 up for grabs. Who wants it? Wha? Can't hear ya! Let's get this party started!

Scoop
The Urbanville 12: Part 2: Clue #2

Sup Witcha? What it's Tuesday?! Time for another clue!

But befizzle I gets into that, lemme point this out, aight?

1. You must give the name of the serial killer AND his theme to win.

2. If you discover you're the serial killer, don't write me and ask me for you theme.

Second Victim: Kingsland

Note:

"She thought she was all big and bad, until she met the likes of me! I am the only princess in Urbanville! Do you like my teddy bear? Isn't it so cayute?! I may act like a child but I'm not! I am Justin Timberlake and Kingsland is Chris Kirpatrick, so I had to take her down to show her who's the best!"

I gots a pretty lil +50 tp in my hand. It's so pretty!

Scoop
The Urbanville 12: Part 2: Clue #3

Sup Witcha? Third clue! Will you catch this serial killer before the 4th victim is claimed?

But befizzle I gets into that, lemme point this out, aight?

1. You must give the name of the serial killer AND his theme to win.

2. If you discover you're the serial killer, don't write me and ask me for you theme.

Third Victim: MarzBarz

Note:

"You all think you can stop me! *pouts* But I am unstoppable! And even if you did catch me, my mommy and my auntie will claw you to pieces, they are the strongest kitties on this site! This is the third of my victims. If only I could get rid of them all! Then I will show Urbanville who is the Princess! Isn't that right teddy weddy beddy bear!"

If I throw this +50 tp in the air and wave it like I just don't care, who will catch it?

Scoop
The Urbanville 12: Results: Part 2

STOP THE PRESSES YO!



Who woulda thought that a girl with a sweet face could be a serial killer? What's in that teddy bear, switch blades? Congrats to Breaker, her brother of all people, he was the first place winner, yo! Here I thought he was the Villain, what kinda messed up family is this? No worries B, Ira is gonna mail you your +50 tp, aight?

It's still Scoop and I'm still your boy! Keep your eyes opened for next Sunday!

Scoop

>> Comics
The good, the bad and...Everything in between


Good news: 2 out of 10 Urbaniacs rock one or more body parts from Lunar Moonbeam Princess, hoping that this will be their ticket to running into space.


Bad news: Upset this lady and you'll be able to see little stars dancing not up in the sky but around your head.
>> Business
The 100th Issue and Us


Scoop: Aight yo, it's the 100th Issue and ol' Masky wanted us to say some words. Man, I remember this piece when it first started! I was here from the get go! I was the only staffer back in those days. Shoot read the first issue, I did it all! Now, I got a boss who I can't stand but I also have my boy here who all help me write. Yo, mad props to those who write with us who help us keep this piece bumpin'! Thanks to all the readers! You keep me writin'! You keep Masky on his feet! And you keep Handsome here spreadin' his Player knowledge!

Here's to the first 100 issues! Now lets make sure we're here for the next 100, aight?!

Yo Handsome what you gots to say?

Handsome: First and foremost Handsome needs to give a sexy shout out to all of his Ladies. Hey Ladies don't worry, Daddy is coming home! Now, Handsome was here from the beginning also but no one was really talking to Handsome! Handsome has had this column for the longest time which is why Handsome is the only Chronicles staff member to have a section named after him. Thanks to all those Players to write me asking questions about my skills. Handsome respects you all as long as you keep your grubby little fingers off of his Ladies! Handsome tips his champagne glass to the Chronicles and its readers because you all keep Handsome knee deep in urbos and Ladies.

Handsome would be nothing about this place and Handsome knows that.

Scoop: It's time to biz-ounce! We gots to get our party on! Maybe we'll get ol' Masky inebriated so he'll remove the mask! Don't sweat it, I gots my camera phone!

Peace!

Handsome: Play on Player, Play on!

Scoop and Handsome